Is trust an issue?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

“Trust is built in droplet and lost in buckets.” – Kevin A. Plank

For the past 5 months, I’ve been working on an aviation summit for pilot wives. We had around 350 people who attended the summit and I’m so grateful. I’m grateful that it was a huge success and so many got resources and information to help build better, happier lives. I’m equally as grateful that it’s over. It was a LOT of work! 

After it was over, I had several emails from summit viewers on relationship questions and 5 or so were centered around trust. “If my husband has cheated, can I ever trust him again?” “My partner hasn’t done anything big for me to not trust him but a lot of little things over time to make me question my trust in him. Are we doomed?” “My partner relives patterns that feel like betrayal and hurt me so much. Should I leave or is there a chance we can work it out?” 

Trust is one of the foundational building blocks of a marriage. When it’s broken, it’s usually broken in a big way. The betrayed partner feels hurt while questioning the decisions they’re making by staying. The emotional and mental overload is immense! The betrayer may feel remorse, fear of losing the relationship, guilt, and maybe even a need to defend their actions. 

The short answer to these questions is that yes, trust can be restored. No, you’re not doomed. 

However, the long answer starts with the misconception that trust is easily restored or that it’s a quick process. It’s not, on either account.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. 

A few days ago my son was playing the Xbox and I began to hear him talking to someone through his headset. It was 9AM and while my son is homeschooled, he doesn’t know a lot of other kids his age that are so I knew he wasn’t talking to someone he knew. That’s rule number 1 in our house. Then when I started looking into the game he was playing, it was a game he isn’t even allowed to be on. Strike two.

I forgave him for making an unsafe decision and breaking the house expectations. However, he still lost his privileges on the Xbox for a hot minute.

Forgiveness doesn’t exempt him from taking responsibility for his actions. He now has to show me that he’s learned the lesson and that I can trust him in that situation again. 

It’s no different for your spouse. You can forgive them but they’re still responsible for the actions that have hurt you, for apologizing using your apology language (not theirs), and for showing you repeatedly over time that they have learned something from that experience and can be trusted again. 

The next misconception is that one time of proof that they’ve done great means you trust them fully again. Not even close. Droplets and buckets, remember? That one time is fantastic and definitely helps but it doesn’t mean your partner is automatically going to praise you, celebrate you and tell you you’re off the hook because you screwed up last time. That’s a very unrealistic expectation.

It may mean that time, repeated “good behavior” and apologizing every time there is a trigger for the offending incident coming up is needed to restore the trust. Does it mean that the offended partner can throw you under the bus, chastise you, or use hurtful words/actions every time they’re triggered? Absolutely not. Healthy communication of emotions, triggers and maybe even avoiding those triggers will be needed to move forward. That’s going to look different for every relationship. 

You have to do what works for you and your relationship. 

That may mean an agreement that an app like Life360 or sharing your location is put in place. Calling when you get somewhere, facetiming, having your partner with you, being home by a certain time, getting therapy, coaching or counseling is needed or coming up with a game plan to break patterns is put into play. Accepting and respecting the boundaries your partner puts into place to keep them emotionally safe has to happen.

The betrayer has to be open and honest- with themselves and with their partner. They have to be willing to let go of the pride and accept the consequences of overstepping the boundaries put into place and they have to want the good of the relationship more than they want their pride and ego to be stroked. 

If you’re needing help with this, please reach out. I do have 4 open spaces for pop up sessions this coming week. 

Until next week, love each other well.

Your Coach,

Kameran

Are you living into the best version of you?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

One to two times a year my husband goes to training as a pilot. He goes for his annual training to keep him current so he can be on top of his game when he’s flying 75 passengers to and from making memories. This year he started the year at training to upgrade to captain. 
He’s gone for about a month both times and let’s face it, if anything at all is going to happen, it will be during those times. It’s pilot wife law. Well long story short, during this trip alone- my son has been pulled from middle school after a ridiculous amount of issues and we’ve started homeschooling-a situation in an of itself that took about 8 years off my life from stress. My dad had his second heart attack in 5 years. I have a full coaching roster, working from home, have a teething toddler and my love languages (quality time and physical touch) have obviously not been met. Resentful? A little. 

I met with my coach because yes, coaches need coaches so we can make sure we are applying everything we preach. After hearing all of this, she asked me “how are you living into the best version of you?” Umm… I’m trying not to drown? Doesn’t sound very “best version” and thriving.

Buuuuuut….She was right. *sigh* Funny how that happens and it was just the kick in the pants I needed.

I can’t control the fact that my husband is living his dreams and doing what he believes is his best by providing for his family. I can’t control that his idea of what a man needs to do and what I need as a woman and a wife are fundamentally different. I can control whether or not I’m a jerk to him and whether I support him in doing so. I can control how I communicate these needs and we work through them while he’s there and has a break and after he gets home. 

I’ve controlled all I can with the school, communicated the best I can. I can’t control the fact that it hasn’t helped. However, I have a teaching degree so  I can control my son’s learning and the outcomes of what he gets at home.

I can’t control the outcome of my Dad’s health and when he’s called home. Scary as it is, this one’s all on God. 

I can’t control my feelings of inadequacy, overwhelm, loneliness, resentment, or love languages not being met. I can control how much time I spend working on my mindset, going to the gym so I feel better about myself, what I eat, how I spend my time and how I react to these feelings. I can control how I communicate my needs and initiate virtual date nights. 

I can control how I show up for my husband, even if he isn’t able to show up for me in the ways I’d like him to right now. I can control my integrity, my empathy and my own effort because if the situations were reversed, this is how I’d want him to treat me. That dadgum golden rule sure does slap you in the face all the way through your life.

Throughout this whole week, I had to get real with myself and sometimes that means answering the hard questions like Who is the best version of myself? What does she look like? How does she show up to life, to all the roles she plays and for herself? 

It takes two whole people to create a whole union. If I’m relying on my husband to be his best before I am my best, that’s codependent and not healthy or whole. It’s also counter-blaming your partner and showing defensiveness, one of the top four causes of divorce. 

Bottom line, the best version of your marriage starts as the best version of you. Start there and control what you can control. It’s the only thing that will keep your sanity in check in a world of chaos.

If you have absolutely no idea what the best version of you looks like, get into the Back to Basics program! A short 6 week course that teaches you to recognize the best version of you, create goals you’ll actually keep, create habits to fulfill those goals and live into the best version of you, set boundaries to preserve your energy, and create a life you are madly in love with!  (If you need a payment plan, please email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com)

Your Coach,

Kameran