I don’t feel wanted.

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

I don’t know about you but I have felt this way many times in my marriage. I hear it a lot in sessions while coaching couples and often, I don’t think it’s completely understood. We know we don’t feel wanted, but why? What’s happening under the surface? Is there something going on with our partner as well? Let’s dive in. 

It’s a two part scenario.


Partner 1: 

” I don’t feel wanted.”Internally, this partner feels shame, embarrassment, like something is wrong with them. They don’t feel important. 
Externally, gender issues come into play so if it’s the woman that’s feeling this way, she starts thinking “He’s a man! He’s supposed to want sex all the time, isn’t he?” She starts thinking she isn’t good enough in bed, isn’t pretty enough, sexy enough, a good enough wife. If it’s a man that isn’t wanted, it becomes “I’m not a good enough husband. I’m supposed to be able to fix this. Why doesn’t she just tell me the problem? Am I not performing well enough in bed?” Both partners of either gender might even start thinking that there is someone else, assuming, and even going so far as to accuse their spouse of an affair. 

Partner 2: 

Internally, “my partner just told me they don’t feel wanted. Do they not understand that I’ve been under so much stress lately? I’m overworked! I work all day and come home expecting to work some more!” It’s not that they don’t want you. It’s that they are overwhelmed and have a low libido because of external or possibly internal factors (hormones, diet, sleep factors, etc) 

What can we do about it? 

Have a conversation and take a deep look at your part in this scenario. If this is about how your sex life is going (or isn’t), look at your own performance. Many women enter into sex thinking that they have to say yes because societally we’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s our “womanly/wifely duty” but if we are agreeing just to agree without really being into it, watching the clock, the ceiling, thinking about how many loads of laundry we have, the kids will be home from school any minute, etc. that isn’t building connection.

As the man, agreeing or initiating without being emotionally connected, you’re not doing your wife any favors. At the same time, if you’re too focused on your performance and how it has to be perfect because that’s what you’ve been societally conditioned for, you’re not doing yourself any favors. That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself! 

Connection has to be the core focus of sex for it to feel fulfilling. If a woman doesn’t feel wanted and desired during, afterwards she will feel “slutty”, used, shameful. If a man doesn’t feel like she’s engaged, it feels shameful, like he’s not performing well enough, self-conscious. The big question here is: How are you showing up to the act?

Second question, how do you feel about yourself?  If you’re feeling down, have low self-esteem, like that 5 extra pounds you gained at Christmas is definitely showing and you’ve started wearing leggings and your hair hasn’t been washed in more than 5 days or you’ve sat around in your holey underwear, haven’t showered or cut your toenails in 3 weeks well…are you attracted to yourself? Confidence is sexy! What do you need to do to create a reality where you feel sexy again? 

Back to that conversation- this is kind of like a love languages thing. How does your partner feel wanted? It probably looks different than your way of feeling wanted. Speak their language. 

Additionally, why don’t you want your partner right now? Are you stressed? Do you feel like your emotional connection is missing? Is there a lot of conflict in your relationship right now? How’s your sex drive as a whole right now? For the partner who isn’t feeling wanted- LISTEN more than you talk right now. See this from your partner’s point of view. 

Sidenote here, it’s super common in sessions for me to hear “I’m always the one who initiates!” Sometimes the person initiating more frequently also feels like they’re getting shot down so they stop initiating. This leads to the other partner not feeling wanted. Drop the initiation scorecard! At the same time, if you don’t initiate, START! It’s not one person’s responsibility to initiate all the time. A key mantra to adopt is “I won’t shame you for saying no if you don’t shame me for asking.”  Tom and Lisa Bilyeu shared that a few years ago and it’s been a game changer in my own marriage! 

Bottom line: YOU MISS EACH OTHER! 

How can you come together to feel more connected? 

Need help? This is where I thrive as a coach!! Reach out! 
Your Coach,


This week on the podcast- I interview Dr. Joli Hamilton- mother of 7, relationship coach and expert on jealousy! We talk about jealousy, communication styles, relationship entanglements (with people and feelings) and so much more! You are sure to get tools, conversation starters and so much more in this episode! Find the podcast anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. It’s called Recognizing Potential Podcast. You can also click the orange wifi lookin button below to listen! 

Complaining is GOOD for your marriage!

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

Do you find yourself complaining to your spouse a lot? Fantastic! It’s actually good for your marriage! Yes, you read that correctly. 

Studies done by the University of Washington show that couples who complain in a moderate amount have healthier marriages than those who don’t. Complaining helps keep resentment from building and helps each individual improve in their abilities as a husband/wife because they’re being brought to the individual’s attention. 

The catch? It must be complaining and not criticizing. What’s the difference? I’m glad you asked! 

Complaining addresses the behavior of a person. Criticizing attacks the person as a whole. 

Complaints sound like “I felt really disrespected by the tone you used this morning when we were working on the budget.” 

Criticism sounds like “You are so disrespectful when we discuss the bills!” 

Notice that the complaint started with I while the criticism started with you. As you read on, notice that the complaint clearly addressed the behavior as it said “you used” while the criticism said “you are”.  While the words don’t seem that different, the message behind the words is received completely different. Additionally, complaining communicates an emotion. Your partner can’t get mad when you’re communicating an emotion because it’s your feeling, your experience.

Think of communication like a gate. When you start your complaint with an I message, “I feel/want/would appreciate/like/don’t care for…” your partner is much more apt to listen and hear you out. The communication gate stays open. When the message starts with “you are/do/always/never/have/…” the receiver of the message immediately feels threatened and attacked. The gate is slammed shut, the wall goes up and the listener is now listening only to respond to the threat versus truly hearing what the speaker is saying. 

In addition to complaining versus criticizing, using “we” instead of you, I or me can also lead to more solutions and less arguments. 

Example: “We” forgot to take out the trash before we left for vacation. We didn’t shut the garage door last night before bed. We need to remember to pay the phone bill. We have to send a gift to my mom. 

Understandably, it doesn’t take two people to mail a letter or take out the trash. But if one person who usually takes that role on forgets or doesn’t have time, is it possible for the other to step in and do it out of an act of generosity? Absolutely! 

Using we the most in a conversation says “Hey partner, I’m not blaming you. I’m in this as a team so I want to come to a solution as a team.” Doing things with an attitude of generosity rather than irritation and resentment says the same thing.  

The catch there is that one person can’t always be picking up the slack. Obviously that’s not going to work well in the team atmosphere and definitely will lead to breakdown and exhaustion in the partner doing the majority of the work which will cause resentment and anger. 

What are you communicating to your partner? Are you coming at things as a team or as if they’re your enemy? Are you complaining or criticizing? Where could you improve?

Communicate well and as always, if this is an area you need help with, reach out for a pop-up session or for more information on 1:1 coaching! 

Your Coach,