I don’t feel wanted.

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

I don’t know about you but I have felt this way many times in my marriage. I hear it a lot in sessions while coaching couples and often, I don’t think it’s completely understood. We know we don’t feel wanted, but why? What’s happening under the surface? Is there something going on with our partner as well? Let’s dive in. 
 

It’s a two part scenario.

 

Partner 1: 

” I don’t feel wanted.”Internally, this partner feels shame, embarrassment, like something is wrong with them. They don’t feel important. 
Externally, gender issues come into play so if it’s the woman that’s feeling this way, she starts thinking “He’s a man! He’s supposed to want sex all the time, isn’t he?” She starts thinking she isn’t good enough in bed, isn’t pretty enough, sexy enough, a good enough wife. If it’s a man that isn’t wanted, it becomes “I’m not a good enough husband. I’m supposed to be able to fix this. Why doesn’t she just tell me the problem? Am I not performing well enough in bed?” Both partners of either gender might even start thinking that there is someone else, assuming, and even going so far as to accuse their spouse of an affair. 

Partner 2: 

Internally, “my partner just told me they don’t feel wanted. Do they not understand that I’ve been under so much stress lately? I’m overworked! I work all day and come home expecting to work some more!” It’s not that they don’t want you. It’s that they are overwhelmed and have a low libido because of external or possibly internal factors (hormones, diet, sleep factors, etc) 

What can we do about it? 
 

Have a conversation and take a deep look at your part in this scenario. If this is about how your sex life is going (or isn’t), look at your own performance. Many women enter into sex thinking that they have to say yes because societally we’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s our “womanly/wifely duty” but if we are agreeing just to agree without really being into it, watching the clock, the ceiling, thinking about how many loads of laundry we have, the kids will be home from school any minute, etc. that isn’t building connection.

As the man, agreeing or initiating without being emotionally connected, you’re not doing your wife any favors. At the same time, if you’re too focused on your performance and how it has to be perfect because that’s what you’ve been societally conditioned for, you’re not doing yourself any favors. That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself! 

Connection has to be the core focus of sex for it to feel fulfilling. If a woman doesn’t feel wanted and desired during, afterwards she will feel “slutty”, used, shameful. If a man doesn’t feel like she’s engaged, it feels shameful, like he’s not performing well enough, self-conscious. The big question here is: How are you showing up to the act?

Second question, how do you feel about yourself?  If you’re feeling down, have low self-esteem, like that 5 extra pounds you gained at Christmas is definitely showing and you’ve started wearing leggings and your hair hasn’t been washed in more than 5 days or you’ve sat around in your holey underwear, haven’t showered or cut your toenails in 3 weeks well…are you attracted to yourself? Confidence is sexy! What do you need to do to create a reality where you feel sexy again? 

Back to that conversation- this is kind of like a love languages thing. How does your partner feel wanted? It probably looks different than your way of feeling wanted. Speak their language. 

Additionally, why don’t you want your partner right now? Are you stressed? Do you feel like your emotional connection is missing? Is there a lot of conflict in your relationship right now? How’s your sex drive as a whole right now? For the partner who isn’t feeling wanted- LISTEN more than you talk right now. See this from your partner’s point of view. 

Sidenote here, it’s super common in sessions for me to hear “I’m always the one who initiates!” Sometimes the person initiating more frequently also feels like they’re getting shot down so they stop initiating. This leads to the other partner not feeling wanted. Drop the initiation scorecard! At the same time, if you don’t initiate, START! It’s not one person’s responsibility to initiate all the time. A key mantra to adopt is “I won’t shame you for saying no if you don’t shame me for asking.”  Tom and Lisa Bilyeu shared that a few years ago and it’s been a game changer in my own marriage! 

Bottom line: YOU MISS EACH OTHER! 

How can you come together to feel more connected? 

Need help? This is where I thrive as a coach!! Reach out! 
 
Your Coach,

Kameran


This week on the podcast- I interview Dr. Joli Hamilton- mother of 7, relationship coach and expert on jealousy! We talk about jealousy, communication styles, relationship entanglements (with people and feelings) and so much more! You are sure to get tools, conversation starters and so much more in this episode! Find the podcast anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. It’s called Recognizing Potential Podcast. You can also click the orange wifi lookin button below to listen! 

Do you have the life you want?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 2

You say between 150-300 words a minute to yourself. How often do you stop to analyze that self-talk? Is it mostly positive or negative? Self-talk is personal and specific. 

We don’t get what we want in life. We get what we expect, unless what we want and what we expect are the same thing. Think about the people who always seem to have things going right for them. Have you ever had a conversation with those people? Most likely, their way of talking is more positive and a “life works for me” kind of attitude. Those who seem to have a black cloud hanging over their head? Well, their conversations probably exhibit that black cloud as well. 

Our thoughts become our words which become our actions which then become who we are. 

I’ll give you a personal example. When I was in high school and college, I had extremely low self-esteem. I didn’t believe I was beautiful, successful, driven, smart or anything positive. When I looked in the mirror, I saw (and told myself) I was fat, ugly, dumb and frumpy. I compared myself to my friends a lot. When I started dating a boy and stayed with him all through college. I knew he wasn’t the right guy and even had a few other offers but because of my self-talk, I didn’t believe they were actually serious offers. I didn’t believe I could get anyone better or have a better life than the path that I was on. So I married that guy and for 12 years, I was miserable. I continued to tell myself negative things about myself, my life, and my circumstances. Then, in 2012, the worst (and in some cases the best) year of my life- I started changing the script in my head. I deserved better. I could do better for myself and my child. I was a good mom. I was good wife material. I started reading self-development books and listening to different music. Little by little, I started changing myself into a more positive, more capable, better version of myself. 

I got divorced, got a better job, moved to a different state where I knew only one other person, made friends- GOOD FRIENDS, and started expecting happiness and prosperity. Can you guess what happened? That’s exactly what I got. 

I created a better life for myself! I met my dream guy, got married again, quit the job I knew I wasn’t right for anymore and started doing what I LOVE. I am still a good mom to now two kids instead of only one. I have the life I was always jealous of others having, because I created it. I expected it and I told myself I was worthy of having it! 

My marriage now is so much better than my first and even better than this marriage was at the beginning! My self-talk still wasn’t fantastic when Moe and I got married. Better, but not great. I realized that to have a better marriage, I had to have a better me. 

That starts with the thoughts that I tell myself each day. I don’t say things like “I’m a hot mess. I’m dumb, fat, etc.” anymore. I say things like “I did a really good job on that post. I tried my best and my best is good enough. I didn’t get everything I wanted to get done today but what I did was what I was supposed to do. The energy I had today was the energy I was supposed to have.” I don’t shame myself for setting off the smoke detectors making dinner because I was trying to overly-multi-task. I say things like “eh. It happens. I’ll do better next time.” 

If your self-talk is dragging you down and creating a cesspool of negativity in your marriage, I would encourage you to check out my program that I open once a quarter- Better Me, Better Us. This program is for people who are ready to better themselves in order to better their marriage. It’s for people who want a better relationship but their partner isn’t on board with therapy, coaching or self-development. If you’re ready, there’s a lot you can do on your own. Doors are officially open exclusively for people reading this right now with an early bird pricing until November 20th as an “I’m grateful for you” token of appreciation! 

Cheers to a better, happier YOU!

Kameran