The Power of “And”

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When you stand on the beach and look out at the ocean during high tide, especially as a storm rolls in, the waves are high. The crashing against the shore is soothing, beautiful and at the same time fierce and dangerous. 

The power of “and” is intense and often replaced with or. 

So often we get caught up in needing to be one thing, we forget that it’s ok for us to utilize the “and” in us as well. 

Society has these unrealistic expectations that we’re all supposed to adhere to and live beyond. Honestly, just thinking about it is exhausting and I call bull. Bull on the whole thing. 

We need to stop masking the truth and start normalizing reality. Living for what life realistically is. Not that you need it but here’s your permission to do just that. 

Be madly in love with your husband and still want to put super glue on the toilet seat if he leaves it up one more time. He probably has things that irritate him about you and still loves you with everything he has too.

Love your children fiercely, be supremely grateful for them and the opportunity to raise them and still want to lock yourself in the closet with nothing more than a bag of chocolate, a bottle of wine and your tears of frustration from the day, week, or season of life right now. You’re not alone.

Have wonderful intentions to clean the whole house and get none of it done because your children needed you more. This season won’t last forever.

It’s ok to have crazy wild dreams and work a job that’s mediocre as you fulfill them. You have bills to pay.

It’s completely “normal” to feel defeated in your business and passionate for your mission at the same time. Entrepreneur life isn’t for the faint of heart. 

Unpopular opinion but no less of a fact- It’s ok to disagree with people and still be kind to them. Period.

Set boundaries with people and still love them from afar. If they throw a fit about the boundary, that’s just proof it needed to be set in the first place.

It’s ok. Believing that you have to be one thing without the other is unrealistic. You can be both. The shame that’s cast upon you for that isn’t a sign there’s something wrong with you. It’s a sign there’s something wrong with societal norms. It’s a sign the person who’s shaming you for being both probably hasn’t come to grips with their own reality. 

Their projected pain and expectations are not yours to receive. 

Grace, acceptance and understanding that what you’re feeling when you feel both is completely normal- that’s yours to receive. 

Your coach, 

Kameran 

What Do Your Habits Say About Your Marriage?

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Think back to January 1, 2021. Did you make the New Years Resolution to have a better marriage? Now you’re almost through October and as you look back, not much has changed? 

It’s not too late! You still have 71 days left in the year! That’s a lot of time to make a BIG difference! 

When you look at the big changes over time, they never happened with one big event anyway. It started with a few small habits, a few tweaks and changes here and there and after time, voila! HUGE CHANGE! 

Start with things you’re already doing.

You already pack your spouse’s lunch- include a note of appreciation. When you watch TV together at night- hold their hand or share a blanket.  Eating dinner is a given- help them clean up afterward. When you wake up in the morning, make a point to say good morning before reaching for your phone. Put your phone background as a picture of the two of you together so when you reach for your phone 86 times a day like every other average American (yes, that is a real statistic), you’ll see their face and remember to send a nice text, communicate the time you’re coming home or just feel some sense of appreciation for being their partner in life. 

Habits are often thought to be a verb- something you do. They’re not. The word habit is actually a noun which means it has to be created. It needs to be attached to something you’re already doing so it’s easier to do and not forget. It’s also something that if done consistently, over time makes a big impact! 

Habits are the reason for a relationship’s downfall and for a relationship being strong! When you have poor habits that prioritize your kids, your job, the television, social media, etc. You aren’t prioritizing your marriage. So the marriage breaks down. What you put intentional effort into is what will become stronger over time. Just like muscle groups. When you work it out intentional effort, it gets stronger. 

What habits will you be implementing? I’d love to know! Comment below!

 Your coach, 

Kameran 

Are you the intruder in your marriage?

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You know in a traditional wedding ceremony where the officiant repeats the bible verse Mark 10:9 “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.

I have always loved that part, thinking that it was a way to keep people from coming between the bride and the groom. 

What if that verse isn’t just meant to keep other people out of our marriage though? What if we are the ones separating our own union? 

For example, do you ever feel like your spouse spends more time on their phone than they do in conversation or connection with you? When you wake up in the morning, do you scroll social media before you even say good morning to your love? 

I recently heard Kevin Hart say that his world was rocked and he had to reprioritize his life when he was told that he was “married to his job and dating his family”. Is work coming between you and your spouse? 

Growing up, I had a friend that lived across the street and her mom and dad always put each other before the kids. Even at 7 and 8 years old, I noticed and admired that. The concept of putting your spouse’s needs before the kids is commendable and rare. Of course, there are exceptions like if you have an infant that needs fed or whatnot. For the most part though, do the kids come first or second on your priority list? 

One of the reasons I divorced my first husband was that he could never set the boundary with his mother when she called and asked for money or didn’t respect the boundary I had set. Are in-laws intruding in your marriage? 

