ForgivenessGrowth MindsetMarriageMindsetTrust

See No Evil, Feel No Evil?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

Last week, I talked about filtering your mouth. You can find that post here if you haven’t read it yet. 

However, there are three filters we have to engage in order to have a great marriage.  

The second filter is the filter on our eyes. Not to see everything perfectly or put a fake filter on to cover the imperfections but to see marriage for what it really is. 

God gives us a mate for a couple of reasons. The first is that it’s not good for man to be alone. He says that himself. The next reason is that our spouses complement us. My husband is great at seeing the analytical side of things while this is not my strong suit. Meanwhile, I am the visionary that sees creativity and potential where my husband doesn’t. How do you complement your spouse? How do they complement you? 

What we forget sometimes is that our partner is an extension of us. The decisions we make, words we say, success we have or don’t, where we go- it’s all a representation of our spouse. Are we acting, speaking, or moving in a way that’s respectful and shines a positive light on our marriage as a whole? Are we intentionally looking at our partner’s feelings and taking responsibility for triggering those feelings or giving empathy where it’s needed?

Additionally, can we see our partner’s weaknesses and help them to make them strengths? More importantly, are we allowing our partner to help us with our own weaknesses?

Are we seeing and accepting our spouse’s influence? 

The third filter that must be present is on our heart. The heart is where the spring of life flows from. The filter doesn’t go on our physical heart but rather on our emotions. 

I have seen too many relationships fail because one partner couldn’t forgive their spouse. The filter we put on our hearts helps us to remember the intentions of our spouse, who they are at their core, and forgive them when their moment of weakness gets the best of them. 

Pent up resentment is like a cancer that slowly eats away at a relationship. Not seeing things from the other’s perspective makes one intellectually arrogant, contemptuous, and entitled. Showing empathy and acceptance, loving our spouse for who they are instead of who we expect them to be, forgiving their imperfections and helping them to be a better version of themselves every day- this is the purpose of the three filters. 

Which filter do you need to activate more often? Which do you do well with? 
Your coach, 

Kameran 

DivorceExpectationsGrowth MindsetMindsetSelf-worth

Do you have the life you want?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 2

You say between 150-300 words a minute to yourself. How often do you stop to analyze that self-talk? Is it mostly positive or negative? Self-talk is personal and specific. 

We don’t get what we want in life. We get what we expect, unless what we want and what we expect are the same thing. Think about the people who always seem to have things going right for them. Have you ever had a conversation with those people? Most likely, their way of talking is more positive and a “life works for me” kind of attitude. Those who seem to have a black cloud hanging over their head? Well, their conversations probably exhibit that black cloud as well. 

Our thoughts become our words which become our actions which then become who we are. 

I’ll give you a personal example. When I was in high school and college, I had extremely low self-esteem. I didn’t believe I was beautiful, successful, driven, smart or anything positive. When I looked in the mirror, I saw (and told myself) I was fat, ugly, dumb and frumpy. I compared myself to my friends a lot. When I started dating a boy and stayed with him all through college. I knew he wasn’t the right guy and even had a few other offers but because of my self-talk, I didn’t believe they were actually serious offers. I didn’t believe I could get anyone better or have a better life than the path that I was on. So I married that guy and for 12 years, I was miserable. I continued to tell myself negative things about myself, my life, and my circumstances. Then, in 2012, the worst (and in some cases the best) year of my life- I started changing the script in my head. I deserved better. I could do better for myself and my child. I was a good mom. I was good wife material. I started reading self-development books and listening to different music. Little by little, I started changing myself into a more positive, more capable, better version of myself. 

I got divorced, got a better job, moved to a different state where I knew only one other person, made friends- GOOD FRIENDS, and started expecting happiness and prosperity. Can you guess what happened? That’s exactly what I got. 

I created a better life for myself! I met my dream guy, got married again, quit the job I knew I wasn’t right for anymore and started doing what I LOVE. I am still a good mom to now two kids instead of only one. I have the life I was always jealous of others having, because I created it. I expected it and I told myself I was worthy of having it! 

My marriage now is so much better than my first and even better than this marriage was at the beginning! My self-talk still wasn’t fantastic when Moe and I got married. Better, but not great. I realized that to have a better marriage, I had to have a better me. 

That starts with the thoughts that I tell myself each day. I don’t say things like “I’m a hot mess. I’m dumb, fat, etc.” anymore. I say things like “I did a really good job on that post. I tried my best and my best is good enough. I didn’t get everything I wanted to get done today but what I did was what I was supposed to do. The energy I had today was the energy I was supposed to have.” I don’t shame myself for setting off the smoke detectors making dinner because I was trying to overly-multi-task. I say things like “eh. It happens. I’ll do better next time.” 

If your self-talk is dragging you down and creating a cesspool of negativity in your marriage, I would encourage you to check out my program that I open once a quarter- Better Me, Better Us. This program is for people who are ready to better themselves in order to better their marriage. It’s for people who want a better relationship but their partner isn’t on board with therapy, coaching or self-development. If you’re ready, there’s a lot you can do on your own. Doors are officially open exclusively for people reading this right now with an early bird pricing until November 20th as an “I’m grateful for you” token of appreciation! 

Cheers to a better, happier YOU!

Kameran