Be the Change

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

It’s been a hot minute since I got one of these out to you. To be honest, with moving and the world’s events, I needed a mental break from trying to help everyone else and I needed to help myself. If that’s you too, here’s your permission to take a much needed break to take care of you! It was tremendously helpful! 

During that time, I noticed a lot of patterns within couples I’m coaching, couples that are friends or acquaintences and even with my husband and I. It seems like everyone is at odds with their spouses these days. Interestingly enough, as a professional in this industry, when I look at a relationship quarreling, I see two people playing the blame game while looking in a mirror. 

One person, let’s say the wife, needs connection, touch and for her husband to show affection, desire, and interest in her. So she asks for it in a subtle way. That call for connection is missed by her husband so she feels rejected and protests, picking a fight, criticizing, getting angry and throwing a tantrum. Now in most cases, this happens after many attempts of connection but for time’s sake, roll with me here. 

Now, he withdraws or mirrors back the behavior she exhibits out of defensiveness or a need to keep the peace. All the while, inside, he needs connection, affection, to be wanted and needed as well.

Men don’t typically ask for their needs to be met because men are taught that if they show need or feelings, they’re weak. Women typically protest by literally fighting for the relationship. See how both behaviors are less than desirable but showing the same need? 

So what’s the answer to keep this from happening? 

What I realized when my husband and I were going through this a few weeks ago is that as the woman, I’m more in tune with our connection. I see it going off the rails much more quickly than my husband does. Additionally, I can’t control him or his actions/reactions. I can only control me. So I had to get extremely deep in my reflection of my own behavior. It’s human nature to think we’re doing better than we really are. So when I started looking at myself in the mirror and asking the question “Would you want to be married to you?” The answer wasn’t a resounding yes. In fact, there were many instances where I had been more critical than praising, wasn’t as appreciative as I could’ve been, and wasn’t always assertive in conversations. I had to own my own faults and responsibilities. After all, it does take two people to make the relationship work. I couldn’t blame him for everything and I had to ask to be loved in a more loving way. 

Secondly, I had to connect with my husband on a level that made him feel safe emotionally. That’s our job as spouses, to create a safe space for our partner to be who they are authentically, to be able to talk to us, open up and be vulnerable, without judgement or ridicule. I wasn’t doing a great job of that and neither was he, we were both to blame and that’s why the relationship was becoming disconnected. 

I literally had to be the change I wanted to see in our relationship. I controlled what I could control and continue to do so. I got real with who I want to be as my best self and started living into that. My clients started doing the same as well. 

The result? My husband started noticing the effort I was putting in, how I was changing and started changing his own behavior, becoming a better husband and being more appreciative of me. Both of us became the change we wanted to see. Our marriage, and each of us as individuals are better for it. Our boys are seeing how to come out of hardship in relationships as well. My clients started seeing the same results I was.

It’s important to note, this is a great jumping off point but becoming your best version isn’t a quick fix. This is a long term investment in yourself. It may take months but the quicker you start, the quicker you’ll start seeing some results in your marriage. You also have to do it for yourself, it can’t be change for your spouse or you’ll only build resentment later.

If you’re going through the storm now, drop the scorecard, stop playing the blame game and start looking inward. As always, reach out if you need help. 

Your Coach,

Kameran

Monthly Workshop- June 19 @ 7 PM CST

Do you feel like you and your partner go around and around in the same cycles of conflict? Want to know how to approach conflict as a team? Want to end the cycle? This workshop is your answer!

This workshop can be done as a couple or as an individual and is completely anonymous with the ability to chat directly with me during the workshop. 
Can’t make it that night? Sign up anyway and shoot me an email at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll send you a replay link on June 20! 
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP!

Is trust an issue?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

“Trust is built in droplet and lost in buckets.” – Kevin A. Plank

For the past 5 months, I’ve been working on an aviation summit for pilot wives. We had around 350 people who attended the summit and I’m so grateful. I’m grateful that it was a huge success and so many got resources and information to help build better, happier lives. I’m equally as grateful that it’s over. It was a LOT of work! 

After it was over, I had several emails from summit viewers on relationship questions and 5 or so were centered around trust. “If my husband has cheated, can I ever trust him again?” “My partner hasn’t done anything big for me to not trust him but a lot of little things over time to make me question my trust in him. Are we doomed?” “My partner relives patterns that feel like betrayal and hurt me so much. Should I leave or is there a chance we can work it out?” 

Trust is one of the foundational building blocks of a marriage. When it’s broken, it’s usually broken in a big way. The betrayed partner feels hurt while questioning the decisions they’re making by staying. The emotional and mental overload is immense! The betrayer may feel remorse, fear of losing the relationship, guilt, and maybe even a need to defend their actions. 

The short answer to these questions is that yes, trust can be restored. No, you’re not doomed. 

However, the long answer starts with the misconception that trust is easily restored or that it’s a quick process. It’s not, on either account.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. 

A few days ago my son was playing the Xbox and I began to hear him talking to someone through his headset. It was 9AM and while my son is homeschooled, he doesn’t know a lot of other kids his age that are so I knew he wasn’t talking to someone he knew. That’s rule number 1 in our house. Then when I started looking into the game he was playing, it was a game he isn’t even allowed to be on. Strike two.

I forgave him for making an unsafe decision and breaking the house expectations. However, he still lost his privileges on the Xbox for a hot minute.

Forgiveness doesn’t exempt him from taking responsibility for his actions. He now has to show me that he’s learned the lesson and that I can trust him in that situation again. 

It’s no different for your spouse. You can forgive them but they’re still responsible for the actions that have hurt you, for apologizing using your apology language (not theirs), and for showing you repeatedly over time that they have learned something from that experience and can be trusted again. 

The next misconception is that one time of proof that they’ve done great means you trust them fully again. Not even close. Droplets and buckets, remember? That one time is fantastic and definitely helps but it doesn’t mean your partner is automatically going to praise you, celebrate you and tell you you’re off the hook because you screwed up last time. That’s a very unrealistic expectation.

It may mean that time, repeated “good behavior” and apologizing every time there is a trigger for the offending incident coming up is needed to restore the trust. Does it mean that the offended partner can throw you under the bus, chastise you, or use hurtful words/actions every time they’re triggered? Absolutely not. Healthy communication of emotions, triggers and maybe even avoiding those triggers will be needed to move forward. That’s going to look different for every relationship. 

You have to do what works for you and your relationship. 

That may mean an agreement that an app like Life360 or sharing your location is put in place. Calling when you get somewhere, facetiming, having your partner with you, being home by a certain time, getting therapy, coaching or counseling is needed or coming up with a game plan to break patterns is put into play. Accepting and respecting the boundaries your partner puts into place to keep them emotionally safe has to happen.

The betrayer has to be open and honest- with themselves and with their partner. They have to be willing to let go of the pride and accept the consequences of overstepping the boundaries put into place and they have to want the good of the relationship more than they want their pride and ego to be stroked. 

If you’re needing help with this, please reach out. I do have 4 open spaces for pop up sessions this coming week. 

Until next week, love each other well.

Your Coach,

Kameran