Here are some other possible “intruders”: 

  • outside hobbies and interests (hunting season anyone?) 
  • TV 
  • Friends
  • Addictions
  • Affairs
  • Church functions 

What you invest the majority of your time in directly correlates to what you value most. If you put more time into your phone than you do connection with your spouse, your value is not on your marriage but on the highlight reel of other’s lives. 

Reflecting on those values and the time put into your marriage, if you find yourself saying “Well, life just happened”, chances are that the bond you have with your spouse is fragile. 

So how do you get out of the habit of valuing the wrong things?

Understand that your marriage is only as strong as the value you put on it. If you want a Target brand marriage, make a couple tweaks but mostly keep doing what you’re doing. If you want a Louis Vuitton marriage, you’re going to have to pay a higher price. 

Meaning, you’re going to have to lay out a plan. That might mean no phones in the bedroom, no screens after 9 PM, setting boundaries with family, friends, work, etc. Getting help with addictions and affairs or your marriage as a whole. Cutting out what is lower on your list of values and starting new habits that give meaning and priority to what’s most important to you and your goals.

Take another part of the marriage ceremony, the “forsaking all others” into consideration. Forsake what is coming between the connection you and your spouse have. 

As always, if you need help with this or feel that you and your spouse aren’t aligning on what you value, email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com and let’s do a pop-up session together to help you get on the same page! 

Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach, 

Kameran 

P.S.- have you signed up for the  Good to Great! The 31 day marriage challenge yet? It isn’t your typical “send a cute text” challenge. This is a deep dive into continuous issues, healing and building of a union. Every day you’ll get a short audio lesson, a devotional and some connection challenges do complete emailed directly to you at 5 AM. You’ll spend every day in October in the word, creating a better you and a better marriage. $31 for 31 days! 

Hey! You need a sandwich!

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As I was working with a client a few days ago, he was talking about how he sees the patterns in his life and he sees the things he’s doing wrong but he feels he falls short in the application process. I commended him on recognizing this as it’s a commonality amongst most of the world right now. Yet, only few are able to pinpoint the patterns in the first place and even less are able to apply the discipline needed to change.

Application, it’s comes with responsibility, intention and thought. In order to apply what you’ve learned, you have to first be mindful of your thoughts, actions and self. 

Let’s say you’re sitting on the couch, watching Outer Banks on Netflix, because honestly if you’re not, what are you actually doing with your life? All of a sudden, you realize you’re hungry. Do you sit there and stay hungry? Of course not! You’ll get up and go to the kitchen to apply the steps you’ve learned in how to make yourself something to eat. Changing your physical state of getting off the couch and going to the kitchen is the first step in changing your mood, your health and your well-being. 

It’s no different in life. Reflecting on what’s working and what’s not is a key lesson I teach in all of my courses. The importance of reflection is paramount in creating the life you desire and making sure it’s in tandem with what God has called you to do. What’s not working is equivalent to being hungry. Changing your state, changing the habits or the process to what isn’t working so that it does work better for you is the same as getting off the couch. Now here’s the tricky part. People usually get lost on their way to the kitchen. 

People have the tools to change their lives. They know to drink more water, eat healthier, get more sleep, set boundaries, etc`. They know that their marriage isn’t working and that they keep having the same arguments over and over. They know that the job they get up for and reluctantly travel to every single day doesn’t fulfill them and they might even know what does. But something gets in the way of the application to change their state or as stated in the example, to make the food that will satisfy their hunger. 

This week, I challenge you to look at where you’re lacking application and to finish the process of changing your state. 

Is fear holding you back? The feeling of fear is real but is your fear a made up scenario or a probable reality? Is laziness or lack of motivation holding you back? Is it lack of discipline? Lack of resources? Are you saying yes to too many things so your plate is too full and you’re overwhelmed? Has this lead to you putting yourself last and you simply need a shift in priorities? What is the setback? How can you change that to be a setup for success?

How are you going to change your state this week? By changing your state, how will that impact the rest of your life for the better?

Need some accountability? Reply to this email and let me know what you’re going to change and how it will impact your life! I’ll send you a message later in the week to check on you. Not sure where you went wrong? Reply anyway and let’s get you booked for a pop-up coaching call so we can get you on the right track! 

I believe in you! I believe that these next 3 1/2 months can be super powerful if you’re intentional about making them so! 

4 Ways to Fix Your Marriage By Yourself

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We were about a year and a half into our marriage. He’s playing video games and I’m winning an academy award for best actress in a drama series entitled “I Never Get Any Help Around Here”. At one point he told me to shut the f*#k up and like a fighting bull, I just saw red. I had a Sprite can in my left hand. It’s important to note here that I am not an athlete and I am not left handed. I’d maybe taken 2 sips out of that can when he said those magic words and I threw it. Non-dominant hand, non-athlete, perfect precision. It hit him in the side of the head, sticky sprite went everywhere and in a half a milli-second, I realized what I’d done.

