Expectations Archives – Page 2 of 10

In session a few days ago, I had a life coach client clearly frustrated, burnt out and resentful of her husband. It’s not uncommon, especially in the pilot wife community. She wasn’t getting the help she needed when her husband was home. Working full time, juggling the mental load of running an entire household and taking care of multiple kids under the age of 10, wearing all the hats of being a solo parent. It’s a lot.

Childcare and household chores are the top arguments in marriages with children under the age of 12 in the house anyway, no matter what professions the parents have. Stay at home parents don’t feel they ever get a break and neither do parents who work outside the home.

So as my client was talking about how much her husband had stopped helping around the house, quit attempting to help with baths and bedtime routines, never cleaned up, basically grown lazy in his leadership of their family, I asked her two questions that stopped her in her tracks.

1. Do you clearly ask for what you need?
2. Do you let him?

The answer was no. It was also the answer to her entire problem.

Do you clearly ask for what you need? Or, you assume he “should just know”? This question works for both parties in a marriage but most often, I see wives making the assumption that their partner’s should be anticipating their needs and acting accordingly.

Spouses aren’t mind readers.

Expecting anyone to read your mind, anticipate your needs and move because you telepathically sent them the message isn’t going to work in your favor very well, unfortunately.

However, clearly asking for help, as hard as it is, is going to make your life a thousand times better! What do I mean by clearly? Well, we assume that by asking our partner to take out the trash, they know we mean now. That’s information in our head that doesn’t get communicated so our partner’s behavior can’t climb the ladder to meet our expectations. We left out a significant part of those expectations. The gap that was then created by that missed messaging was filled with shame, blame, resentment, arguing, anger, etc.

So instead of saying “Hey, can you adios this trash for me, please?” We add a bit more context to say “Hey, would you mind hauling this trash to the dumpster on your way out the door this morning? I would appreciate it so much.” See the difference? The second example has a time frame you’re looking for and appreciation. The first request leaves a lot of room for error in your partner assumes you are cool with them taking it out when they get around to it. Then you get mad, do it yourself because “apparently nobody gives a crap about your needs around here!” You stop asking for help, start assuming that to have your needs met, you have to meet them yourself and the massive elephant of resentment starts living rent free in your mind and marriage. More context, more appreciation.

Do you let him?

This is a whole tangent I’m going to talk about more in next week’s podcast. But essentially, it’s this. If you ask your 12 year old to fold the towels but he’s never done it before, his “best work” is probably going to look like your laundry has been run through a landfill and shoved in a closet. Not exactly what you had in mind. So you show him how you’d like it done.

The hard truth is, your husband isn’t your child.

Stop treating him like one.

Stop micromanaging him to death.

Stop criticizing his efforts.

Stop enabling him.

“But he doesn’t fold the towels right.” What is right? Do they fit in the linen closet neatly? Why is your way the “right” way?

I know, all you enneagram 1s, 6s and 8s are cringing right now at the mere thought of letting your partner screw up “your way”. It’s ok. I promise. Your ego will in fact survive. The lesson for you here is to let them have freedom. The lesson for them is to do it again if it’s not done well the first time. Walk away if it’s too excruciating to watch them do it in twice the time it would take you or in a way that’s different than your own.

There is gold in letting someone learn from an experience.

In fact, some people have that specifically written in their human design. They must learn a lesson by experiencing it on their own versus having someone enable them by doing what they could do, only in a different way.

You and your spouse are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other.

Let them screw up.
Let them do things in their own time and way.
Let them handle the consequences of their choices.
Support them, don’t enable them.
Learn to manage your own anxiety, over-criticism, and overly high expectations.
Work on cleaning up your side of the street.

You might find that nobody dies and nobody cares as much as you do about that thing.
You might find that your marriage is happier and more peaceful.
You might find that your partner starts helping more! They feel emotionally safer to help because you aren’t sounding like their mother.
You might even find that the man of your house starts leading because you’re willing to be lead.

Part of that balance is that the man’s natural masculine energy is fed so the woman’s feminine energy can soften.

Everything in marriage is a balance. Both people can’t show up in alpha masculine energy. It won’t work.
Both partners can’t show up anxious, lackadaisical, defensive, or aloof. There has to be balance.

If that balance is off kilter, look at what you’re bringing to the table.

Are you letting your partner be who they were fundamentally designed to be? Are you asking for what you need? What assumptions are you making that need to be questioned or communicated?

Make sure to check out the podcast next week for more on this. Also check it out this week as Julie Mennano from IG’s famous account @thesecurerelationship sit down to talk all about attachment styles! It’s an absolute MUST LISTEN to if you’re a parent, grandparent or in a relationship! You can find that episode anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts just by searching Recognizing Potential Podcast or listen here.

