In 2022, your marriage needs THIS!

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

2021 has come to an end. Some were glad to see it go and others look back with fond memories. For us, it was both. For many reasons, it was hard and seemed a little like another dumpster fire. On the other hand, we saw baby Zayn go from an infant to sitting, crawling, pulling up, saying his first words, walking and dancing! We went on great adventures to Egypt, Sea World, and traveled to see family. It was full of joy and memories!

However, one thing I’m seeing with clients, friends, followers and being a pilot wife, even with my own marriage at times is that the one thing lacking in many marriages is connection. 

Humans start looking for connection as soon as we are born! It starts with feeling that skin to skin contact with our parents straight out of the womb. We feel comfort, love and safety there, physically and emotionally. That drive to find emotional safety with other human beings, that deep need for physical comfort extends throughout our entire lives. The search for emotional safety is part of our survival. This may be a newsflash for you and it may not. Some are aware and others not so much. Some even go so far as to deny this drive even exists because they’ve lost contact with it. Oh but deeply suppressed, it’s still there. 

Emotional safety > emotional connection > emotional intimacy. It’s a chain reaction. When emotional intimacy is lacking in marriage, it creates a deep, black hole of emptiness and/or emotional discomfort. Both of these cause people to behave in ways that hurt themselves and others. Remember how I’m always saying that behavior is communication of an unmet need? Still applies here. The unmet need is emotional connection or emotional intimacy. The behavior is that hurt people hurt people.

So in 2022, I challenge you to develop a deeper emotional intimacy with your partner. How? 

Cultivate a sense of “good enough”. Good enough is not perfect- we and nothing is ever going to be perfect. This sense of good enough understands that no one in your home is ever going to be emotionally available, present and supportive 100% of the time. However, it is also striving for at least 50% of the time. It’s giving your partner and your children a felt experience of being seen, heard, understood, wanted and loved. Especially, when they are feeling emotional distress (anger, anxiety, sadness, fear, loss, disappointment, etc). This means that when your partner or your children are acting out in ways that are less than loveable, you understand that in that moment is when they need love the most! 

It means that instead of saying “you’re ok/fine” or “stop crying” to your kids, you say things like “how can I help you right now?” or “is your body hurt or your feelings?” proceeded with “do you need (provide a solution), a hug, or both?” It’s not getting angry at them because they’re communicating an unmet need and don’t have the emotional regulation or vocabulary to communicate with words in a respectful, calm manner. Many adults don’t even do this so having that expectation for your children is unrealistic.

It means that you develop connection with your spouse by getting to know them again! When Moe and I were dating, we spent HOURS on the phone talking and asking questions. The other day I mentioned not feeling connected and referenced these conversations to which he replied “Yeah but babe, we’re done with that. We did it when we were dating so we don’t have to have those conversations again.” OY VEY!  No, no, no my friend. As a couple, you are constantly having those conversations because you’re constantly evolving. Who you are now is not who you were 5 years ago. Do you know your partner now? Do you know yourself now? Asking open-ended questions, digging deeper into things, promoting that emotional connection builds that emotional intimacy which leads to a MUCH deeper physical intimacy! So if your emotional relationship is lacking, so is your life in the bedroom mostly likely. If your emotional intimacy is strong, safe and deep, so is the sex!  

Emotional support skills are learned skills including emotional validation, reflection, mindfulness, active listening, communication, self-regulation and co-regulation, and the biggest one of all- empathy. 

If you’re interested in deepening this for yourself, check out the courses page for a brand new course option that hasn’t even been advertised to the public yet! 

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR! Build that emotional connection and keep striving to be the best version of yourself in 2022! I have so much hope and excitement for you and all you’re going to accomplish this year! 

Your Coach,

Kameran

Top 10 Tips to Survive Holiday Family Time

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Or is it?

The holidays stir up different emotions for everyone. For those who had wonderful childhood memories of the holidays, have a supporting family and leave each gathering feeling fulfilled, loved and excited for the next meeting, the holidays are incredible! Some people have the complete opposite of those giddy vibes that family provides though. Which person are you? Do you know which category your spouse falls into? Is it the same as yours? Here are a few tips to help you both get through the holidays. 

