It’ll just take a minute…

I was just…
I just wanted to say…
Can we just…

Hey all!

This week, I have a super simple challenge for you! Let me know how it goes!

Back in 2018, I read an article that talked about the top 9 words we say that make us look weak. I started noticing how often I used these words. Just was probably my most frequently used word followed by a close second…sorry. 

Ugh. Thinking back to that, it makes me want to throw up. But I guess that’s growth right? Striving to be a better version of yourself all the time? I definitely have grown in the last 2 years and I’m sure you have too! 

Just, as you’ll read in the article makes it sound like you’re wasting everyone’s time, like what you need or what you’re doing isn’t important enough or worthy enough to take time. 

Have you ever heard someone who apologizes all the time? Someone bumps into them, “Oops, sorry”. Sorry for what? Existing? Sorry for being late, Sorry my kid is sick, Sorry I was in the shower when you called…all the time with the sorry. It’s more than kind of annoying and makes them look weak, right? That’s why it’s number two on this list but in listening to myself say “just” all the time, I realized that I was that person but a double whammy with sorry too! Whew! 

So what happened when I became cognizant of it? 

I stopped using it so much. My messages became stronger, my writing flowed more. Most of all, I became so much more confident! I started believing in myself because dad-gum-it! I’m NOT a waste of time and neither are my needs, wants and words. 

Today, as you’re in conversation with others, be mindful of the words you’re using and how you feel when you use them. Did you say just? Do you feel weaker now having said it? If you say that sentence again, do you feel more powerful? Does the sentence have more meaning? 

Try this little social experiment and remember to let me know how it goes! 

XOXO,

Kameran

Are You Headed Down a Shame Spiral?

WHAT IS THE MOST POWERFUL MASTER EMOTION? WHAT TRIGGERS THE FEAR THAT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH?

Have you ever forgotten something you needed in the hustle of the morning that was imperative to the success of that day? A document, a prop for a presentation, your kid’s something or another they had to have, your breakfast? Then you get to your destination, realize you failed and for the rest of the day you can’t get the thought of “How could I have forgotten that? I’m such an idiot!” out of your head? 

Welcome to the shame spiral, where one action triggers an endless repeat of thoughts, experiences and memories of other times you screwed up in life causing you to be absolutely certain you are the worst person in this world. 

For some, this spiral can last a few minutes to a few hours. For some, it can last days or even weeks! 

So how do you stop? 

First you have to understand two things:

1) You are a completely imperfect human being and when you present yourself authentically, imperfectly and confidently as such, you will gain a higher level of self-acceptance. 

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs has a sense of belonging as the third rung of needs. However, that need can never be met if we aren’t showing up in this life as our true self. When you show up just as you are, your self acceptance (the fourth rung) actually overpowers your need to belong and makes you a happier, healthier person. 

2) Shame stems from the life drift of approval. This life drift has a core motto “I’ll never BE enough.” The shame spiral starts because you’ve convinced yourself that you have to be perfect not for yourself but because others will judge you, others will be let down due to your lack of responsibility, intelligence, loyalty, etc. You’re disappointed in yourself because of the repercussions it has on others. You’re a compassionate individual so while this feeling is understandable, it’s not realistic. Realistically, no one in this universe is perfect so every once in a while we are all bound to make mistakes. Lord knows I make them on a daily basis and I’m betting you do too! It’s OK! What’s not ok is to sit in that for too long, let it spiral to the worst case scenario and convince yourself that you’re the worst, ultimately causing you to make more mistakes and wreck your subconscious mindset. 

Understand that you were enough before you messed up and you’re still enough after. What you do with that mistake says more about you and your character than whether or not  you come across as perfect. 

The healthiest way to handle a mistake is to learn from it and apply the lesson. Application says “hey, I’m trying here. I’m human and I’m trying to be the best version of myself.”

Apologize, not for making the mistake but for the situation it put others in. By doing so, this helps you eliminate the need to be something for others on a subconscious level. By acknowledging that you wasted someone’s time, that you created an inconvenience for others, etc. you’re also eliminating that one thing that anyone could judge you for (the trigger for the life drift which then triggered the emotion, remember?). 

It’s like in the movie 8 Mile where Eminem comes to the rap battle at the end with Falcon and starts off by putting his greatest weaknesses out there, leaving nothing for Anthony Mackie to come back with and ultimately creating a win for B-Rabbit (Eminem). 

