EQForgivenessGrowth MindsetIntimacyMarriageTrust

Can You Forgive?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

Have you ever said something to your partner and immediately regretted it just by the look on their face? 

It’s inevitable that you’re going to hurt and be hurt by your partner at some point in your marriage. Intentionally or unintentionally, it’s going to happen. What happens after the hurt is the most important part though. 

We have the tendency to bottle that hurt up, not talk about it, pull away and let the resentment build until one day something minor happens and we blow like Mount Saint Helens.

What if we choose to forgive, instead? 

A common misconception is that forgiveness is a feeling. It’s not. Forgiveness is a choice. When you harbor anger and resentment toward your partner, that’s a choice as well. 

Other misconceptions are that forgiveness means you pretend the hurt doesn’t matter or that you have to forget about it completely. Another is that you deny the hurt and hope it just goes away. Maybe you think your love will just magically resolve the hurt and everything will go back to normal. Sorry, that’s not forgiveness at all. 

Forgiveness is facing the issue in how we were wronged head on and having the hard conversations with our spouse. Those hard conversations are often looked at as a conflict to avoid. Instead, let’s start looking at them for what they could be- incredible connection pieces to help us grow together as a couple. Forgiveness is recognizing and managing our emotions as well as having empathy for the emotions our partner has as well. Above all, forgiveness means choosing to not hold the wrong that was done to us against our partner. 

Forgiveness is a process. 

Depending on the level of hurt, sometimes you have to forgive yourself or your partner for that hurt over and over again. There may be triggers that come up and remind you of the hurt, causing you to feel pain repeatedly. Choosing to repeatedly forgive again and again is the key. How?

1. Talk about the pain. 
When a topic is talked about, it loses the power it has over you. Discuss how you hurt your partner or how they hurt you. When things are left unaddressed, even if they’re small, they lead to a loss of intimacy. Like tiny chips in a concrete wall, eventually the wall will be unstable and broken down if enough is chipped away.

2. Apologize correctly.
First, apologize using your partners apology language. If you aren’t using their apology language, chances are, they don’t feel like your apology was genuine or complete. If you need to know your or your partner’s apology language, take the free quiz here. 

Also know that an apology does not include the word BUT. 

“I’m sorry I lost my temper and said hurtful things to you BUT I wouldn’t have said them if you hadn’t been so rude to me.” This is not an apology. This is blaming your partner. 

“I’m sorry I said those things to you in front of the kids. It was mean and disrespectful and I shouldn’t have treated you that way. It won’t happen again. Will you forgive me?” This is a proper apology. The next step is making sure it doesn’t happen again. 

Apologies without changed behavior are nothing more than manipulations.

3. Forgive.
Forgive even when you don’t feel like it. Forgive out of love and as a stepping stone to connection, healing and unity. 

What will you forgive your partner for today?

Your coach, 

Kameran 

P.S.- November kind of snuck up on me but the annual gratitude and attitude challenge is OPEN! Every year, I email out a different journal prompt every morning the month of November to help you grow as an individual and become the highest version of yourself. They vary in topics and can be used as a journal prompt, conversation connect with your spouse or simply as a reflection piece for the day. If you’d like to participate, subscribe here! We start on Sunday! 

EQIntimacyMarriage

Let’s Talk Intimacy

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

I think it’s safe to say that most, if not all, of us are quite aware that women and men are completely different in mind, body, soul and thought. But what if most of that is conditioned? 

Take our emotions for example. Men have been conditioned by having an endless reel of emotionally murderous sayings pounded into them. Phrases like-  “stop crying, be a man, man up, be a hero, don’t show your emotions, never show weakness”, you get the picture. In movies we saw as children, men are always strong, muscular, rarely if ever emotionally vulnerable. Meanwhile, the girl is always crying, swooning when the her knight in shining armor comes to save her, and we’ve been taught to talk to our girlfriends about every single detail of our lives.

When I was about 13, for fear that I would possibly see a snake while loading haybales, I literally climbed the haystack with my dad’s flatbed pickup. The thought running through my head while doing so was “I’m just not quite close enough.” It’s a wonder I didn’t roll it completely but when my 6’2″ father opened the passenger side door and I had to look down at him, I knew I was in BIG trouble. The only thing he said was- “Go to the house”. Ah crap. I did as I was told and when he came to the house, not one word was spoken of my idiocy or the damage. Not one. Why? Because I cried. Had that been either of my brothers, the wrath of hell that would’ve unleashed would’ve been next level. Prime example of conditioning. Girls, if you cry at getting a ticket or at wrecking a pickup on the farm, you get out of it. Boys, if you cry, you’re gonna get double. Take it like a man. 

So what happens when this is our emotional conditioning from birth to marriage? We go into marriage with the exact same thoughts and beliefs and we are left with husbands who can’t regulate emotions and wives that are emotionally manipulative. 

Here’s the next level. Men are also conditioned to believe that the number of sexual partners they have is directly proportionate to their level of peer acceptance. The higher the number, the cooler a guy becomes. Meanwhile, women are chastised for their sexual behavior because the higher the number, the more she becomes UNaccepted by society. 

Therefore, men are taught that sex is good, but it’s not safe to be emotionally vulnerable. Under no circumstance whatsoever are you to connect the two as a man. 

On the other side of the coin, women are taught that you do not have sex with someone you are not emotionally involved with. Open up, be vulnerable, it’s safe but do not have sex until he’s vulnerable with you as well. Hence the reason hearing “I love you” is how we are taught to gauge whether a man is worthy of a sexual encounter. See the problem here? 

Broken down- men need sex but aren’t able to be emotionally available and women need to be emotionally vulnerable but aren’t able to be sexually involved without the emotional involvement. 

The marriage goes on a few more years and the couple gets complacent, the woman starts thinking more about the dishes in the sink and the laundry that needs rewashed for the third time and she’s not able to connect emotionally to her partner. Her husband needs the sex but without the emotional connection, she’s not able to enjoy it. She becomes more and more distant and eventually sex isn’t fun for him anymore either because he sees she’s just not that into it anymore. The gap of connection widens further. 

It all stems back to emotional intelligence. If the man would’ve learned to regulate his emotions, show them (all of them) in a healthy way and learned to have spousal awareness with his wife’s emotional needs, not only would their connection be airtight, their physical intimacy and passion would be through the roof! Take that one step further and if she would’ve been taught healthy boundaries around sex, people’s opinions, her own emotional regulation and to read her husband’s emotional needs, she would be able to act and react to his needs as well. Again, leading to connectivity, emotional and physical intimacy. WIN-WIN-WIN! 

Marriages wouldn’t be so broken. The desire to cheat wouldn’t be as high and the divorce rate would plummet. 

If any of this resonated and you feel like you need to learn boundaries around sex, emotional regulation, how to be more emotionally vulnerable with your spouse or how to read them emotionally and meet their needs, have more empathy and build stronger connections in marriage, business and with your children- Get in EQ & YOU!!! This is the whole reason I created this course! Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach, 

Kameran