1. Talk about it.
If you are in a relationship, talk to your spouse about what the holidays bring for you- stress, anxiety, bad memories, excitement, happiness, fulfillment? What comes up for you? Certain feelings for one side of the family and others for the other side? What comes up for them for their family? What comes up for them with your family? 

If you’re not in a relationship, be aware of the answers to these questions for yourself. Journal on them if needed.

2. Set expectations with everyone.
What time are you meeting? Where? Who’s bringing what dish? Who’s staying where? When are you leaving? 

Additionally, how do you expect the time to go? Do you want to take advantage of the time to relax or do you want to fill the time with certain activities? 

3. Identify patterns. Address if needed.
Are you always the one who cooks and cleans while others sit, eat and expect to be served on a silver platter? Frustrating for sure, but before you get mad and build that silent resentment- try asking for their help. Ask yourself if where your anger or irritation comes from when the pattern arises. Is it because you’ve never communicated your expectations?

4. Cultural Differences
Cultures are different across the world but they can also be different from family to family. Some families eat certain foods, some have traditional events, some have a particular demeanor. Get to know your people. Just because they don’t do everything your family does or they want certain things included doesn’t make them wrong. It’s part of their culture. If you aren’t aware of them, there’s a really good chance you’re pre-judging without all the facts. 

As a personal example, my husband is Middle Eastern. His family is boisterous, indulgent, doting, and always laughing. Everyone helps clean up. My family is more serious. Expectations are higher but communication isn’t. My brothers have conversations mostly made up of movie lines. The idioms are fast and frequent. My youngest brother has a hard time with the fact that my husband takes a nap every day after lunch. 

In my husband’s culture, this is common but more than that, having to constantly focus on conversations, be apart of them and think about the meaning behind the conversations going on around him- my husband is completely exhausted after only a few hours. His mind runs on full force just trying to fit into the conversations. Not something my brother has ever thought about or asked about but has definitely judged Moe for. Are you judging people without understanding their perspective or needs? 

5. Take a Step Back.
Certain family members drain every ounce of your energy? This is sadly more common than most people care to admit. Ask yourself what bothers you about them? Remember that insecurities are LOUD, confidence is quiet. If they’re loud and obnoxious, maybe they need reassurance that they’re wanted, seen, heard or loved. If they’re overbearing or controlling, maybe they need boundaries. Also remember that unhealthy people respond to boundaries in unhealthy ways. However, if they are responding in an unhealthy way, they’re only solidifying why the boundary needed set in the first place. Keep setting them. Eventually, their response won’t trigger you as much. Take a step back and view the person and the situation from a different perspective- theirs, an outsider’s or as that person. What’s needed? 

6. REST
For those of us who leave family and are not fulfilled but more drained after the holidays, we need a few days to rest. A vacation from the vacation if you will. If your spouse is this person, have compassion and give them the rest they need. If you are this person, take the time you need. Get your nails done, take a drive, get a massage, whatever you need to refill your own cup, do it.

7. Do What You Gotta Do.
In some cases, family is who you choose, not what you were born into. If you need to make the choice to put your mental health above a weekend with people who make you miserable, do what you have to do. You should never feel unsafe, torn down or broken by people who claim to love you for the sake of tradition. 

8. Make Your Own Traditions
Turkey too much work and it never gets eaten? Grab a few rotisserie chickens from Costco. Make enchiladas. Have chili and cinnamon rolls instead…and YES! That is an incredibly delicious thing! (IYKYK) Traditions aren’t set in stone. Do what makes things more enjoyable, gives you more time and even better memories! Screw tradition if it takes away from joy, memories or happiness. 

9. Do Not Count Calories. 
You’re talking about 1-2 days, not months. What you eat over the 1-2 days isn’t going to make or break your diet, create bad habits or turn you into a blob. Enjoy your time. Enjoy your meals. Stop obsessing. Stress, shame and guilt will do way more damage to your body and mind than a couple pieces of pumpkin pie ever will. 

10. Take all the pictures. 
Get a cheap tripod off of Amazon, set it up and take pictures. Take pictures of your littles on their Pops & Gigi’s laps. Take the candid shots, the pictures that are real and in the moment. Someday you’ll be glad you did.

Safe travels and enjoy your week! 

Kameran