The transition from me being a life coach to a purpose coach to a relationship coach was weird to a lot of people. To me, I saw a bigger need and an even bigger impact I could make with my past experience of divorce, remarriage, blending a family, immigration, cultural differences and an interracial marriage.
See, when relationships aren’t stable at home, every other part of people’s lives are in disarray. Children can’t focus in school and do significantly worse in retaining information. We aren’t as productive at our jobs. Even our social lives are in an upheaval. To me, by helping people with their marriages, I’m also helping people to sort their whole lives out, smooth things over, become more successful and more productive. Who wouldn’t want that?
What makes some marriages successful while others end in divorce?
In short, how well your filter works. That’s right, your filter.
Successful marriages have a filter over their mouths, their eyes and their hearts.
Filter your mouth.
Our tongue has the power to build others up or tear them down. How are you using yours? If you have a strong filter on your mouth, you’re more likely to speak to your spouse in a way that builds them up, creates a strong friendship and treats them with respect and love. We will speak words of wisdom and gentle truth.
This means that when your wife comes in and says “does this dress make me look fat” and you know she’s gained a little weight, instead of saying “Yeah, it looks terrible. Your butt looks like a buick”, you will instead say something like “you’re beautiful no matter what! But, it’s not as flattering on you as this other option.” The second statement just hits a little differently than the first.
Instead of telling your husband he’s being a complete jackwagon, try saying something like “hey, your energy is a little off today and I feel like you are stressed. How can I help?”.
There’s a scene in an episode of Yellowstone (premiere is on Sunday y’all!) where Kayce tells Monica that he thinks he’s a bad man and he says “I don’t tell you things I do because I don’t want you to think I’m a bad man. Cause I think I’m a bad man but if you think it, then it’s true.” We know we are old, fatter than we used to be, have more wrinkles, etc. But if our spouse points it out, it makes it true and we feel less. Less beautiful, intelligent, worthy. Don’t put your spouse in that position.
Build them up. Be gentle with your words. Don’t do damage that might take years to repair. Remember that words have the power of life and death.
Next week, in an effort to keep these less in length than the previous novels I’ve written, I’ll talk about the other two filters.
For now, try a little growth work at home. Reflect on the words you’re saying to your spouse. What kind of words are you using? What do those words generate in their hearts? How can you soften your approach to have a bigger impact?