Fast forward to when Moe and I married 9 years after the Sprite can incident, I was proud of myself for having done a lot of inner work in my singlehood. However, I still had a lot more to do. We still had a lot of work to do as a couple as well. But in traditional Arab culture, men going to therapy, getting mental health in general or talking about feelings? You have a better chance of being struck by lightning. However, I could see that even though things weren’t as bad as my first marriage, they weren’t fantastic either.

Keep in mind this is wayyyyyyy before I became a coach but I point it out because I always keep it real and raw with you all and because these are things you can do to fix your own marriage without being/having a coach or having the participation of your spouse.

1. Commitment
You have to be all in. I’m talking betting a million on black and not waivering for a second. You may be doing the hard work and wading through piles of elephant dung for months before you see results so if you’re thinking you’re going to see results in a couple weeks and everything is going to be hunky dory, sorry friend. I’m about to burst your bubble. How long it takes varies with every couple. Commit to why you’re starting this journey. Write it down in multiple places and look at it multiple times a day. It’s the only thing that’s going to keep you going when things get hard, and they will! 

I will also note that this can’t be a “well they’re not working on the marriage so I shouldn’t have to either.” That’s not going to work. It’s selfish and immature. You’re right, it’s not fair. But I’m pretty sure that nowhere in the Bible or any marriage book ever written does it say marriage is always fair. It’s not. Marriage is a commitment, not a convenience.

2. Control
You can’t control your spouse. You can’t make them love you more, help you more, listen more or communicate better. You can’t control how or if they respond in an argument or conversation. You can only control you. Is it hard to control your anger when your spouse is yelling and you want to lash out too? A billion times YES! But it can and must be done. In order for things to change, things have to change. Control YOU. Control your tone, body language, communication, responses, texts, all of it. Control what goes into your brain. If you’re hanging out with people who subscribe to the spouse bashing culture, watching shows about cheating and disrespect, etc. That’s what you’re going to exhibit. Read books on marriage. Change your social media followings to be more marriage focused and less negative. 

3. College Study Habits
You have to become a student of your spouse and of yourself. Study like your entire degree depends on the test coming up. What are your and your spouse’s love languages, apology languages? How did they grow up? What’s the dynamic they learned? What are some of the mindsets they learned and why do they think, act, talk, walk and work the way they do? Are they sensitive? Are they cold hearted? What are their triggers? How can you answer all of these questions about yourself? When you know this, apply it! This is the step that everyone seems to miss. They have the answers but application seems to get lost in translation.

4. Forgiveness
I leave this one last because in all honesty, it’s probably the hardest and the most important. For your marriage to move forward, you have to forgive yourself and your spouse. That doesn’t mean you forget the trauma, the fighting, the triggers but you do forgive them for they know not what they do. Sincerely, marriage doesn’t come with a user’s manual. Everything we know comes from what we’ve learned in past relationships and relationships we’ve seen by those we grew up around. Hurt people hurt people. If you know in your heart of hearts that your spouse loves you deeply, they probably don’t want to hurt you intentionally. But, they’re hurt and wanting to defend that hurt. Forgive them and yourself for the same reasons. That means you cannot bring up past hurts. You must let it go. If you need to talk it through first, do so but after that and forgiveness has been offered, that’s it. It’s in a vault and cannot be brought up again. If you are triggered in the future, address the pattern and the current behavior. Do not say things like “You always do this.” True forgiveness is going to be the key to having peace and less resentment.

If you resonated with this and want more, consider joining Better Me, Better Us. We cover all of this as well as codependency, steps to getting rid of insecurities, becoming your highest self, and you have full voxer access to me every week day. Think of it as constant coaching for 6 weeks and 6 live coaching sessions. 6 month payment plans are available if needed as well. The group is open now for 10 phenomenal people. Doors close Sept 3. We start Sept 6. 

Cheers to your marriage!

Are you qualified?

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When you were little and people would ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?” you answered with whatever your dream career was at the time with such pride and confidence. There wasn’t a question or concern that it wouldn’t happen. The next week that career dream would change but the level of confidence and pride that you answered with certainly didn’t. 

We are all that way and yet somewhere along the way, fear set in. Someone, maybe society, maybe a person we know and love told us we couldn’t. We couldn’t live into that dream because of one reason or another and our faith in ourself began to fade. The belief that we truly could be anything melted into becoming an adult and taking care of responsibilities. 

Did you choose your career or was your career chosen for you based on a set of circumstances? Or maybe based on someone telling you that you needed to “just pick something and get out of college”?  If you had it all to do over, would you choose something else? What would it be? 

Did that doubt creep back in? “Oh but I couldn’t ever actually do that. I’m too old/young/fat/skinny/out of the loop/busy to start over…the list of excuses is endless. 

