4 Ways to Fix Your Marriage By Yourself

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

We were about a year and a half into our marriage. He’s playing video games and I’m winning an academy award for best actress in a drama series entitled “I Never Get Any Help Around Here”. At one point he told me to shut the f*#k up and like a fighting bull, I just saw red. I had a Sprite can in my left hand. It’s important to note here that I am not an athlete and I am not left handed. I’d maybe taken 2 sips out of that can when he said those magic words and I threw it. Non-dominant hand, non-athlete, perfect precision. It hit him in the side of the head, sticky sprite went everywhere and in a half a milli-second, I realized what I’d done.

Fast forward to when Moe and I married 9 years after the Sprite can incident, I was proud of myself for having done a lot of inner work in my singlehood. However, I still had a lot more to do. We still had a lot of work to do as a couple as well. But in traditional Arab culture, men going to therapy, getting mental health in general or talking about feelings? You have a better chance of being struck by lightning. However, I could see that even though things weren’t as bad as my first marriage, they weren’t fantastic either.

Keep in mind this is wayyyyyyy before I became a coach but I point it out because I always keep it real and raw with you all and because these are things you can do to fix your own marriage without being/having a coach or having the participation of your spouse.

1. Commitment
You have to be all in. I’m talking betting a million on black and not waivering for a second. You may be doing the hard work and wading through piles of elephant dung for months before you see results so if you’re thinking you’re going to see results in a couple weeks and everything is going to be hunky dory, sorry friend. I’m about to burst your bubble. How long it takes varies with every couple. Commit to why you’re starting this journey. Write it down in multiple places and look at it multiple times a day. It’s the only thing that’s going to keep you going when things get hard, and they will! 

I will also note that this can’t be a “well they’re not working on the marriage so I shouldn’t have to either.” That’s not going to work. It’s selfish and immature. You’re right, it’s not fair. But I’m pretty sure that nowhere in the Bible or any marriage book ever written does it say marriage is always fair. It’s not. Marriage is a commitment, not a convenience.

2. Control
You can’t control your spouse. You can’t make them love you more, help you more, listen more or communicate better. You can’t control how or if they respond in an argument or conversation. You can only control you. Is it hard to control your anger when your spouse is yelling and you want to lash out too? A billion times YES! But it can and must be done. In order for things to change, things have to change. Control YOU. Control your tone, body language, communication, responses, texts, all of it. Control what goes into your brain. If you’re hanging out with people who subscribe to the spouse bashing culture, watching shows about cheating and disrespect, etc. That’s what you’re going to exhibit. Read books on marriage. Change your social media followings to be more marriage focused and less negative. 

3. College Study Habits
You have to become a student of your spouse and of yourself. Study like your entire degree depends on the test coming up. What are your and your spouse’s love languages, apology languages? How did they grow up? What’s the dynamic they learned? What are some of the mindsets they learned and why do they think, act, talk, walk and work the way they do? Are they sensitive? Are they cold hearted? What are their triggers? How can you answer all of these questions about yourself? When you know this, apply it! This is the step that everyone seems to miss. They have the answers but application seems to get lost in translation.

4. Forgiveness
I leave this one last because in all honesty, it’s probably the hardest and the most important. For your marriage to move forward, you have to forgive yourself and your spouse. That doesn’t mean you forget the trauma, the fighting, the triggers but you do forgive them for they know not what they do. Sincerely, marriage doesn’t come with a user’s manual. Everything we know comes from what we’ve learned in past relationships and relationships we’ve seen by those we grew up around. Hurt people hurt people. If you know in your heart of hearts that your spouse loves you deeply, they probably don’t want to hurt you intentionally. But, they’re hurt and wanting to defend that hurt. Forgive them and yourself for the same reasons. That means you cannot bring up past hurts. You must let it go. If you need to talk it through first, do so but after that and forgiveness has been offered, that’s it. It’s in a vault and cannot be brought up again. If you are triggered in the future, address the pattern and the current behavior. Do not say things like “You always do this.” True forgiveness is going to be the key to having peace and less resentment.

If you resonated with this and want more, consider joining Better Me, Better Us. We cover all of this as well as codependency, steps to getting rid of insecurities, becoming your highest self, and you have full voxer access to me every week day. Think of it as constant coaching for 6 weeks and 6 live coaching sessions. 6 month payment plans are available if needed as well. The group is open now for 10 phenomenal people. Doors close Sept 3. We start Sept 6. 

Cheers to your marriage!

Changing Perspective

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

Over the past few weeks I can’t help but think about all the things that are changing. The leaves in other parts of the country, not here of course because Texas doesn’t have seasons. We have a baby coming in a few short weeks, several deaths have happened in my family these past couple weeks, all change. Some positive, others a little harder. But it got me thinking.

Many people in life and even myself a few years ago struggle so much with change. It triggers anxiety and fear. Clients I’ve worked with have even admitted to not moving ahead with their goals and dreams because it will invoke some sort of change. Honestly, I get it. I’m definitely no stranger to change- divorce, moving, deaths, career changes, etc.

But have you ever thought about the deeper meaning behind the change and why it brings about the fear and struggle? 

In a word- expectations. When things change, it’s not the loss of the situation itself that we have a hard time with. It’s the loss of the expectations we had around that situation, the loss of hope we had for that situation. 

For example, when a divorce happens, it’s not that we mourn the loss of the spouse or we wouldn’t be divorcing them. It’s the loss of the idea that “it wasn’t supposed to be this way”. It’s the loss of the expectation that we were supposed to have a partner, that our partner was supposed to be/do/act a certain way, that our kids were supposed to grow up differently, that the way things looked were supposed to look differently. 

When we change careers, we struggle with the expectations that surrounded the past career. If we were let go, we may grieve the expectation that we didn’t get to leave on our own terms, that that specific career was supposed to be our plan A and we have no plan B. 

Death is no different. We know that death is inevitable for us all. When someone dies we mourn the expectations we had around that person- that they’d be around to see our children grow up, be there to talk to when we needed them, be there to fulfill a role that we expected of them. 

So how do we accept change and lessen the struggle? 

First, we accept that we are not in control. There are many factors in life that we cannot control- the stability of a company, when God will call our loved ones home, the transfer of a spouse, etc. 
Secondly, re-frame the expectations. Notice how many times I wrote “supposed to” above. Who says? Who says what things are supposed to look like? No one and I do mean no one lives the same life you life, pays the exact same bills each month, makes the same decisions you do, raises the same kids, is married to the same person, etc. YOU decide what is “supposed to” be. So how can you re-frame what the expectations are now that things have changed? Are expectations truly necessary in the first place? Can you communicate your expectations with others more clearly so that the disappointment, fear, anger, and negativity are less in the future? 

What does your mindset say about change? Do you need help altering your mindset to be more accepting? 

If so, reach out. I’d love to work with you to overcome your anxieties, fears and thought process around change.