Let’s Talk Intimacy

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

I think it’s safe to say that most, if not all, of us are quite aware that women and men are completely different in mind, body, soul and thought. But what if most of that is conditioned? 

Take our emotions for example. Men have been conditioned by having an endless reel of emotionally murderous sayings pounded into them. Phrases like-  “stop crying, be a man, man up, be a hero, don’t show your emotions, never show weakness”, you get the picture. In movies we saw as children, men are always strong, muscular, rarely if ever emotionally vulnerable. Meanwhile, the girl is always crying, swooning when the her knight in shining armor comes to save her, and we’ve been taught to talk to our girlfriends about every single detail of our lives.

When I was about 13, for fear that I would possibly see a snake while loading haybales, I literally climbed the haystack with my dad’s flatbed pickup. The thought running through my head while doing so was “I’m just not quite close enough.” It’s a wonder I didn’t roll it completely but when my 6’2″ father opened the passenger side door and I had to look down at him, I knew I was in BIG trouble. The only thing he said was- “Go to the house”. Ah crap. I did as I was told and when he came to the house, not one word was spoken of my idiocy or the damage. Not one. Why? Because I cried. Had that been either of my brothers, the wrath of hell that would’ve unleashed would’ve been next level. Prime example of conditioning. Girls, if you cry at getting a ticket or at wrecking a pickup on the farm, you get out of it. Boys, if you cry, you’re gonna get double. Take it like a man. 

So what happens when this is our emotional conditioning from birth to marriage? We go into marriage with the exact same thoughts and beliefs and we are left with husbands who can’t regulate emotions and wives that are emotionally manipulative. 

Here’s the next level. Men are also conditioned to believe that the number of sexual partners they have is directly proportionate to their level of peer acceptance. The higher the number, the cooler a guy becomes. Meanwhile, women are chastised for their sexual behavior because the higher the number, the more she becomes UNaccepted by society. 

Therefore, men are taught that sex is good, but it’s not safe to be emotionally vulnerable. Under no circumstance whatsoever are you to connect the two as a man. 

On the other side of the coin, women are taught that you do not have sex with someone you are not emotionally involved with. Open up, be vulnerable, it’s safe but do not have sex until he’s vulnerable with you as well. Hence the reason hearing “I love you” is how we are taught to gauge whether a man is worthy of a sexual encounter. See the problem here? 

Broken down- men need sex but aren’t able to be emotionally available and women need to be emotionally vulnerable but aren’t able to be sexually involved without the emotional involvement. 

The marriage goes on a few more years and the couple gets complacent, the woman starts thinking more about the dishes in the sink and the laundry that needs rewashed for the third time and she’s not able to connect emotionally to her partner. Her husband needs the sex but without the emotional connection, she’s not able to enjoy it. She becomes more and more distant and eventually sex isn’t fun for him anymore either because he sees she’s just not that into it anymore. The gap of connection widens further. 

It all stems back to emotional intelligence. If the man would’ve learned to regulate his emotions, show them (all of them) in a healthy way and learned to have spousal awareness with his wife’s emotional needs, not only would their connection be airtight, their physical intimacy and passion would be through the roof! Take that one step further and if she would’ve been taught healthy boundaries around sex, people’s opinions, her own emotional regulation and to read her husband’s emotional needs, she would be able to act and react to his needs as well. Again, leading to connectivity, emotional and physical intimacy. WIN-WIN-WIN! 

Marriages wouldn’t be so broken. The desire to cheat wouldn’t be as high and the divorce rate would plummet. 

If any of this resonated and you feel like you need to learn boundaries around sex, emotional regulation, how to be more emotionally vulnerable with your spouse or how to read them emotionally and meet their needs, have more empathy and build stronger connections in marriage, business and with your children- Get in EQ & YOU!!! This is the whole reason I created this course! Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach, 

Kameran 

How Your Childhood Is Affecting Your Marriage

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

I’ll never forget the day I yelled to my then 3 year old son as he jumped off the chair “We do NOT have time for an Emergency Room visit today!” and thought Oh Dear Lord, I’ve become my mother. If you have kids, I’m sure you can relate. 

