5 Ways to Better Your Marriage Immediately

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

If your marriage is stuck in a rut, it’s easy to focus on all the negative. Easier yet is to wallow in the idea that it’s not worth it anymore or that there’s someone better out there. Couple that with the holidays and what you’ve got is the perfect storm of getting together for Friendsgiving and griping about your husbands while cleaning up dinner or about your wives while watching the game.

The greatness about coaching is that it focuses on the how more than the why. How do we better our marriage before the holiday get-togethers? Here’s 5 ways you can implement now.

1. Make a habit to implement 20 minutes of alone time together each day. 

The average American couple only spends 4 minutes alone together each day. That is NOT enough time to make a marriage work, connect or do anything other than make a request, throw a passive-aggressive comment and go to sleep. EEK. 

I am going to challenge you to carve out 20 minutes of your day, every day, to connect with your spouse. Ask a connecting question, talk about things other than the kids, the house or your job. That’s 1.4% of your day. 

2. Indulge in Hobbies and Happiness for YOURSELF!

If I had a dollar for every client that has come to me complaining that they are resentful of their spouse for getting time to themselves, but they don’t, I’d have an entire college fund built for my oldest solely off this topic alone. 

“I don’t have anyone to watch the kids.” 
“My husband is always working.”
“I don’t have time.” 

People. I say this with all the love and kindness in my heart but the only thing standing in your way is your excuses. As a single mom, I found time to paint, read, workout and lose 60 lbs. As a mom who homeschools, coaches 6 couples and 2 individuals (a full roster for me), is raising the most destructive toddler known to man-kind and a content creator with a husband who flies 23 days a month- I still find time to paint, read, workout, etc. I don’t have family near me and I have very few friends in our circle down here in Houston. 

I don’t say this to tell you I’m better than you, I’m not. You may be thinking “Well you don’t know my situation.” You’re right. I don’t. I don’t need to. I’ve lived a lot of different situations and coached many, many people through even more uniqueness. I am still telling you it’s possible, even if you have no money, even if you’re short on time, even if (fill in the blank) but you have to make it happen

Happiness is an inside job. We are responsible TO our spouses but not FOR our spouses. What that means is that it’s not your partner’s job to make you happy. It’s yours. If you indulge, even just a little bit, in a hobby that gives you energy, you’re going to be a better mom, wife, friend, and person. It’s not only worth it, it’s vital to your mental health! Again, make it happen. If you’re not sure what you like or what you’re passionate about, think back to when you were younger. What did you like? What have you been interested in before but didn’t ever dig into or learn? Learn it now. What have you always wanted to try but never did? Do it now.

3. Re-establish expectations.

This is another big one that can create resentment if not implemented. 

Every time you have a kid, move, change jobs, lose a job, lose a parent, lose your sh*t, the kids have a break from school, expectations change. If you don’t establish those expectations and keep re-establishing those expectations, you’re basically having a conversation inside your head that nobody else is a part of. It doesn’t work very well. 

Define what your expectations are. What do they look like specifically? Think about your own expectations of yourself, of your partner, of your children, of the circumstances, for your house, around your job, around your family budget, all of it. Talk about what the expectations look like specifically so there isn’t room for miscommunication or someone saying “I didn’t know.” Make sure the expectations work for you and your partner. If they don’t work for one, they don’t work at all. Revamp them until they do work for both parties. Of course, you can book a session if you’re not able to come to terms around these. 

This leads me to number 4. 

4. A weekly marriage meeting. 

Think of your marriage like a business. To a certain extent, it is. You have to budget, check in with each other, make sure the business is running smoothly so it’s successful and doesn’t fail. How does a successful business run? The owners, admins, etc. have meetings surrounding the important topics. If you’re not doing that in your marriage, I can tell you first hand that it doesn’t work so well. Moe and I drove the struggle bus and totaled that sucker so many times before we finally got on the right path and started doing these marriage meetings. I’ve developed a marriage meeting agenda you can find in the monthly membership that we and all my clients use. It walks you through all the important things for the week- budget, your sex life, appointments, etc. and addresses some of the core resentment starters before they become huge issues. It takes about 30-45 minutes at the beginning of your week and sets you up for so much more connection and success throughout the week! 

5. HAVE FUN!

I bet when you were dating you had a lot of fun! When you got married, you probably still had fun but you were also trying to make money to live on your own and buy groceries. Then you added a kid or two to the mix and life took precedence. You stopped scheduling date nights and fun so the fun stopped happening. That’s a thing you know. If you don’t put it on the calendar, it doesn’t happen. 