You are B-Rabbit here. You screwed up, you acknowledged it and now no one can judge you or use it against you because it won’t affect you. You’re human again, you’re enough and the shame spiral stops dead in it’s tracks because you’re now showing up in a state of vulnerability to say “Hey, I’m not perfect, just like you. We’re on equal playing field here. So let me have this pass and when you screw up, I’ll show you the same courtesy. Thanks.” 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You’re a powerhouse of information and experiences that are unique to only you. You ARE an incredible person. Live in that truth and stop telling yourself lies on repeat. It’s not doing you or anyone else any good. Own your imperfections, they are precisely what make you great.

XOXO, 

Kameran

“I am responsible for everyone else’s happiness.”

About a year and a half ago, I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop with a group of ladies who were gracious enough to start a personal development book club with me. We were talking about the lies that we tell ourselves on a daily basis and one of them said “I’m held back because the lie that I am responsible for everyone else’s happiness plays in my head on a continuous loop.” You could’ve heard a pin drop as the four of us sat there and stared at her like she just uncovered the most sacred tomb in all of ancient Egypt. I think what most of us realized in that moment is that we related to that statement more than anything that any of us had ever said up to that point. I’ve thought about that woman, that lie and the solution to it every day for a year and a half. Then, I heard it again Sunday night.

This time from a client of mine. We were finalizing her two words, an exercise we do to figure out your purpose in an effort to name it. Once you’ve named and owned your two words, you know. You know exactly what you do no matter what you do. So we’re talking about possibilities for those two words and in a series of questions, I asked “What’s holding you back in life? What’s weighing you down the most right now?” Like a gong in my ears she said “I feel like whether everyone around me is happy or not is my responsibility.” 

Clearly, this is a thing that we struggle with as women and maybe as people. In all transparency, I haven’t done the market research to figure out if this is a cultural thing, because we are women, mothers, I don’t know but it’s obviously a thing that needs addressing so here we go. 

Listen Linda. You are ONLY responsible for Your. Own. Happiness. You cannot be responsible for anyone else’s happiness because happiness is a habit. A decision. Happiness comes down to two concepts. Fixed versus growth mindset and intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation.

If a person has a fixed mindset, that is to say that they believe they were born with a certain set of skills and talents, that things will always be as they are and will never be better or different, they’ve already decided their fate. They will never be happy because they don’t believe that even with outside influences or the internal need to grow that they will ever be better, happier, smarter or healthier than they are right now. You are not responsible for the way this person thinks, speaks, acts or doesn’t as you for the way the wind blows or whether the sun shines or not. 

If a person has a growth mindset, that is to say that they believe that they have the ability to shed the beliefs, thoughts and goals that no longer serve them, to learn, grow and better themselves as much or as little as they want, their happiness simply comes down to intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. 

Let’s assume that you and the top 5 people around you are all growth mindset oriented, because you do, in fact, become like the top 5 people you spend most of your time with. So let’s say that you all have a growth mindset. Are you going to be happier if they tell you to be? No. Are you going to be happier if they seem to be happier than you are right now? No. Are you going to be happier if you all go shopping and you spend the exact same amount they do? No and neither will your bank account. Extrinsic motivating factors aren’t going to help you be more happy. That has to come from within and you have to make that a habit just like drinking enough water, eating well, getting your workout in every day, etc. Gratitude. Daily. 

Happiness is a choice by each and every individual. If you aren’t happy with your circumstances, the way you look, the way your life is, then it’s up to you to do something about it. Hire a coach, get a trainer, start asking yourself how you can make more money instead of focusing on the fact that you’re broke. Only you can do that for yourself and guess what? Others are the only one’s that can do that for themselves as well. Ever heard the phrase, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink? Same applies here. You can offer up the best advice, the most resources, enable the ever loving shiz out of them but if they choose to be unhappy, that’s what they’ll continue to be. 

You are responsible for you and only you. Trying to put the pressure and expectations of other’s onto yourself is like trying to obtain the power of God for yourself. It’s simply not going to happen and it’s going to kill you in the process. Just stop. Practice your own gratitude. Do the things that make you happy. What you focus on grows. Focus on your habits. Hope that they see you and can use your happiness as an intrinsic motivator for themselves but remember that even if they don’t, not your responsibility. 

XOXO, 

Kameran