I think it’s safe to say that most, if not all, of us are quite aware that women and men are completely different in mind, body, soul and thought. But what if most of that is conditioned?
Take our emotions for example. Men have been conditioned by having an endless reel of emotionally murderous sayings pounded into them. Phrases like- “stop crying, be a man, man up, be a hero, don’t show your emotions, never show weakness”, you get the picture. In movies we saw as children, men are always strong, muscular, rarely if ever emotionally vulnerable. Meanwhile, the girl is always crying, swooning when the her knight in shining armor comes to save her, and we’ve been taught to talk to our girlfriends about every single detail of our lives.
When I was about 13, for fear that I would possibly see a snake while loading haybales, I literally climbed the haystack with my dad’s flatbed pickup. The thought running through my head while doing so was “I’m just not quite close enough.” It’s a wonder I didn’t roll it completely but when my 6’2″ father opened the passenger side door and I had to look down at him, I knew I was in BIG trouble. The only thing he said was- “Go to the house”. Ah crap. I did as I was told and when he came to the house, not one word was spoken of my idiocy or the damage. Not one. Why? Because I cried. Had that been either of my brothers, the wrath of hell that would’ve unleashed would’ve been next level. Prime example of conditioning. Girls, if you cry at getting a ticket or at wrecking a pickup on the farm, you get out of it. Boys, if you cry, you’re gonna get double. Take it like a man.
So what happens when this is our emotional conditioning from birth to marriage? We go into marriage with the exact same thoughts and beliefs and we are left with husbands who can’t regulate emotions and wives that are emotionally manipulative.
Here’s the next level. Men are also conditioned to believe that the number of sexual partners they have is directly proportionate to their level of peer acceptance. The higher the number, the cooler a guy becomes. Meanwhile, women are chastised for their sexual behavior because the higher the number, the more she becomes UNaccepted by society.
Therefore, men are taught that sex is good, but it’s not safe to be emotionally vulnerable. Under no circumstance whatsoever are you to connect the two as a man.
On the other side of the coin, women are taught that you do not have sex with someone you are not emotionally involved with. Open up, be vulnerable, it’s safe but do not have sex until he’s vulnerable with you as well. Hence the reason hearing “I love you” is how we are taught to gauge whether a man is worthy of a sexual encounter. See the problem here?
Broken down- men need sex but aren’t able to be emotionally available and women need to be emotionally vulnerable but aren’t able to be sexually involved without the emotional involvement.
The marriage goes on a few more years and the couple gets complacent, the woman starts thinking more about the dishes in the sink and the laundry that needs rewashed for the third time and she’s not able to connect emotionally to her partner. Her husband needs the sex but without the emotional connection, she’s not able to enjoy it. She becomes more and more distant and eventually sex isn’t fun for him anymore either because he sees she’s just not that into it anymore. The gap of connection widens further.
It all stems back to emotional intelligence. If the man would’ve learned to regulate his emotions, show them (all of them) in a healthy way and learned to have spousal awareness with his wife’s emotional needs, not only would their connection be airtight, their physical intimacy and passion would be through the roof! Take that one step further and if she would’ve been taught healthy boundaries around sex, people’s opinions, her own emotional regulation and to read her husband’s emotional needs, she would be able to act and react to his needs as well. Again, leading to connectivity, emotional and physical intimacy. WIN-WIN-WIN!
Marriages wouldn’t be so broken. The desire to cheat wouldn’t be as high and the divorce rate would plummet.
If any of this resonated and you feel like you need to learn boundaries around sex, emotional regulation, how to be more emotionally vulnerable with your spouse or how to read them emotionally and meet their needs, have more empathy and build stronger connections in marriage, business and with your children- Get in EQ & YOU!!! This is the whole reason I created this course! Cheers to your marriage!
Your coach,
Kameran