Be the Change

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

It’s been a hot minute since I got one of these out to you. To be honest, with moving and the world’s events, I needed a mental break from trying to help everyone else and I needed to help myself. If that’s you too, here’s your permission to take a much needed break to take care of you! It was tremendously helpful! 

During that time, I noticed a lot of patterns within couples I’m coaching, couples that are friends or acquaintences and even with my husband and I. It seems like everyone is at odds with their spouses these days. Interestingly enough, as a professional in this industry, when I look at a relationship quarreling, I see two people playing the blame game while looking in a mirror. 

One person, let’s say the wife, needs connection, touch and for her husband to show affection, desire, and interest in her. So she asks for it in a subtle way. That call for connection is missed by her husband so she feels rejected and protests, picking a fight, criticizing, getting angry and throwing a tantrum. Now in most cases, this happens after many attempts of connection but for time’s sake, roll with me here. 

Now, he withdraws or mirrors back the behavior she exhibits out of defensiveness or a need to keep the peace. All the while, inside, he needs connection, affection, to be wanted and needed as well.

Men don’t typically ask for their needs to be met because men are taught that if they show need or feelings, they’re weak. Women typically protest by literally fighting for the relationship. See how both behaviors are less than desirable but showing the same need? 

So what’s the answer to keep this from happening? 

What I realized when my husband and I were going through this a few weeks ago is that as the woman, I’m more in tune with our connection. I see it going off the rails much more quickly than my husband does. Additionally, I can’t control him or his actions/reactions. I can only control me. So I had to get extremely deep in my reflection of my own behavior. It’s human nature to think we’re doing better than we really are. So when I started looking at myself in the mirror and asking the question “Would you want to be married to you?” The answer wasn’t a resounding yes. In fact, there were many instances where I had been more critical than praising, wasn’t as appreciative as I could’ve been, and wasn’t always assertive in conversations. I had to own my own faults and responsibilities. After all, it does take two people to make the relationship work. I couldn’t blame him for everything and I had to ask to be loved in a more loving way. 

Secondly, I had to connect with my husband on a level that made him feel safe emotionally. That’s our job as spouses, to create a safe space for our partner to be who they are authentically, to be able to talk to us, open up and be vulnerable, without judgement or ridicule. I wasn’t doing a great job of that and neither was he, we were both to blame and that’s why the relationship was becoming disconnected. 

I literally had to be the change I wanted to see in our relationship. I controlled what I could control and continue to do so. I got real with who I want to be as my best self and started living into that. My clients started doing the same as well. 

The result? My husband started noticing the effort I was putting in, how I was changing and started changing his own behavior, becoming a better husband and being more appreciative of me. Both of us became the change we wanted to see. Our marriage, and each of us as individuals are better for it. Our boys are seeing how to come out of hardship in relationships as well. My clients started seeing the same results I was.

It’s important to note, this is a great jumping off point but becoming your best version isn’t a quick fix. This is a long term investment in yourself. It may take months but the quicker you start, the quicker you’ll start seeing some results in your marriage. You also have to do it for yourself, it can’t be change for your spouse or you’ll only build resentment later.

If you’re going through the storm now, drop the scorecard, stop playing the blame game and start looking inward. As always, reach out if you need help. 

Your Coach,

Kameran

Monthly Workshop- June 19 @ 7 PM CST

Do you feel like you and your partner go around and around in the same cycles of conflict? Want to know how to approach conflict as a team? Want to end the cycle? This workshop is your answer!

This workshop can be done as a couple or as an individual and is completely anonymous with the ability to chat directly with me during the workshop. 
Can’t make it that night? Sign up anyway and shoot me an email at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll send you a replay link on June 20! 
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP!

Are you preparing for an exceptional marriage? 

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

Sunday night I was talking with my husband who’s been away at training for the last few weeks to become a Captain and he was telling me they had a full day of scenario training. The trainer gives scenario after scenario and the pilots have to go through what they would do to not crash the plane. A full day of this. The conversation got me thinking.  

Marriage is no different. Scenario after scenario- some you see coming, some you don’t. Is this why 50% of first time marriages and 64% of second time marriages crash and burn? I think yes! 

Are you prepared for what you don’t see coming? 
 
How will you handle job loss? Infertility? A surprise baby? A child getting hurt or having an allergic reaction when your spouse is away on business? Plans not working out the way you’d dreamed up? Unmet expectations? Career changes? A parent getting sick or dying? God forbid, your spouse or child dying? 

Of course you don’t want to think about any of this. It’s definitely not fun but if you aren’t prepared, the anxiety, stress and overwhelm will eat you for lunch.  

Alan Lakein said “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” In this instance, he’s absolutely right. 

What if you didn’t get premarital coaching? Are you doomed? Absolutely not. 

Start preparing now, where you are.

Have the hard conversations. “Hey, do we have a will? Life insurance? We should probably get that.” Then, and this is the most important step- make the appointment to do so! 

What do the words success, cheating, being a good wife/husband/mom/dad, exceptional marriage, marriage in general, parental support, emotional support, and effort mean to you? Assuming you have the same definition of important words leads to disappointment, hurt, resentment and anger when it feels like your partner betrayed you but they feel like they did nothing wrong.

How do you feel loved, supported, admired, respected, wanted? Again, assuming you both feel the same way leads to nothing but negativity.

What will we do in the case of…?

Exceptional marriages are not found or by luck. They are built with intention, maturity, compromise and communication.

Stress is caused by lack of preparation. This applies to all stress in life, not just in your marriage. 

Prepare for the disasters so that if and when they happen, they seem like small bumps in the road instead of a catastrophe. 

As always, if you need help with this, check out the courses page on this website! I’ve got some great options and even a couple new ones! 😉

Your Coach,

Kameran