mental overload Archives

In session a few days ago, I had a life coach client clearly frustrated, burnt out and resentful of her husband. It’s not uncommon, especially in the pilot wife community. She wasn’t getting the help she needed when her husband was home. Working full time, juggling the mental load of running an entire household and taking care of multiple kids under the age of 10, wearing all the hats of being a solo parent. It’s a lot.

Childcare and household chores are the top arguments in marriages with children under the age of 12 in the house anyway, no matter what professions the parents have. Stay at home parents don’t feel they ever get a break and neither do parents who work outside the home.

So as my client was talking about how much her husband had stopped helping around the house, quit attempting to help with baths and bedtime routines, never cleaned up, basically grown lazy in his leadership of their family, I asked her two questions that stopped her in her tracks.

1. Do you clearly ask for what you need?
2. Do you let him?

The answer was no. It was also the answer to her entire problem.

Do you clearly ask for what you need? Or, you assume he “should just know”? This question works for both parties in a marriage but most often, I see wives making the assumption that their partner’s should be anticipating their needs and acting accordingly.

Spouses aren’t mind readers.

Expecting anyone to read your mind, anticipate your needs and move because you telepathically sent them the message isn’t going to work in your favor very well, unfortunately.

However, clearly asking for help, as hard as it is, is going to make your life a thousand times better! What do I mean by clearly? Well, we assume that by asking our partner to take out the trash, they know we mean now. That’s information in our head that doesn’t get communicated so our partner’s behavior can’t climb the ladder to meet our expectations. We left out a significant part of those expectations. The gap that was then created by that missed messaging was filled with shame, blame, resentment, arguing, anger, etc.

So instead of saying “Hey, can you adios this trash for me, please?” We add a bit more context to say “Hey, would you mind hauling this trash to the dumpster on your way out the door this morning? I would appreciate it so much.” See the difference? The second example has a time frame you’re looking for and appreciation. The first request leaves a lot of room for error in your partner assumes you are cool with them taking it out when they get around to it. Then you get mad, do it yourself because “apparently nobody gives a crap about your needs around here!” You stop asking for help, start assuming that to have your needs met, you have to meet them yourself and the massive elephant of resentment starts living rent free in your mind and marriage. More context, more appreciation.

Do you let him?

This is a whole tangent I’m going to talk about more in next week’s podcast. But essentially, it’s this. If you ask your 12 year old to fold the towels but he’s never done it before, his “best work” is probably going to look like your laundry has been run through a landfill and shoved in a closet. Not exactly what you had in mind. So you show him how you’d like it done.

The hard truth is, your husband isn’t your child.

Stop treating him like one.

Stop micromanaging him to death.

Stop criticizing his efforts.

Stop enabling him.

“But he doesn’t fold the towels right.” What is right? Do they fit in the linen closet neatly? Why is your way the “right” way?

I know, all you enneagram 1s, 6s and 8s are cringing right now at the mere thought of letting your partner screw up “your way”. It’s ok. I promise. Your ego will in fact survive. The lesson for you here is to let them have freedom. The lesson for them is to do it again if it’s not done well the first time. Walk away if it’s too excruciating to watch them do it in twice the time it would take you or in a way that’s different than your own.

There is gold in letting someone learn from an experience.

In fact, some people have that specifically written in their human design. They must learn a lesson by experiencing it on their own versus having someone enable them by doing what they could do, only in a different way.

You and your spouse are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other.

Let them screw up.
Let them do things in their own time and way.
Let them handle the consequences of their choices.
Support them, don’t enable them.
Learn to manage your own anxiety, over-criticism, and overly high expectations.
Work on cleaning up your side of the street.

You might find that nobody dies and nobody cares as much as you do about that thing.
You might find that your marriage is happier and more peaceful.
You might find that your partner starts helping more! They feel emotionally safer to help because you aren’t sounding like their mother.
You might even find that the man of your house starts leading because you’re willing to be lead.

Part of that balance is that the man’s natural masculine energy is fed so the woman’s feminine energy can soften.

Everything in marriage is a balance. Both people can’t show up in alpha masculine energy. It won’t work.
Both partners can’t show up anxious, lackadaisical, defensive, or aloof. There has to be balance.

If that balance is off kilter, look at what you’re bringing to the table.

Are you letting your partner be who they were fundamentally designed to be? Are you asking for what you need? What assumptions are you making that need to be questioned or communicated?

