Are you the intruder in your marriage?

You know in a traditional wedding ceremony where the officiant repeats the bible verse Mark 10:9 “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.

I have always loved that part, thinking that it was a way to keep people from coming between the bride and the groom. 

What if that verse isn’t just meant to keep other people out of our marriage though? What if we are the ones separating our own union? 

For example, do you ever feel like your spouse spends more time on their phone than they do in conversation or connection with you? When you wake up in the morning, do you scroll social media before you even say good morning to your love? 

I recently heard Kevin Hart say that his world was rocked and he had to reprioritize his life when he was told that he was “married to his job and dating his family”. Is work coming between you and your spouse? 

Growing up, I had a friend that lived across the street and her mom and dad always put each other before the kids. Even at 7 and 8 years old, I noticed and admired that. The concept of putting your spouse’s needs before the kids is commendable and rare. Of course, there are exceptions like if you have an infant that needs fed or whatnot. For the most part though, do the kids come first or second on your priority list? 

One of the reasons I divorced my first husband was that he could never set the boundary with his mother when she called and asked for money or didn’t respect the boundary I had set. Are in-laws intruding in your marriage? 

Here are some other possible “intruders”: 

  • outside hobbies and interests (hunting season anyone?) 
  • TV 
  • Friends
  • Addictions
  • Affairs
  • Church functions 

What you invest the majority of your time in directly correlates to what you value most. If you put more time into your phone than you do connection with your spouse, your value is not on your marriage but on the highlight reel of other’s lives. 

Reflecting on those values and the time put into your marriage, if you find yourself saying “Well, life just happened”, chances are that the bond you have with your spouse is fragile. 

So how do you get out of the habit of valuing the wrong things?

Understand that your marriage is only as strong as the value you put on it. If you want a Target brand marriage, make a couple tweaks but mostly keep doing what you’re doing. If you want a Louis Vuitton marriage, you’re going to have to pay a higher price. 

Meaning, you’re going to have to lay out a plan. That might mean no phones in the bedroom, no screens after 9 PM, setting boundaries with family, friends, work, etc. Getting help with addictions and affairs or your marriage as a whole. Cutting out what is lower on your list of values and starting new habits that give meaning and priority to what’s most important to you and your goals.

Take another part of the marriage ceremony, the “forsaking all others” into consideration. Forsake what is coming between the connection you and your spouse have. 

As always, if you need help with this or feel that you and your spouse aren’t aligning on what you value, email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com and let’s do a pop-up session together to help you get on the same page! 

Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach, 

Kameran 

P.S.- have you signed up for the  Good to Great! The 31 day marriage challenge yet? It isn’t your typical “send a cute text” challenge. This is a deep dive into continuous issues, healing and building of a union. Every day you’ll get a short audio lesson, a devotional and some connection challenges do complete emailed directly to you at 5 AM. You’ll spend every day in October in the word, creating a better you and a better marriage. $31 for 31 days! 

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