Until then, have a safe and fantastic Labor Day weekend!

Your coach,
Kameran

Just after my divorce, I moved to Ft. Worth, TX where I knew exactly one friend from college and his wife. She and I were sitting in their backyard next to their fire pit one night, having a conversation when she told me I was the most “scrappy and resourceful” person she’d ever met. Admittedly, I wasn’t sure if this was a compliment or an insult but as the years have gone by, I realize, it’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Working with women and couples, the one thing I hear the most is that wives are exhausted from “doing it all”. The house, the errands, the meals, their job, etc, etc.

I hear jokes that constantly belittle men by complaining how they can’t find anything if their wife doesn’t find it for them. An example given by many is that they’re standing in front of the fridge asking “do we have any ketchup?”.

Raising kids and homeschooling, I hear the same things all day long “I can’t figure this out”, “how do I”, “help me”, “can you do this”. Over and over.

What do all three scenarios have in common? Resourcefulness.

Do you know the difference between enabling and helping?

Helping is doing something for someone that they can’t do for themselves- grabbing the box of cereal off the top shelf for the disabled person in a wheelchair at the grocery store, zipping the coat of a 1 year old. Enabling is doing something for someone when they can do it themselves- putting your 3 year old’s shoes on them, making breakfast for your 13 year old, paying off a debt for your mother-in-law or grown child because they’re too lazy to get a job and pay it themselves.

The brutally honest truth is that we’ve become the helicopter parents and the enabling spouses. We give way less credit to our children than they deserve and hold way more resentment for them when they’re enjoying the freedom we wish we had.

The truth is, the point of parenting is to teach them to be resourceful enough not to need us and emotionally stable enough not to fall apart while simultaneously accepting it when that time comes.

It’s having our daughter-in-law send us a text of appreciation when her husband looks in the pantry for an extra bottle of ketchup instead of asking if they have any while his head is in the fridge.

That point starts and the resentment of mothers and wives all over ends at the same intersection on the streets of Delegation Avenue and Responsibility Boulevard.

If you’re doing the same things over and over expecting a different result, congratulations. You’re literally living out the definition of insanity! Stop!

Give children chores! Set boundaries with your spouse by saying “I don’t have the time/energy/sanity/brainpower to do xyz.” Ask for help. The only reason women are “doing it all, all by themselves” is because they’re allowing it. They either arrogantly believe they’re the only ones who can do it “right”. Or they thrive on the stress and overload of cortisol while striving for perfection, knowing it will never come.

As a pilot wife, I hear “well we live in a city where we have no family. I have no help and my husband is always gone.” #metoo Guess what? Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Gym daycare, care.com, make friends with the other moms from your kid’s soccer/baseball team, meetup or peanut apps, church. I could go on for days.

Your husband and children can help out around the house. They live there. It takes the whole team to move the ball of life down the field. There are age appropriate chore charts and lists all over the www. Be resourceful and find one that works for your family! (See what I did there? ;))

Instead of rushing to help your kids out, let them struggle a little bit. Ask them questions like “how could you figure that out?” or “where would you find something like that?” Hide a toy under a blanket when your kids are toddlers and let them look for them. Cheer when they find it. Make your 18 month old help pick up toys. If they’re old enough to get them out on their own, they’re old enough to pick them up. Will it be perfect all the time? Absolutely not. However, they’ve got to start somewhere. Our kids can do so much more than we let them do.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll never be hungry again. The same concept applies to our kids.

I’ve witnessed 2 year olds cracking eggs and stirring muffin batter, 3 year olds putting their own shoes, coat and mittens on, 12 year olds mowing yards and taking out the trash of the elderly in the neighborhood for a little extra cash. Have you let your child try so you know they can’t do it or are you holding them back because of your own insecurities in letting them try?

On the flip side of that coin, what are you holding yourself back from trying that would propel you forward? Whose coat tails are you holding onto in hopes that they’ll enable you when you can do it yourself? What have you been putting off out of frustration or fear when all you really need is to break the big plan into smaller chunks? How can you figure it out on your own? What boundary or new habit can you set to create more space and sanity for you?

Creating resourcefulness in our children leads to more mature, resourceful adults who are consequently less entitled, more appreciative and less needy.

They’ll have better work ethic and a competitive advantage for being hired or figuring out how to run their own business.

How can you be more resourceful in your marriage? If what’s not working hasn’t been working for a hot minute, what do you need to change? What hard conversation needs to be had that you’ve been putting off out of fear or frustration? Is there a book, a podcast, or another resource you can intentionally utilize to change the trajectory of your life? Who can you go to for suggestions on resources they find useful?

Your children have the ability to do so much more than they think and so do you.

Your coach,
Kameran

Expectations

Does Your Marriage Need More Balance?

Where’s the Ketchup?