Be the Change

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

It’s been a hot minute since I got one of these out to you. To be honest, with moving and the world’s events, I needed a mental break from trying to help everyone else and I needed to help myself. If that’s you too, here’s your permission to take a much needed break to take care of you! It was tremendously helpful! 

During that time, I noticed a lot of patterns within couples I’m coaching, couples that are friends or acquaintences and even with my husband and I. It seems like everyone is at odds with their spouses these days. Interestingly enough, as a professional in this industry, when I look at a relationship quarreling, I see two people playing the blame game while looking in a mirror. 

One person, let’s say the wife, needs connection, touch and for her husband to show affection, desire, and interest in her. So she asks for it in a subtle way. That call for connection is missed by her husband so she feels rejected and protests, picking a fight, criticizing, getting angry and throwing a tantrum. Now in most cases, this happens after many attempts of connection but for time’s sake, roll with me here. 

Now, he withdraws or mirrors back the behavior she exhibits out of defensiveness or a need to keep the peace. All the while, inside, he needs connection, affection, to be wanted and needed as well.

Men don’t typically ask for their needs to be met because men are taught that if they show need or feelings, they’re weak. Women typically protest by literally fighting for the relationship. See how both behaviors are less than desirable but showing the same need? 

So what’s the answer to keep this from happening? 

What I realized when my husband and I were going through this a few weeks ago is that as the woman, I’m more in tune with our connection. I see it going off the rails much more quickly than my husband does. Additionally, I can’t control him or his actions/reactions. I can only control me. So I had to get extremely deep in my reflection of my own behavior. It’s human nature to think we’re doing better than we really are. So when I started looking at myself in the mirror and asking the question “Would you want to be married to you?” The answer wasn’t a resounding yes. In fact, there were many instances where I had been more critical than praising, wasn’t as appreciative as I could’ve been, and wasn’t always assertive in conversations. I had to own my own faults and responsibilities. After all, it does take two people to make the relationship work. I couldn’t blame him for everything and I had to ask to be loved in a more loving way. 

Secondly, I had to connect with my husband on a level that made him feel safe emotionally. That’s our job as spouses, to create a safe space for our partner to be who they are authentically, to be able to talk to us, open up and be vulnerable, without judgement or ridicule. I wasn’t doing a great job of that and neither was he, we were both to blame and that’s why the relationship was becoming disconnected. 

I literally had to be the change I wanted to see in our relationship. I controlled what I could control and continue to do so. I got real with who I want to be as my best self and started living into that. My clients started doing the same as well. 

The result? My husband started noticing the effort I was putting in, how I was changing and started changing his own behavior, becoming a better husband and being more appreciative of me. Both of us became the change we wanted to see. Our marriage, and each of us as individuals are better for it. Our boys are seeing how to come out of hardship in relationships as well. My clients started seeing the same results I was.

It’s important to note, this is a great jumping off point but becoming your best version isn’t a quick fix. This is a long term investment in yourself. It may take months but the quicker you start, the quicker you’ll start seeing some results in your marriage. You also have to do it for yourself, it can’t be change for your spouse or you’ll only build resentment later.

If you’re going through the storm now, drop the scorecard, stop playing the blame game and start looking inward. As always, reach out if you need help. 

Your Coach,

Kameran

Monthly Workshop- June 19 @ 7 PM CST

Do you feel like you and your partner go around and around in the same cycles of conflict? Want to know how to approach conflict as a team? Want to end the cycle? This workshop is your answer!

This workshop can be done as a couple or as an individual and is completely anonymous with the ability to chat directly with me during the workshop. 
Can’t make it that night? Sign up anyway and shoot me an email at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll send you a replay link on June 20! 
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP!

Want to be 86% happier in your marriage?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0
Ever see a couple that’s obviously in love and been together a while and wonder “what’s the secret to being so happy and in love”? 

The answer may be in how well they answer each other’s call to connection. Throughout each day, we bid for our partner’s connection in one way or another. It can be subtle or obvious, spoken or not but either way, the call is there. 

Whether or not that call is answered makes all the difference in whether we feel fulfilled or depleted at the end of the day. 

Calls for connection can look like: 
reaching for your partner’s hand to hold
asking for help in the kitchen after dinner
sighing because of a heavy heart, stress or exhaustion
saying something like “hey, check this out” 
asking your partner a question
making a nonchalant statement of all you have to do/get done or something you wish you could do instead
In instances like these, our partner has three choices. 1) To turn towards us by answering the call 2) To turn away from us by missing the call or 3) To turn against us by rejecting the call by being rude, picking a fight or making a remark that is belligerent or argumentative. 

Here’s where the research gets interesting! Happy couples answer the call and turn towards each other TWENTY times more than those who are stressed out or unhappy, provided this is in a neutral, non-confrontational circumstance. Additionally, in the study done by Dr. John Gottman in his marriage lab at Washington University, couples who had gotten married and stayed married 6 years after answered their partner’s call 86% of the time while in the lab. Couples who were divorced shortly after getting married only answered the call 33% of the time. 

What’s this tell us? Simply put that every time you bid for your partner’s connection and they turn towards you, the message is sent that you are: 
wanted
loved
interesting to your partner
heard
understood
a team
accepted for who you are (even if your behavior isn’t always desired)
WOW! Isn’t the the whole point of marriage in the first place? You marry someone to love, cherish, desire, want, help, find interesting, hear, understand and be a team with? 

Yet somehow, missing or rejecting those calls happens more and more frequently if we aren’t careful, intentional and mindful of our partner over the years. This causes the rejected partner to criticize more, build more anger and resentment toward their partner and feel ignored. Their emotional bank account is depleted so when small things happen, usually a fight ensues. 

When you are actively tuned into the small things with your partner, big deposits are made into your emotional bank accounts. Drops are put into that bucket of trust. So when something happens, a larger life event that would normally overdraft that bank account or dump that bucket out, it’s not as big of a loss. It doesn’t break your marriage but rather allows your partner to show more empathy, compassion, and understanding.

These small habits create a feeling that you’re in control and actively making a difference in your marriage. 

Practice answering the call by actively listening to your partner, asking open ended questions, responding with reflection and interest. 

Also, check out my new monthly subscription! 40 open ended questions/conversation starters to help you and your partner build better communication, deepen the connection in your marriage, and have conversations that are more than just “how was your day, the kids are fine, here’s what’s for dinner”. There are also two previously recorded coaching videos included on the 1st and 15th as part of the subscription! If you’re ready to strengthen your marriage, get to know your spouse again and feel like a united team again, Connected is your answer!
 
Your Coach,

Kameran

P.S- Did you catch this week’s episode of the podcast? I interviewed LCMFT Holly Smith! She is such a wealth of information! We talked all about attachment styles and how they play out in childhood and shape our relationships! We talk about how to use those attachment styles to become healthier individuals in marriage and how to understand our partners more. It’s truly a fantastic episode! Search for Recognizing Potential Podcast anywhere you get your favorite podcasts.