Make sure to check out the podcast next week for more on this. Also check it out this week as Julie Mennano from IG’s famous account @thesecurerelationship sit down to talk all about attachment styles! It’s an absolute MUST LISTEN to if you’re a parent, grandparent or in a relationship! You can find that episode anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts just by searching Recognizing Potential Podcast or listen here.

Until then, have a safe and fantastic Labor Day weekend!

Your coach,
Kameran

You haven’t showered in 4 days or eaten more than 1 meal in over a week because “there’s no time”. Too many decisions to be made have caused your brain to basically shut down to anything that isn’t dire to the present moment. The struggle to figure out everything and yet want to crawl back into bed and do nothing is a contant battle. Sound familiar?

Three out of my five clients are going through the exact same thing right now. So I thought well, if it’s plaguing them, it might be plaguing you too. So here we go.

There are five things that keep people from accomplishing their goals. The first is that there are no goals set in the first place. If you don’t have specific, measureable, attainable goals written out and put into place, you’re setting yourself up for massive overwhelm and failure.

Start with why. If you haven’t read the book by Simon Sinek that has this exact title, it’s a fabulous read and a great place to start! Why are you waking up in the morning? What are you trying to achieve? Set the goals. Write them down. Break them down into 3 year, 1 year, and 90 days, then even further into what you need to do daily and weekly to make them happen. If you need help with this, email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll do a 1 hour session with you and we’ll have you on your way with a specific action plan that works for you.

The next thing that keeps people from achieving greatness is not that they don’t have time, it’s that they don’t have time management.

When you wake up in the morning, do you know exactly what your day is going to look like? Do you know what time you’ll be eating your meals, showering, going to the gym, connecting with your spouse and intentionally building the life you want? If you questioned any of these or said no, there’s your reason for not having what you want. The hard truth is that you aren’t intentionally making time for it.

See, if you say yes to your job and build that into your day, yes to running your kids to and fro, yes to a grocery pickup, cooking meals and an episode or four of your favorite show but have no idea what connection question you’ll be asking your spouse, what time you’ll be engaging in alone time or what that will look like, you’ve chosen everything you’ve said yes to over your marriage and your goals. Saying yes to something means you’re saying no to or neglecting something else.

So how do you make time for the important things?

Scheduling.
I use this planner (not an ad, just a planner I really really love!). I time block. I also schedule according to my cycle. Ladies, if you are not doing this- let me tell you. GAME. CHANGER. This will straight up dominate your goals.
The fact of the matter is that if you’re not scheduling things- vacations, family outings, your gym time, self-care, etc. it’s not going to happen. Life (or the social media time suck) will ultimately get in the way and it just won’t be a priority.

Limit Your To-Do List.
Realistically, you can’t do it all. The maximum you can do is six big things a day and maybe not even that. If you’re going to bed at night with guilt that you didn’t get it all done, you’re trying to do too much. Who are you doing those things for? Who are you trying to impress? How is this weighing on your mental or emotional health and energy? Some things are going to need to go in the F*** it bucket. When you’re wondering how you do it all, the answer is, you don’t. You go back to your goals. What is most important to do daily or weekly to make your goals become a reality?

Ask for Help.
It may be the hardest thing you have to do but it’s also the most vital. Delegate housework to your kids. Developmentally, they are able to start helping do small tasks by age 2. Ask your partner to help with what you don’t have energy for. If they won’t, have the hard conversation around why and/or get help. It takes the whole family working as a team to keep the ship afloat. Hire a babysitter, housekeeper, or assistant if possible. If not, let a few more things go.

Set Boundaries.
No is a boundary in teh simplest form. If something is too much for you financially, energetically, mentally, physically or emotionally- just say no. This is your permission to stop people pleasing, stop doing the things you think you “should” for the sake of everyone else. When you take care of yourself and set boundaries, you’re respected more and have more energy for who and what matters most. You’ll also be doing things from a place of acceptance versus obligation so your heart will be all in instead of half in and half resentful. You’ll do a better, more complete job and the energy you provide while completing the task will be more positive for everyone, including yourself.

If this is a topic you’re struggling with and you need more help, I have a course that helps with this. It can be done self-study or with 1:1 coaching over 6 weeks. Take that first step of asking for help and email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’m opening my schedule for 5 clients who need this specific help for the next 6 weeks. Let me know if you’d like to be one of those 5.

Until then, happy scheduling! 🙂

Your coach,
Kameran

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