One to two times a year my husband goes to training as a pilot. He goes for his annual training to keep him current so he can be on top of his game when he’s flying 75 passengers to and from making memories. This year he started the year at training to upgrade to captain. He’s gone for about a month both times and let’s face it, if anything at all is going to happen, it will be during those times. It’s pilot wife law. Well long story short, during this trip alone- my son has been pulled from middle school after a ridiculous amount of issues and we’ve started homeschooling-a situation in an of itself that took about 8 years off my life from stress. My dad had his second heart attack in 5 years. I have a full coaching roster, working from home, have a teething toddler and my love languages (quality time and physical touch) have obviously not been met. Resentful? A little.
I met with my coach because yes, coaches need coaches so we can make sure we are applying everything we preach. After hearing all of this, she asked me “how are you living into the best version of you?” Umm… I’m trying not to drown? Doesn’t sound very “best version” and thriving.
Buuuuuut….She was right. *sigh* Funny how that happens and it was just the kick in the pants I needed.
I can’t control the fact that my husband is living his dreams and doing what he believes is his best by providing for his family. I can’t control that his idea of what a man needs to do and what I need as a woman and a wife are fundamentally different. I can control whether or not I’m a jerk to him and whether I support him in doing so. I can control how I communicate these needs and we work through them while he’s there and has a break and after he gets home.
I’ve controlled all I can with the school, communicated the best I can. I can’t control the fact that it hasn’t helped. However, I have a teaching degree so I can control my son’s learning and the outcomes of what he gets at home.
I can’t control the outcome of my Dad’s health and when he’s called home. Scary as it is, this one’s all on God.
I can’t control my feelings of inadequacy, overwhelm, loneliness, resentment, or love languages not being met. I can control how much time I spend working on my mindset, going to the gym so I feel better about myself, what I eat, how I spend my time and how I react to these feelings. I can control how I communicate my needs and initiate virtual date nights.
I can control how I show up for my husband, even if he isn’t able to show up for me in the ways I’d like him to right now. I can control my integrity, my empathy and my own effort because if the situations were reversed, this is how I’d want him to treat me. That dadgum golden rule sure does slap you in the face all the way through your life.
Throughout this whole week, I had to get real with myself and sometimes that means answering the hard questions like Who is the best version of myself? What does she look like? How does she show up to life, to all the roles she plays and for herself?
It takes two whole people to create a whole union. If I’m relying on my husband to be his best before I am my best, that’s codependent and not healthy or whole. It’s also counter-blaming your partner and showing defensiveness, one of the top four causes of divorce.
Bottom line, the best version of your marriage starts as the best version of you. Start there and control what you can control. It’s the only thing that will keep your sanity in check in a world of chaos.
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