Now I’m here to tell you this. In the Younique program we talk a lot about taking the risk to go. Moving, taking the step that God is calling you toward and borrowing His faith in you the way that a toddler borrows their own parent’s faith when they’re learning to walk. They aren’t sure that they can take those steps and be successful at walking but their parents know and that’s good enough for that sweet baby. We also talk a lot about the fact that God bestows a certain recipe of gifts, talents and abilities within each of us. Every single person’s mix is different than anyone else’s and that’s what makes us unique. It’s also what makes us so dang good at what we are called for. Qualified. These are our qualifications. It’s not the job of society or our family or friends to tell us what we can’t do. It’s not the job of our subconscious to interrupt and tell us that we can’t or won’t be successful at whatever the feeling of greatness is calling us to do. It’s our job to borrow the belief in ourselves from God, take the risk and move. 

God doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called. By answering that call and accepting the growth and gifts He is giving you, you’re able to step into your calling with purpose, confidence and pride just the way you answered when you were little. You can do what you’re called to do because you’re the only one with the magic mix that you have! After a while you won’t have to borrow that belief anymore. You’ll have your own belief in yourself that this is where you belong and what you’re meant to do. 

I had no idea what a life coach was when I first completed the Younique course and at the time, nobody on this earth needed a life coach more than my hot mess express self. But here I am 3 years later, the best version of myself I’ve ever been with the happiest, healthiest marriage I never thought I’d have and while I don’t even pretend to have it all together, I am supremely satisfied with my growth and the life I’ve built intentionally  and my calling to help others do the same. 

If you’re wanting that too, click here and let’s make that happen. Maybe God’s waiting for you to jump so he can start qualifying you too! 

XOXO, 

Kameran 

The #1 Complaint of Women

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I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT IT!

Last night we went to the grocery store. I’d already spent the last two hours planning meals for the week, making the grocery list and praying that the grocery stores had stocked what I needed for this week. That winter storm straight up took Houston OUT! Remember the toilet paper shortage in 2020? Yeah, that’s coffee creamer right now. You cannot find good coffee creamer An-y-where! #FirstWorldProblems

Before leaving, I’d grabbed a bottle, made sure the diaper bag was stocked, grabbed a Yeti of Hot water to heat the bottle and could’ve bet my life on the fact that I grabbed the diaper bag too. Two hours later when I needed said bottle, I had the hot water and a fussy baby but….no diaper bag or bottle. I was so irritated that I couldn’t find it! After going all the way back home, my husband found it on the chair, right where I’d left it. How could I have forgotten the most important item for my baby? HELLO!

After a short shame spiral, I remembered a post I’d read on Facebook earlier in the week asking what the number one complaint of all women was in their marriages. Mental overload. 

I realized that it’s not only women who are married and not only pertaining to married life. It’s mental overload in general. More people than ever are coming to me for coaching. Lost, lonely, questioning their career choice, their abilities as a parent, their abilities as a spouse, and completely bogged down with decision overload. 

Where do we go for Spring Break that won’t break the bank? Where do we go that’s actually open because of Covid? Do I want to quit my job? Do I want a different career path? Do I start a business? Do I want a nap or to clean the house? Is my headache because of dehydration or something else? What do we make for dinner? When was the last time my kid had a well check? What’s due for my job? How many times have I run this load through the washer? Is this chicken in the fridge from three days ago or three weeks ago? My kid has what form due for middle school class selection? That expiration date is 2021, that’s a ways a way. Oh wait, we’re in 2021. What the….? 

Mental Overload. It’s a very real thing and I’m just going to say, if you’re not experiencing it, you are either a unicorn or a liar. 

I’m not sure there is one right answer to overcoming the mental overload but what I can say is that GRACE is the most important help right now. Grace for yourself and grace for others. Communication is second. Send the friendly reminders for dates and commitments others are involved in. Set alarms for yourself. Write the lists. If someone forgets something, understand that it’s probably not intentional. It’s probably because they’re just as mentally overloaded as you are. If you receive a friendly reminder and didn’t need it, that’s fine. Accept it with grace and thank them for sending it anyway. There may come a time when you do need it. Third, ask not how you can help. I’m finding that people’s response of “oh, nothing. It’s ok” or “I’ve got it” is just as canned as “I’m fine” when you ask how they’re doing. Ask your spouse if you can meal plan this week or what chore is at the top of their list. Ask what decisions need to be made that are weighing them down and how you can be a part of that process. Ask what meal your friend who just had surgery would like. Ask specifics. Can you take your niece and nephew for the day to help your sister in law out? Can you come sit with your new mom friend and do her dishes or fold her laundry or can you drop a coffee at her doorstep because she’s not in the mood for company but really just needs a pick me up? 

When someone says they forgot something or they sound like they’re really down on themselves, simply offer grace. A sincere “it’s really ok. Don’t worry about it.”

When that someone is you, look in the mirror and say that same response out loud. 

XOXO,
Kameran

P.S.-  Today is my 37th birthday! If you are questioning your purpose, wanting a different career or wanting to dig deep into who you are and who you were made to be, I am running a flash sale until this Friday on the YOUNIQUE course! 37% off! It’s normally $1,794 but this week only it’s $1,133 paid in full! Payment plans are available!! This is THE course that pulled me out of my depression 3 years ago, gave me the neon flashing sign from God that put me into coaching and gave me the ability to wake up every day knowing without a shadow of a doubt that this is what I was made for! I leave every coaching call with more energy than when I got on the call. This is the ONLY program I have that is not relationship based and I will always keep it because it’s helped so many and I believe so strongly in what it does for every single person who takes it! If this sounds like what you need, get in NOW! I only open it up twice a year and it will NEVER be priced this low again! Click here to sign up!

