Family Archives

Happy New Year!

This year, one of my goals is to get even more vulnerable, real and raw with you about my own marriage so you can see exactly how to apply the tools I’m giving you each week.

When Moe and I were struggling so badly last year, I started analyzing our arguments and conflict cycles. What were the commonalities? What could I change, even if he didn’t? The answer was in myself. I had no boundaries. Someone once asked me if it meant that your marriage was unhealthy if you had to have boundaries. On the contrary! The healthiest marriages have strong boundaries and strong consequences! That’s what keeps them healthy!

There are so many factors that create the need for boundaries and often, boundaries are thought to be rules for what someone else can or can’t do. This is also false. Boundaries are there for your guidance, your safety and your mental, physical and emotional health. They are there to build and keep trust. Additionally, they do not have the word “YOU” in them; that’s an ultimatum.

Here are some ideas of boundaries and what they sound like as well as a few consequences that may need to be put in place if those boundaries are crossed. This may help your marriage become even stronger this year. *fingers crossed*

1. All communication with co-workers of the opposite sex are sent through work e-mail.

2. Phones are unlocked or passcodes are shared at all times and phones are open for your spouse to check at any time.

3. Any communication sent to someone else must have the same level of integrity as if the spouse were standing next to me, reading it as I sent it.

Hopefully you don’t feel the need to check your spouse’s phone but sadly, more and more spouses are feeling the need to do so. It’s easy to fall into the trap of reaching out to someone else through social media or text messaging for validation, comfort and emotional connection when they’re hurt or rejected by their spouse. However, that lacks integrity and isn’t the job for someone else. It’s your job to open up and have the self-awareness, courage and vulnerability to ask for what you need. It’s the job of your spouse to let go of their pride and provide what you need in that moment.

4. Boundaries around technology time. Such as: No phones at the dinner table. Consequences could look like whoever brings their phone to the table has to do the dishes or cook the next meal. Phones are set on Do Not Disturb or Sleep mode at a specific time. Mine is 9 PM. This is when our oldest goes to bed and all the time after that before Moe and I go to bed is dedicated solely to us as a couple. No phones in the bedroom. Did you know that 10% of people check their phones during sex and 35% report checking it right after? Talk about a massive mood killer!

5. One meal a day will be eaten together.

6. We will spend 20 minutes a day alone together without distraction to reconnect our marriage and refuel our souls.

7. We will get help with our persistent issues.

8. We will go on a trip, just the two of us, at least once a year.

9. We will change our fight styles to be assertive, healthy and calm.

10. Passive aggressive behavior does not communicate that there is a problem. Conflict will only be responded to when communicated assertively.

11. We will not be spending time with people who drain us of energy.

12. We will leave if conversations aren’t healthy for us or our children.

13. We will use effective time management so that all work is done between a set number of hours.

14. Our priorities are God, Spouse, Children, Job, everything else, in that order, every time.

15. I will not be in a marriage where I am lied to, manipulated, yelled at, hit, gaslit or disrespected.

16. Both of our names will be on all bank accounts.

A lot of these don’t have consequences listed because the consequence is a natural one. If you don’t have at least one meal together a day or your time together is less than 20 minutes, the consequence is disconnection. If your fight styles don’t change, you keep repeating patterns of toxic behavior. If you don’t calendar the trip together, it won’t happen, and you will keep trying to run on an empty cup. If your partner won’t get help, get help for yourself. If neither of you get the help you need, the tools aren’t learned, emotions aren’t released and nothing changes. See the pattern here?

It’s important to remember that when boundaries are set, there may be pushback. Expect it and also stand firm in the boundary that you set. When people throw a tantrum over a boundary you set, they are demonstrating why the boundary needed to be set in the first place. Also, don’t assume that your partner knows what your boundaries are if you don’t communicate them. “You should just know” is the biggest line of garbage I’ve ever heard in a marriage. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Differences in familial culture, geographic locations and culture, information they have that you don’t, or you have that they don’t, these factors and more make up many reasons why you have to communicate. Assumptions are a main reason why marriages start to break down.

I had to explain a lot of the boundaries I had around texting, time out with friends, money, and priorities because of cultural differences Moe and I had when we got married. I made a boat load of assumptions that seemed like common sense to me but because of those cultural differences, they didn’t make sense at all to him. The boundaries I set told Moe what I would and wouldn’t put up with, be a part of or have in my marriage. Another boundary I have is that I will not turn your pants right side out or check pockets. I am not wasting half my life doing these things. So, natural consequences…Moe’s had his air pods washed twice and is currently missing one because he left them in his pockets. #notsorry

Many of these boundaries also work with your kids and keep you from running on empty and getting resentful because of it. But that’s another blog post for another day.

Until then, have a great weekend and check out my Instagram if you want to follow us through Egypt for the next 2 weeks! @divorce.proof.marriage
Your coach,
Kameran

What’s new in 2023?

I am not doing group coaching anymore. All of my group coaching programs have gone into the vault. I’m focusing solely on 1:1 coaching for couples, husbands, wives, and individuals wanting life and purpose coaching.

I have 4 open spaces for couples coaching starting January 20. Want to know what others are saying? Look below for a review from one wife who just graduated my program. She and her husband started last January. He was a closet alcoholic; they’d fought about the same hot topics for 13 years with no resolution. They were sick and tired of each other, their marriage and where they were in life. One year later, he’s been sober for 10 months. They laugh together, are prioritizing date nights, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company again. She tells her story below. If you’re on the fence, now is definitely the time to jump! Payment plans are always available.