So this week, I am challenging you (again) to sit down with your spouse and schedule some FUN into your lives. A weekend getaway, a big vacation, date nights at least twice a month, put it all on your calendar! Get back to remembering why you fell in love and start enjoying each other again! You might even find that you like each other! ūüėė

Your coach,
Kameran

Does Your Marriage Need More Balance?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

In session a few days ago, I had a life coach client clearly frustrated, burnt out and resentful of her husband. It’s not uncommon, especially in the pilot wife community. She wasn’t getting the help she needed when her husband was home. Working full time, juggling the mental load of running an entire household and taking care of multiple kids under the age of 10, wearing all the hats of being a solo parent. It’s a lot.¬†

Childcare and household chores are the top arguments in marriages with children under the age of 12 in the house anyway, no matter what professions the parents have. Stay at home parents don’t feel they ever get a break and neither do parents who work outside the home.¬†

So as my client was talking about how much her husband had stopped helping around the house, quit attempting to help with baths and bedtime routines, never cleaned up, basically grown lazy in his leadership of their family, I asked her two questions that stopped her in her tracks. 

1. Do you clearly ask for what you need? 
2. Do you let him? 

The answer was no. It was also the answer to her entire problem. 

Do you clearly ask for what you need? Or,¬†you assume he “should just know”? This question works for both parties in a marriage but most often, I see wives making the assumption that their partner’s should be anticipating their needs and acting accordingly.

Spouses aren’t mind readers.

Expecting anyone to read your mind, anticipate your needs and move because you telepathically sent them the message isn’t going to work in your favor very well, unfortunately.¬†

However, clearly asking for help, as hard as it is, is going to make your life a thousand times better! What do I mean by clearly? Well, we assume that by asking our partner to take out the trash, they know we mean now. That’s information in our head that doesn’t get communicated so our partner’s behavior can’t climb the ladder¬†to meet our expectations. We left out a significant part of those expectations. The gap that was then created by that missed messaging was filled with shame, blame, resentment, arguing, anger, etc.¬†

So instead of saying “Hey, can you adios this trash for me, please?” We add a bit more context to say “Hey, would you mind hauling this trash to the dumpster on your way out the door this morning? I would appreciate it so much.” See the difference? The second example has a time frame you’re looking for and appreciation. The first request leaves a lot of room for error in your partner assumes you are cool with them taking it out when they get around to it. Then you get mad, do it yourself because “apparently nobody gives a crap about your needs around here!” You stop asking for help,¬†start assuming that to have your needs met, you have to meet them yourself and the massive elephant of resentment starts living rent free in your mind and marriage. More context, more appreciation.

Do you let him?


This is a whole tangent I’m going to talk about more in next week’s podcast. But essentially, it’s this. If you ask your 12 year old to fold the towels but he’s never done it before,¬†his “best work” is probably going to look¬†like your laundry has been run through a landfill and shoved in a closet. Not exactly what you had in mind. So you show him how you’d like it done.¬†

The hard truth is, your husband isn’t your child.

Stop treating him like one. 

Stop micromanaging him to death. 

Stop criticizing his efforts.

Stop enabling him. 

“But he doesn’t fold the towels right.” What is right? Do they fit in the linen closet neatly? Why is your way the “right” way? 

I know, all you enneagram 1s, 6s and 8s are cringing right now at the mere thought of letting your partner screw up “your way”. It’s ok. I promise. Your ego will in fact survive. The lesson for you here is to let them have freedom. The lesson for them is to do it again if it’s not done well the first time. Walk away if it’s too excruciating to watch them do it in twice the time it would take you or in a way that’s different than your own.¬†

There is gold in letting someone learn from an experience.

In fact, some people have that specifically written in their human design. They must learn a lesson by experiencing it on their own versus having someone enable them by doing what they could do, only in a different way. 

You and your spouse are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other. 

Let them screw up. 
Let them do things in their own time and way. 
Let them handle the consequences of their choices. 
Support them, don’t enable them.¬†
Learn to manage your own anxiety, over-criticism, and overly high expectations. 
Work on cleaning up your side of the street. 

You might find that nobody dies and nobody cares as much as you do about that thing. 
You might find that your marriage is happier and more peaceful. 
You might find that your partner starts helping more! They feel emotionally safer to help because you aren’t sounding like their mother. 
You might even find that the man of your house starts leading because you’re willing to be lead. 

Part of that balance is that the man’s natural masculine energy is fed so the woman’s feminine energy can soften.¬†

Everything in marriage is a balance. Both people can’t show up in alpha masculine energy. It won’t work. 
Both partners can’t show up anxious, lackadaisical, defensive, or aloof. There has to be balance. 

If that balance is off kilter, look at what you’re bringing to the table.

Are you letting your partner be who they were fundamentally designed to be? Are you asking for what you need? What assumptions are you making that need to be questioned or communicated?

Make sure to check out the podcast next week for more on this. Also check it out this week as Julie Mennano from IG’s famous account @thesecurerelationship sit down to talk all about attachment styles! It’s an absolute MUST LISTEN to if you’re a parent, grandparent or in a relationship! You can find that episode anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts just by searching Recognizing Potential Podcast or listen here.

Until then, have a safe and fantastic Labor Day weekend!  

Your coach,
Kameran