Priorities

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Teaching Kindergarten full-time, tutoring on the weekends, coaching a full calendar, raising 2 boys, one being a 3 month old who still isn’t sleeping all night with a husband that’s gone 20-23 days a month, maintaining a thriving marriage, and engaged in a rigorous weight loss plan. I’m sure there are more hats that I’m wearing as well but this is the brunt of it. 

This is my life for another 115 days 20 hours 48 mintues and 47 seconds. Less than that by the time you read this. After that, I’m done teaching forever and I’ll only be coaching. I’m absolutely not complaining. I’m grateful! Excited! ..and maybe a little crazy. In the last couple weeks though I’ve been asked how I’m able to manage all of it and also why I haven’t put out a podcast episode since August 26th.

“Did you quit your podcast?” 

The answer is no. I’m still cranking out ideas and possibilities for interviews and trying my darndest to breathe life back into it but the long and short of it is that I’ve learned three important lessons since September 1. 

1. If it’s not giving me energy, fulfillment or income, it’s not a priority. 

2. Waiting until I have everything perfect before starting something only holds people back. 

3. I am not a robot. 

Number 1, it’s simple. Things that drain you of energy when your tank is already pretty rationed out in the first place have to go. They may not have to go to the trash but they do have to go to the back burner. This is a season, not a lifetime. I’ll pick the podcast up again when I have time and energy to devote to it. It’s also not generating fulfillment like coaching clients does. Anything you can do in times like this where it’s really just organized chaos and living day to day that breathes life back into you, do more of that! 

Number 2, I used to procrastinate things so badly thinking that if I could just have everything right and laid out perfectly before starting, I’d be more successful. That’s not how entrepreneurship works and honestly, it’s not how successful ideas come to fruition either. Ideas come to life and become a success because people jumped and then looked. You plan as you go, tweak as you go, believe in yourself more than you do the thing you’re doing and have faith that if you do the work, the venture itself will work. You just have to start! 

Number 3 is a lot like number 1. You can do all the things but I teach this lesson in my Younique course that it’s vitally important to understand that you CAN do a lot of things but you MUST do only one thing. The CAN DO things are often times distractions that prevent you from getting to that MUST DO because they’re comfortable. The one thing you’re called to do is often disguised as hard work, something you think you know nothing about or something that is so far outside your comfort zone you don’t believe you are the right fit for it. God called Moses to lead the people out of Egypt and Moses flat out told God he had the wrong guy. God doesn’t make mistakes. The key is deciphering between what you’re letting become a distraction because you’re good at it and what you’re truly called to do. One thing. NOT all the things.

What’s the priority here?

What is the priority? Figure out the priority and you find the “balance”. Though if you listen to my podcast from when I was cranking consistent episodes you’ll find that it’s more about satisfaction and less about balance anyway. 😉 

XOXO,
Kameran

P.S.-  Not sure what your ONE THING is that you MUST DO? Email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com and let’s talk. I have something for you! 

They’re called blind spots for a reason.

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One day last week I took Mason to school. I’ll preempt this by saying that we do a lot better when we can start our mornings slow and methodically. Fun fact, someone asked me once why I wanted to be an entrepreneur and I told them it was because I didn’t want to have to wake up to an alarm clock. That’s still true. Anyway, no matter how much I front load this kid- put your snack in your back pack, lay out your clothes, set your alarm, etc etc the night before, he will inevitably forget something the next morning. This time, it was his mask. 

The long and short of it is that I was more than irritated at the lack of responsibility and the number of excuses he was spouting off like a broken faucet. In the midst of my “mom speech” and in response to him telling me that he believes he’s always responsible, I found myself saying “you don’t know your own blind spots.” 

I further explained in 11 year old terms what that meant, dropped him off, said I love you, and went about my day but I couldn’t get that one phrase out of my mind. 

Nobody knows their own blind spots. It’s why I have a coach I’ve invested 4 figures into and why my own client roster is almost full. We are all looking for help to see our blind spots. Where do we need more work? 

What part is holding us back, keeping us from reaching our fullest potential? What part of us as an individual is continually sabotaging our relationships? Everyone has a blind spot or even a few. Some are more toxic and hurtful than others. But without bringing them to light and working through them, we continue to stay stagnant, never moving forward into the best version of ourselves. Isn’t that the point of life, to grow and become the best version of you possible? 

