About a year and a half ago, I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop with a group of ladies who were gracious enough to start a personal development book club with me. We were talking about the lies that we tell ourselves on a daily basis and one of them said “I’m held back because the lie that I am responsible for everyone else’s happiness plays in my head on a continuous loop.” You could’ve heard a pin drop as the four of us sat there and stared at her like she just uncovered the most sacred tomb in all of ancient Egypt. I think what most of us realized in that moment is that we related to that statement more than anything that any of us had ever said up to that point. I’ve thought about that woman, that lie and the solution to it every day for a year and a half. Then, I heard it again Sunday night.

This time from a client of mine. We were finalizing her two words, an exercise we do to figure out your purpose in an effort to name it. Once you’ve named and owned your two words, you know. You know exactly what you do no matter what you do. So we’re talking about possibilities for those two words and in a series of questions, I asked “What’s holding you back in life? What’s weighing you down the most right now?” Like a gong in my ears she said “I feel like whether everyone around me is happy or not is my responsibility.” 

Clearly, this is a thing that we struggle with as women and maybe as people. In all transparency, I haven’t done the market research to figure out if this is a cultural thing, because we are women, mothers, I don’t know but it’s obviously a thing that needs addressing so here we go. 

Listen Linda. You are ONLY responsible for Your. Own. Happiness. You cannot be responsible for anyone else’s happiness because happiness is a habit. A decision. Happiness comes down to two concepts. Fixed versus growth mindset and intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation.

If a person has a fixed mindset, that is to say that they believe they were born with a certain set of skills and talents, that things will always be as they are and will never be better or different, they’ve already decided their fate. They will never be happy because they don’t believe that even with outside influences or the internal need to grow that they will ever be better, happier, smarter or healthier than they are right now. You are not responsible for the way this person thinks, speaks, acts or doesn’t as you for the way the wind blows or whether the sun shines or not. 

If a person has a growth mindset, that is to say that they believe that they have the ability to shed the beliefs, thoughts and goals that no longer serve them, to learn, grow and better themselves as much or as little as they want, their happiness simply comes down to intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. 

Let’s assume that you and the top 5 people around you are all growth mindset oriented, because you do, in fact, become like the top 5 people you spend most of your time with. So let’s say that you all have a growth mindset. Are you going to be happier if they tell you to be? No. Are you going to be happier if they seem to be happier than you are right now? No. Are you going to be happier if you all go shopping and you spend the exact same amount they do? No and neither will your bank account. Extrinsic motivating factors aren’t going to help you be more happy. That has to come from within and you have to make that a habit just like drinking enough water, eating well, getting your workout in every day, etc. Gratitude. Daily. 

Happiness is a choice by each and every individual. If you aren’t happy with your circumstances, the way you look, the way your life is, then it’s up to you to do something about it. Hire a coach, get a trainer, start asking yourself how you can make more money instead of focusing on the fact that you’re broke. Only you can do that for yourself and guess what? Others are the only one’s that can do that for themselves as well. Ever heard the phrase, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink? Same applies here. You can offer up the best advice, the most resources, enable the ever loving shiz out of them but if they choose to be unhappy, that’s what they’ll continue to be. 

You are responsible for you and only you. Trying to put the pressure and expectations of other’s onto yourself is like trying to obtain the power of God for yourself. It’s simply not going to happen and it’s going to kill you in the process. Just stop. Practice your own gratitude. Do the things that make you happy. What you focus on grows. Focus on your habits. Hope that they see you and can use your happiness as an intrinsic motivator for themselves but remember that even if they don’t, not your responsibility. 

XOXO, 

Kameran

Inevitably, you and your partner are going to have ebbs and flows to your relationship, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, right? But when you’re in the middle of the valley it’s really easy to blame, shame, and question. Questions like “what’s wrong with him/her?”, “Why don’t they understand me?”, “Why are they such a jerk?!” You aren’t feeling heard, understood, respected, loved, cherished…the list goes on forever. But there’s a quite easy explanation. This comes from the book The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I read this book about 6 months ago when my husband and I were in the middle of this valley and I can honestly say that this book was a fantastic resource in helping me up-level my own marriage in 2019! 

At our core, men and women are different and that’s the hardest part of being in a relationship. Your spouse is not you. They are motivated by different things, speak differently, love differently and communicate differently. Not wrong, just different. A man’s most basic need is to be respected and a woman’s is to be loved, cherished and feel secure with her man. Simply put “his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love.” I know you’re thinking “Well he doesn’t love me so I don’t respect him!” or “She doesn’t respect me so I can’t show her love.” Well let’s look at the oldest book in history for some self-help. Ephesians 5:33- “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Notice that this verse doesn’t say “respect your husband as long as he isn’t a jackwagon or love your wife as long as she isn’t hormonal, stressed out or as long as she respects you to the nth degree.” It says to love your wife, no matter what and respect your husband because you chose him and he is your partner. 

So how do we do it? First you must understand that there’s nothing “wrong” with your significant other. When your’e in the valley of your relationship and things are rocky and nothing you seem to do is right, know that your partner’s basic needs aren’t being met. Thus, we enter- THE CRAZY CYCLE. On of you isn’t feeling respected, the other isn’t feeling loved so the reaction to your own pain is to neglect the other’s needs and around and around we go. How do we stop? Someone has to extend the olive branch, let go of your ego and Get. Off. The. Carousel! Does it suck to swallow your pride and be the first to start giving the other what they need? Maybe. But do you want to be right or do you want the relationship you’ve always dreamed about? Think bigger picture here, friend.

Figure out how your man feels respected and men, figure out how your queen feels loved, respected and secure (financially, physically and emotionally). I guarantee the way you think they feel respected/loved is just that- your assumption. This is where communication and hard conversations have to happen.

When you’re both in the head-space to be open and willing to listen to the other explain how they feel respected/loved and how you aren’t filling that need, have the conversation and get specific. Know that this conversation is not an attack on who you are as a person but a constructive way to help you become a better lover, friend and spouse. Will it be hard to hear? Probably, but stick with it. You’ve had feelings that were hard before and you survived and became better because of it. Push through and stay engaged. It’s worth it in the end. I promise! 

By knowing this information and more importantly, applying it, you engage THE ENERGIZING CYCLE. This space is where you’re propelled to accomplish your goals with much more ease and flow, your home life feels right, you feel like an Olympic partnership that is gelled, propelled and on your way to achieving all the victories! All because you’re speaking life into your person. This is where dreams are accomplished and happiness thrives, all because you made a choice to better yourself and the way you communicate with your partner. It’s easier to respect a man who loves you well and it’s easier to love a woman who is respectful and more energetically matched. 

No, if the crazy cycle starts happening again, you’re prepared. Simply have the wherewithal to step back and self-reflect. “Am I meeting my partner’s needs?”, “How could I have started this cycle?”, “What can I do differently to stop it?” You can’t control your partner’s behavior but you can control your response. Be the first to switch platforms from crazy to energizing and pull your partner with you.