If you’re struggling as an individual and just can’t get to where you want to be, I have two open spaces for life coaching. Reply to this email and let me know what you’re struggling with, where you want to go, and we can chat about what it will look like to get you there. Payment plans are always available for this too.

Women’s bible study starts Feb 4! This will be once a week, free and probably in the evening. Designed to be used in conjunction with her new book, Becoming MomStrong, this 6-week Bible Study from Heidi St. John will help busy mothers learn to trust God with their deepest parenting questions. Each week you’ll find personal stories, Scripture reflections, Bible verses, and prayer prompts to help train you and your child’s hearts to discern truth and develop godly character. Reply to this email if you’d like to sign up for more information on that.

If you are in aviation- mark your calendars for April 19-21! That’s going to be the 2nd annual aviation summit! If you are in aviation and have a topic you’d like to speak on or a product you’d like to donate for our giveaways, reply to this email and let me know what you’ve got!

Just after my divorce, I moved to Ft. Worth, TX where I knew exactly one friend from college and his wife. She and I were sitting in their backyard next to their fire pit one night, having a conversation when she told me I was the most “scrappy and resourceful” person she’d ever met. Admittedly, I wasn’t sure if this was a compliment or an insult but as the years have gone by, I realize, it’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Working with women and couples, the one thing I hear the most is that wives are exhausted from “doing it all”. The house, the errands, the meals, their job, etc, etc.

I hear jokes that constantly belittle men by complaining how they can’t find anything if their wife doesn’t find it for them. An example given by many is that they’re standing in front of the fridge asking “do we have any ketchup?”.

Raising kids and homeschooling, I hear the same things all day long “I can’t figure this out”, “how do I”, “help me”, “can you do this”. Over and over.

What do all three scenarios have in common? Resourcefulness.

Do you know the difference between enabling and helping?

Helping is doing something for someone that they can’t do for themselves- grabbing the box of cereal off the top shelf for the disabled person in a wheelchair at the grocery store, zipping the coat of a 1 year old. Enabling is doing something for someone when they can do it themselves- putting your 3 year old’s shoes on them, making breakfast for your 13 year old, paying off a debt for your mother-in-law or grown child because they’re too lazy to get a job and pay it themselves.

The brutally honest truth is that we’ve become the helicopter parents and the enabling spouses. We give way less credit to our children than they deserve and hold way more resentment for them when they’re enjoying the freedom we wish we had.

The truth is, the point of parenting is to teach them to be resourceful enough not to need us and emotionally stable enough not to fall apart while simultaneously accepting it when that time comes.

It’s having our daughter-in-law send us a text of appreciation when her husband looks in the pantry for an extra bottle of ketchup instead of asking if they have any while his head is in the fridge.

That point starts and the resentment of mothers and wives all over ends at the same intersection on the streets of Delegation Avenue and Responsibility Boulevard.

If you’re doing the same things over and over expecting a different result, congratulations. You’re literally living out the definition of insanity! Stop!

Give children chores! Set boundaries with your spouse by saying “I don’t have the time/energy/sanity/brainpower to do xyz.” Ask for help. The only reason women are “doing it all, all by themselves” is because they’re allowing it. They either arrogantly believe they’re the only ones who can do it “right”. Or they thrive on the stress and overload of cortisol while striving for perfection, knowing it will never come.

As a pilot wife, I hear “well we live in a city where we have no family. I have no help and my husband is always gone.” #metoo Guess what? Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Gym daycare, care.com, make friends with the other moms from your kid’s soccer/baseball team, meetup or peanut apps, church. I could go on for days.

Your husband and children can help out around the house. They live there. It takes the whole team to move the ball of life down the field. There are age appropriate chore charts and lists all over the www. Be resourceful and find one that works for your family! (See what I did there? ;))

Instead of rushing to help your kids out, let them struggle a little bit. Ask them questions like “how could you figure that out?” or “where would you find something like that?” Hide a toy under a blanket when your kids are toddlers and let them look for them. Cheer when they find it. Make your 18 month old help pick up toys. If they’re old enough to get them out on their own, they’re old enough to pick them up. Will it be perfect all the time? Absolutely not. However, they’ve got to start somewhere. Our kids can do so much more than we let them do.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll never be hungry again. The same concept applies to our kids.

I’ve witnessed 2 year olds cracking eggs and stirring muffin batter, 3 year olds putting their own shoes, coat and mittens on, 12 year olds mowing yards and taking out the trash of the elderly in the neighborhood for a little extra cash. Have you let your child try so you know they can’t do it or are you holding them back because of your own insecurities in letting them try?

On the flip side of that coin, what are you holding yourself back from trying that would propel you forward? Whose coat tails are you holding onto in hopes that they’ll enable you when you can do it yourself? What have you been putting off out of frustration or fear when all you really need is to break the big plan into smaller chunks? How can you figure it out on your own? What boundary or new habit can you set to create more space and sanity for you?

Creating resourcefulness in our children leads to more mature, resourceful adults who are consequently less entitled, more appreciative and less needy.

They’ll have better work ethic and a competitive advantage for being hired or figuring out how to run their own business.

How can you be more resourceful in your marriage? If what’s not working hasn’t been working for a hot minute, what do you need to change? What hard conversation needs to be had that you’ve been putting off out of fear or frustration? Is there a book, a podcast, or another resource you can intentionally utilize to change the trajectory of your life? Who can you go to for suggestions on resources they find useful?

Your children have the ability to do so much more than they think and so do you.

Your coach,
Kameran

Family

Boundaries in Marriage

Where’s the Ketchup?