I was working with a client this morning and she was talking about how far she’d come in the last 2 years. It’s so important to reflect on those wins but when I asked her why she started this journey in the first place her answer was shocking. Her ex-husband had made a comment that she needed to “stop acting like such a victim.” This one comment sparked a wildfire in her soul and fueled her personal development so that he, nor anyone else would ever be able to tell her she was a victim again. She’s not. She’s powerful, impactful, and thriving. She is truly an inspriation and living into the absolute best version of herself every day. All because her blind spot was made visible. Granted, the fuel was significantly more blazened by the person who said it but the results have given her more confidence in herself and her abilities. She’s a better mom, a better teacher and a better friend throughout! 

The beauty is in the process. Deep within the hard. It’s undeniably hard to self-reflect and get honest with what needs work. It’s also liberating, rewarding and ego-boosting when you can honestly say you’ve done that work and are making the world, even if it’s just your tiny corner of it, better because of the work you did. 

So what version are you living into right now? How can you bring your own blind spots to light?

XOXO,
Kameran

P.S.- Have you checked out the 3 day relationship bootcamp I offered in my facebook group last week? It opened the doors to my 1:1 relationship course BETTER ME, BETTER US. This course is for anyone who knows they want a better relationship but their partner isn’t as committed to the personal development journey just yet. Check it out here.

Are you really helping?

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The story goes that a man comes in and asks his wife for help on something but before it’s all said and done, the wife completes the whole project for her husband because “it’s just easier that way.” 

In a couple weeks, he asks her for “help” on a similar project as before. She agrees but does the project for him again. This repeats multiple times throughout the course of the year and finally one day she says “Why don’t you learn to do this yourself? Why do I always have to help you with this?” 

The answer is within herself. When he came to her the very first time asking for help, instead of doing the project for him, she could’ve taken the time to teach him how to do it on his own right then and there. Thus, preventing herself from the irritation and time of having to do it for him repeatedly. “It was just easier”…but was it really? In the short term moment, maybe but big picture, was it really easier than taking a few extra minutes to teach him to do it himself?

As this situation unfolded before my very eyes, I heard him tell his wife “you’re more of a do the thing and I’m more of a ask for help on it kind of guy”. 

The problem is not with men and women. I see this issue with people of all ages, genders, stages in life, etc. We are becoming more and more a society of needing things given to us, done for us and asking not for help but to be enabled. Yes, I said it. 

See, helping is doing something for someone who cannot do it for themselves. Enabling is doing something for someone who can do it for themselves…a lot of the time, “because it’s just easier.” 

In that moment where we believe that it’s just easier if we do the project, several things are happening cognitively. First, we believe that it will take a lesser amount of time if we just do it ourselves instead of teaching others to do it. Secondly, we so arrogantly believe on some level that if we do it, at least it will be done right. Third, on that same level, we don’t believe in the ability or intelligence of the person asking for help. Think about that for a second. We are so arrogant to believe that we are better, smarter, more equipped to do the task than our counterpart. I will also add that too much of this starts to become a breeding ground for contempt- one of the most toxic traits to have infiltrate a marriage.

At the same time, let’s say for a minute that the person asking for help truly has the intention of learning in their asking for help. Well, you’ve just taken away their chance to better themselves by agreeing to help but doing it for them. 

Let’s flip that coin now and say that the person asking really doesn’t want help but is asking so it sounds like they do. This is a manipulation tactic to get someone to enable them. It’s entitlement, selfish, lazy and crossing a boundary that says “my time is more valuable than yours so I’m going to care not about the time you’re going to waste in doing something I could do but don’t want to.” 

As a parent, it’s easier for us to do something for our children than to see them fail as they learn. But in that, aren’t we failing as the parent by doing things for our children instead of teaching them to be independent and thrive without us? 

As a spouse, it would be easier to do all the things our partner asks of us but if, in the end, we are continuously harboring negative feelings for our partner because of it, we really only have ourselves to blame for allowing the disrespect and agreeing to enable them. 

As a boss, how are you creating an environment that promotes self-improvement, learning, and being a self-starter but also asking for help when it’s truly needed? 

Where are you helping? Where are you enabling? How can you honor your own boundaries and create better time management for yourself by saying no? In situations where you are asking, do you truly need help to learn or are you asking to be enabled?

XOXO,

Kameran

Are you settling?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

Do you love your job? Are you passionate about it? 

I was working with a client the other day and she was talking about how other women, much younger with half her experience in her job are quickly advancing but she isn’t. I asked why she thought that was and her response blew me away. She said “because they’re passionate about what they do and I’m not.” I asked why she chose that job if she wasn’t passionate about it and her next response reminded me a lot of myself. “Because it made more money than the previous job, didn’t have the benefits but made more so I looked at it as a step up.” 
WOW. How many of us can relate? I know I can. I chose elementary education because I’d been in college for 4 years and changed my major 11 times. It was what I had the most credits in and I needed to be done. So a teacher I became. Then when I went back 4 years later, I started out in dietetics but when I got divorced half way through that program, dietetics wasn’t going to pay the bills as a single mom and neither was teaching. So marketing became the next settle. I’d settled in my first marriage because I truly didn’t believe I’d ever find anyone else. See a pattern here? 

