Inevitably, you and your partner are going to have ebbs and flows to your relationship, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, right? But when you’re in the middle of the valley it’s really easy to blame, shame, and question. Questions like “what’s wrong with him/her?”, “Why don’t they understand me?”, “Why are they such a jerk?!” You aren’t feeling heard, understood, respected, loved, cherished…the list goes on forever. But there’s a quite easy explanation. This comes from the book The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I read this book about 6 months ago when my husband and I were in the middle of this valley and I can honestly say that this book was a fantastic resource in helping me up-level my own marriage in 2019! 

At our core, men and women are different and that’s the hardest part of being in a relationship. Your spouse is not you. They are motivated by different things, speak differently, love differently and communicate differently. Not wrong, just different. A man’s most basic need is to be respected and a woman’s is to be loved, cherished and feel secure with her man. Simply put “his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love.” I know you’re thinking “Well he doesn’t love me so I don’t respect him!” or “She doesn’t respect me so I can’t show her love.” Well let’s look at the oldest book in history for some self-help. Ephesians 5:33- “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Notice that this verse doesn’t say “respect your husband as long as he isn’t a jackwagon or love your wife as long as she isn’t hormonal, stressed out or as long as she respects you to the nth degree.” It says to love your wife, no matter what and respect your husband because you chose him and he is your partner. 

So how do we do it? First you must understand that there’s nothing “wrong” with your significant other. When your’e in the valley of your relationship and things are rocky and nothing you seem to do is right, know that your partner’s basic needs aren’t being met. Thus, we enter- THE CRAZY CYCLE. On of you isn’t feeling respected, the other isn’t feeling loved so the reaction to your own pain is to neglect the other’s needs and around and around we go. How do we stop? Someone has to extend the olive branch, let go of your ego and Get. Off. The. Carousel! Does it suck to swallow your pride and be the first to start giving the other what they need? Maybe. But do you want to be right or do you want the relationship you’ve always dreamed about? Think bigger picture here, friend.

Figure out how your man feels respected and men, figure out how your queen feels loved, respected and secure (financially, physically and emotionally). I guarantee the way you think they feel respected/loved is just that- your assumption. This is where communication and hard conversations have to happen.

When you’re both in the head-space to be open and willing to listen to the other explain how they feel respected/loved and how you aren’t filling that need, have the conversation and get specific. Know that this conversation is not an attack on who you are as a person but a constructive way to help you become a better lover, friend and spouse. Will it be hard to hear? Probably, but stick with it. You’ve had feelings that were hard before and you survived and became better because of it. Push through and stay engaged. It’s worth it in the end. I promise! 

By knowing this information and more importantly, applying it, you engage THE ENERGIZING CYCLE. This space is where you’re propelled to accomplish your goals with much more ease and flow, your home life feels right, you feel like an Olympic partnership that is gelled, propelled and on your way to achieving all the victories! All because you’re speaking life into your person. This is where dreams are accomplished and happiness thrives, all because you made a choice to better yourself and the way you communicate with your partner. It’s easier to respect a man who loves you well and it’s easier to love a woman who is respectful and more energetically matched. 

No, if the crazy cycle starts happening again, you’re prepared. Simply have the wherewithal to step back and self-reflect. “Am I meeting my partner’s needs?”, “How could I have started this cycle?”, “What can I do differently to stop it?” You can’t control your partner’s behavior but you can control your response. Be the first to switch platforms from crazy to energizing and pull your partner with you. 

When I was 15, I signed up to go to Europe with a group of 237 music ambassadors across the state of Kansas. We were all in high school and I’m not certain but I’m going to guess that I was the only one who obtained a loan for $3,300 for the trip without their parents knowing. What can I say?  A whole lot of audacity, a little over zealous action and connections from coming from a town of 1,500 people is quite the recipe for making big decisions. I didn’t know how the trip would go. I’d never been away from home longer than a week every summer for 4-H camp or further away than my grandparents house, a short 3 hour drive from my own. I’d never flown in an airplane, much less half way across a continent and an ocean. But I had faith and a burning in my soul that I needed to do this. I had no idea that 15 years later, I would repeat this over-zealous action inspired move by taking a trip to Egypt to meet my future in-laws but both would be the best decisions I ever made! 

This is the first of many stories I can count in my life where I took giant, bold, boisterous leaps of faith and left so many people around me thinking I was certifiably insane. But you know what? They didn’t pay my bills, raise my son, live my life, have the experiences I had or have an opinion that was going to change my life in any way, shape or form. Not one of those bold moves I regret. Not one of them left me in a worse state and every single one of those big moves taught me a ridiculous amount about myself, my capabilities and the fact that you don’t always have to have a how, just a why and no back up plan. 

You read that right. No back up plan. When you have a plan B, no matter how “committed” you say you are to the primary dream you haven’t decided with 100% certainty that you’re going to make it work. You aren’t making a faith based decision. Did you know that the word “decide” has Latin roots that mean “to cut off”? Literally, we’re talking about a word that means to have all other options off the table when you decide that your plan is going to work.

From a religious standpoint, it’s also a testament of your faith in God. When you feel particularly called to do something, you take action and move. You’re putting your faith in God that he’s got you. He’s going to make it work for you. Still skeptical? Thinking “Ok, Kam but some things in my life haven’t worked out.” What? Like divorce, jobs that you hated, cities you moved to and moved away from? Did you learn anything from those experiences? Can you look back and see that one experience gave you the tools you needed for the next experience and so on? Maybe the outcome wasn’t what you had hoped, but the experience still worked out for you. You got what you were supposed to get from it. 

What separates you from those who have millions in their bank account, beach houses and their name on the side of a building? Decision. They’ve decided that they have what it takes to make it all come true. They’ve decided that even if they don’t know “how” it’s going to happen, it will. Their “why” for going big is there and that’s what they focus on every single day. They decide to grow. They decide to take action on the calling God’s given them. They decide to wake up early and put in the work to get it done. They decide to grow themselves and to give more than they receive to this world. They decide that waking up every day on fire for what they do, for making an impact in this world is worth so much more than waking up dreading the day and living for the weekend. Every day is a Saturday morning to those who have found their calling. Every day is another opportunity to do something great and they decide to use each day to the best of their ability.

If you are sitting on the fence and needing help with a decision, go to my website and book a 10 minute strategy call. If you know you want to be great in this world and just aren’t sure what that looks like, get into my 6 month program that’s open until Wednesday night (2/12) at midnight. It’s a biblically based approach to giving you stunning clarity on God’s calling for your life. I open it twice a year and have watched this program transform so many lives! Age, race, experience, stage of life, none of this matters. All are welcome and will leave knowing what God called them to do specifically. If this intrigues you, even a little- click here. You’re one decision away from changing your life! 

XOXO,

Kameran