Our experiences as a child shape us and give us our subconscious and conscious beliefs. They also shape our relationships. How we fight, how we think about money, how we parent our own children, even how we respond (or don’t) to our spouses. 

It starts with the parenting. There are four main types: 
Authoritarian: children are taught to obey without question. Parents often have the “children should be seen, not heard” mindset. When it comes to rules, it’s very much the “my way is the highway” or “I am the parent and I said so.” kind of thinking. It sounds like “quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Kids are taught to comply out of fear for the punishment, not out of true respect. 
This has high accountability but low acceptance. 

Permissive Parenting: children are left to do as they please for the most part. Rules, boundaries and consequences are not enforced very often. The thought patterns here are “kids will be kids”. It sounds like “sure, do whatever you want.”
This has high acceptance and low accountability.

Uninvolved or Neglectful Parenting: children are left to fend for themselves, aren’t asked about their day, and rarely have their needs met. Parenting of this sort may be intentional or unintentional- having a mental illness or lack of education of a child’s development and abilities. It has no sound because parents aren’t there or don’t care enough to ask/respond.
This has low acceptance and low accountability. 

Authoritative Parenting: children are taught rules, responsibilities and respect while their emotional needs are met. Rules are explained as to why things are the way they are and emotions are not only identified but also validated. It sounds like “If you hit me with the toy again, we will put the toy away until tomorrow.” When they do it again, they lose the toy as a privilege. “I understand you are angry but that hurts me and it’s not ok to hurt people. You may choose another toy if you can be safe with it.” After the child has calmed down, the behavior is addressed and a healthier way of dealing with their anger is discussed. The reaction is respectful and age appropriate. It helps kids learn natural consequences- a skill that will be vital to the rest of their life. It’s not a punishment based on the parent’s anger. At the same time, emotions are being identified, validated and the kids are being taught how to work through them.  
This has high acceptance and high accountability.

Most of us, including myself, were brought up with authoritarian parenting styles. Our parents were brought up with that style and there’s a good chance that unless you researched this before you had kids, you’re bringing your kids up the same way. No judgment!

The only issue with that is that it doesn’t address emotions and most of our lives are run off of emotional signals. Many of the decisions we make are based on emotions felt. How we react to our partner, our children, our boss- all based on emotions. If we don’t learn to regulate those when we are kids and we’re only taught to comply because an authoritarian said so, we become adults who still can’t process and regulate emotions.

Thus, we get into a relationship and we lose our temper, walk away while our partner is still speaking, stop listening and start getting defensive at the first sign of criticism or complaint, we “love” our spouse but only when things are good. We have no self-awareness meaning we don’t know what we’re feeling or why we’re reacting the way we are. We have no spousal awareness- what they’re feeling despite ALL the cues being there or how to react to them. We get angry at our kids for having a meltdown because their communication of an unmet need isn’t ok with us…because of how it looks to other people around us. Read that again.

We can’t teach our children to regulate their emotions because we can’t regulate ours. 

All behavior, even in adults, is simply communication of a met or unmet need.

The good news: this is a skill that can be learned no matter what age or stage you’re in! You can learn to face adversity, have perseverance, have empathy, self-regulate, improve relationships and have more success in business just by improving your emotional intelligence! It definitely takes effort and consistent work to rewire your brain like that but it’s worth it! As someone who has worked for over 3 years on this skill, I can tell you it’s absolutely possible and the results are much more calm, satisfying and productive!

I created a course that does just that because as a former teacher, I saw a need. As a relationship coach and parent, I see an even bigger need. If this email resonated with you and you thought even for a second “I think she’s talking to me.” Get in here! It’s going to be a game changer!  Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach, 

Kameran