SO much settling! How about dreaming? How about recognizing our potential, that one thing we can do like only we can do? How about that? How much time would I have saved if I would’ve thought about that instead? So I asked my client how often she dreamed. She scoffed and said “I don’t think I do. I stay where I’m at because I’m good at it and I’m afraid of failing in front of people.” Next question: If you knew you could do anything in the world and not fail, what would you do? “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about that.” Been there. But the the thing is, people aren’t thinking about you because people are selfish. They’re only thinking about themselves. People don’t worry about your failures because they’re too concerned about their own. 

How often do you dream? Do you let the negativity of other’s projections override your own belief in yourself? Do you stay where you are simply because it pays the bills and you’ve never thought about what you’d really like to do? For some, dreaming is really hard. It brings out the possibilities versus what truly is right here, right now. But your reality, as we talked about last week, is just a series of decisions you made in the past that led you to this point. So if you dreamed more, would you settle less and thereby gain the life you truly want?

I can tell you from my own experience that when I started dreaming, started believing in myself and stopped settling, my life went from constantly stressed and digging myself out of a hole to checking things off my vision boards right and left and being grateful that I had made different decisions that led me to the reality that I have now. 

So the question is, are you settling or are you making decisions that create the reality you desire most?

XOXO,

Kameran

P.S- Have you signed up for the Gratitude and Attitude challenge starting Nov 1? 30 days of gratitude (with prompts to help you) and a daily prompt to help you get to the best version of yourself. We start Sunday! It’s free and it’s going to be fantastic! 

Are you getting enough?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

I did a survey in my facebook group about a week and a half ago. How much sleep do you normally get on any average night? As someone who prioritizes sleep above food, water, or really any other need, I expected the results to be somewhere around 7-8 hours. I was shocked. 

Most of the women in my group are getting somewhere between 3 to 6 hours a night. THREE hours of sleep?! Y’all. That’s not a night’s rest. That’s a nap! 

I talk until I’m blue in the face about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I do this because I think it’s the basis of what makes the rest of our lives great and sadly, the bottom rung of it, our most basic needs, are not being met on a daily basis. The survey I posted is a prime example of that. Food, water, air, homeostasis, sex and sleep. How many of those are you actually meeting every day? 

We’ve always heard that adults need between 6-8 hours of sleep per night. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. The National Sleep Foundation says that statistic is just to function. To truly thrive, an adult needs 7-9 hours a night. This is merely an average. Some adults (like myself) need more like 9.5-10 hours to truly wake up feeling rested, rejuvenated and ready to crush the day. So what if we’re cutting that in half and not getting enough? 

Well first off, your cognitive abilities are slowed…like being drunk. You can’t think as clearly, communicate as well, or handle the obstacles life throws at you like you would if you were rested. Secondly, all you can concentrate on is how tired you are so you start habit stacking in the worst way. You add caffeine in the form of more coffee and soda. This causes your body to release even more cortisol (the belly fat hormone) which also taxes your adrenal glands. Because of the release of cortisol, your sweet tooth is triggered and you’re now adding an additional habit stack of reaching for all the junk food. This also adds to more fat storage because as your pancreas releases insulin to break down the food that’s then passed around to your muscles but rejected because you aren’t moving as much (because again, you’re too tired) so that energy is now stored as fat. Additionally, according to this article, coffee has a half life of 3-5 hours but your body also builds up a resistance to it causing you to need more and more in order to stay awake. So 10 hours after you drink the first cup, the caffeine starts to work and 10 hours after your last cup is when your body actually rests enough to sleep and sleep well. Is your mind racing when you lay down at night? Count backwards 10 hours. Were you still drinking coffee OR soda at that time? The caffeine is causing you not to sleep, but you “need” it in the morning to stay awake. See the complicated problem here? 

Our daily lives also play a part in not getting enough sleep. In my survey, many women weren’t going to bed at night because they felt they still had so much to do. This makes us fall into the life drifts of ambition and approval. Approval says we’ll never “be good enough” and ambition says we’ll “never do enough”. Put those together and you have a recipe for disaster that has your subconscious telling you that you’ll never be a good enough parent, spouse, person, or success story unless you (fill in the blank with any to do list item). But the reality is that you are already good enough and you already do plenty! But if you aren’t well rested, you can’t do anything to the best of your ability and you can’t be a good enough person if you’re a snappy jerk to everyone who says hello because you are exhausted. 

So how do you overcome this? A lot of willpower, change and a deep look into why you aren’t sleeping in the first place. 
1. Anxiety. I’ve been there. It’s a beast but you have to overcome your mindset in order to overcome your anxiety. Get a coach or someone to help you. 
2. Wein yourself off the caffeine and drink more water! Water will help energize you, leave you less dehydrated and help your overall health. It will also fill you up so you aren’t reaching for the sweet treats.
3. Put down the phone. The blue light is wrecking your serotonin levels and causing your brain to think you’re more awake, counteractive to the goal here. 
4. Stop telling yourself you’re a bad person if you don’t get the dishes done or the laundry or the house is a wreck. Really analyze WHY you’re breaking yourself in order to have this clean of a house. Wouldn’t you be able to be more efficient if you had the energy (from sleep- not caffeine) to do it? 
5. Delegate and/or Ask for Help! Do you have children? They NEED to be helping you. Teach them responsibility. Teach them to help out around the house. It takes everyone doing their part to make your household a well oiled machine. Same goes for your spouse. Team players here. At the same time though, nobody can read minds so everyone needs to know what you’d like done and how you’d like it done. Communicate your expectations. 
6. Priorities. Get ’em straight. If TV is higher on your priority list than sleep, we might need to take a look at that. 

Lastly, I have realized that this is such a struggle for so many that if you are truly ready to make a change and you’re not sure how to incorporate more/better sleep into your day, I am offering 60 minutes of sleep strategy coaching for $35. We will go over your routine and what keeps you up at night, revamp it and make a plan that works for you to help you get the sleep you need. All you need to do is implement the plan! Email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com with 3 times that work for you in the next week and let’s get you to a place where you are less stressed, less depleted and better rested! 

XOXO,

Kameran

Is “NO” a struggle for you?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 1

I spent most of my life saying yes to everything anyone asked me to do or help with because deep down I feared that I would let them down if I said no. After all, why would they ask if they didn’t really need my help? 

About 3 years ago, I started recognizing that people would come to me quite often asking for help and I always said yes, even if I had a magnificent amount of loathing for whatever it was they were asking for. But when I needed help and actually swallowed my pride enough to ask for that help, those same people were rarely there to help me. OUCH!. 

That’s when I realized that everyone falls into one of two categories. Those who have no problem saying No and those who struggle with it daily. Guess which category is happier? Hint: it’s not the strugglers. 

Well my friend, here are a few reasons why saying no is so dang hard. 

You’re a people pleaser. 
Plain and simple, you’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s your job to make others happy, to comply, to be the helper, and to always do the right thing. That translates in your head as “I have to say yes because if I say no, people won’t love me as much. They’ll be mad and that doesn’t feel good.” This level of thinking isn’t exactly true. As a recovering people pleaser myself, I can tell you that the need for approval runs a lot deeper than being able to say no. Saying yes all the time is only one symptom of the need for approval. However, it doesn’t feel good when you disappoint others. But I challenge you to think about these questions. First, when you say yes but you really wanted to say no, how do you feel while you’re carrying out the task asked of you? Chances are you feel just as bad because you know you said yes when you didn’t really want to do this thing in the first place. This is a problem because not only are you now giving 50% effort in the task, you’re harboring a lot of irritation, resentment and maybe even anger. How is that helping the person who asked for the help? How is it helping you? 

Secondly, when you say yes but really wanted to say no, you’re giving away your power over your time, energy, and priorities. With your actions, you’re telling the other person that they come before yourself. So if you say no, you’re telling that person that “hey! I’m really sorry but I matter. My time matters. My priorities matter.” You’re affirming that whatever you’re saying yes to (more time with family, friends, yourself, your money, your other resources) is more important than what they were asking for. So now ask yourself, if this person is disappointed in you putting yourself and your happiness over them, how good of a friend/loved one are they really? Who does that say more about, you or them? 

Next, I say this a lot in my coaching. There is a massive difference between helping and enabling. Helping is doing something for others that they can’t do themselves. Enabling is doing something for others that they can do for themselves, they just choose not to. Those who are enabled once will continue to come back to you knowing you’ll never say no to them and you’ll continue to enable them. They are like a leech. They’ll suck the energy right out of you and never move on until you start putting yourself first! Along with that, how are you helping them live into their fullest potential if you’re constantly enabling them and never setting those much needed boundaries? 

You fear the feeling of guilt. 

This goes hand in hand with being a people pleaser but it also runs much deeper. Why do you feel guilty? Now ask yourself Why again and a third time. Maybe journal on this. When you hit that 3rd why deep, you’ll uncover a monsterous breakthrough. Feel free to email me when you hit this breakthrough and let me know what you uncovered. I love hearing stories of people leveling up! 

Here’s how to calm the guilt though because Lord knows, learning to say no is not an overnight experience. So start by saying something like “That sounds interesting, let me check my calendar” or asking “Can I think about it?” You can even politely say something like “You know, I’m just not sure that I’m the right fit for that job but I sure appreciate you asking/thinking of me!” You don’t have to bluntly say NO, just don’t immediately say yes. Remember, if your heart and soul aren’t in it, you’ll end up giving 50% and find yourself in the toxic realm of resentment and negativity. Which is more beneficial in the long run for both of you? 50% effort or 100% effort? Positivity and joy or anger and resentment? 

I saw a shirt about a year ago and while I probably wouldn’t have worn it much, I still love the saying-
If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s gotta be a No. 

XOXO,

Kameran