CommunicationMarriage

Would You Want More Time or More Money?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

If given the choice, would you rather have more time or more money? 

When planning vacations, do you think more about the money that’s being spent or the memories that are going to be made? 

As my husband and I plan and pack for our annual trip to Egypt, we have been having a lot of these connecting conversations. Using these exact conversation prompts has lead us to learning more about each other, our different perspectives and gaining new insight that’s helped us avoid a lot of conflict. 

Using that as a tool, I’ve given this to a few of my client couples as well. Every couple, including myself and my husband, have had different results. 

For Moe and I, we think more about the memories that will be made but while he would rather have more money, I would rather have more time, even if it means less money. 

The issue here is that neither of us are wrong, our perspectives are simply different. By understanding where the other person is coming from, we also understand each other’s intentions and motivations better. When Moe picks up extra flying trips, it takes away time from me and our kids. This could be a source of conflict if he didn’t understand that time means so much to me, especially while the kids are little. It could also be a source of conflict and resentment for me if I didn’t understand that he’s money motivated and trying to provide for our family, give us the ability to buy a house, build more memories and take fantastic vacations every year. I also need to understand that this is a sacrifice he makes because it’s hard to be away from us and miss out on the things our 2-year-old is learning every day, the memories we make finger painting or our oldest cracking jokes every 10 minutes. He misses out on those things too. 

When we don’t have empathy and see each other’s intentions and motivations, we assume that our partner is wrong, doing things out of spite, they’re selfish, or so many other negative things. The narrative in our head becomes a spiderweb of lies and assumptions. However, when we look at the intentions and motivations, we see our spouse in an entirely different light. We are able to have gratitude for them, be proud of them, and even give grace where we wouldn’t have normally. 

So how do we vacuum up the spiderwebs and create peace? Ask. Ask out of curiosity versus judgement. Start with the two questions at the top of this blog post. Then move to something like:

What does it mean to you when I work extra? 

What sacrifices do you have to make when I work extra? 

Is there anything that you’re seeing from a financial, emotional, mental, parental, spousal, or other perspective that I’m not seeing? 

What are you motivated by? 

What are your biggest fears for yourself as an individual, for us as a family, and for us as a couple? 

When we have more answers, can see a different perspective and hold space for that perspective with unconditional love and acceptance and our partner can do the same, now we’re moving forward as a team. We’re able to see the bigger picture in more colors than we might have before. The narrative in our head quiets down and observes instead of getting defensive and attacking a perceived problem that may or may not be there.

Remember that there has to be a balance of energy between you and your partner. The gifts, talents and perspectives that your spouse brings to the table is different than what you bring to the table. That’s what makes you work well as a team. If you both had the same gifts and talents, you wouldn’t be unique, and you’d fail because there would be massive gaps that weren’t filled in. By each of you being different, those gaps are closed, and projects are even more vibrantly executed because of what each of you bring to the table as individuals. Own what you bring to the table but most of all, believe in and be proud of what they bring. But first, you have to discover what it is for you to believe in and be proud of. 

Happy exploring!! 

Your coach,
Kameran

Growth MindsetMarriageMindset

Readers Are Leaders In Marriage

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

In the past three months, I’ve had two couples that I’m working with say that they’d like to start a book club with their spouse as part of their connecting routine. 

When we get married, the fact that we will stay married to the same person forever isn’t realistic. The reality is that we are always growing, always changing so we will either grow together or grow apart. When these couples were open to the book club idea in their home, I got excited for them! They’ll be growing together and learning how to be better spouses to each other in the process. 

I’ve always been a reader. As a kid, I read the pickle jar if it was out. My husband on the other hand is not. I think he started reading a book about six years ago. He’s still on page 8. That’s ok. That’s not how he gets his information. So naturally when I suggested this idea to him, he shut it down real quick. But when I asked if he’d consider listening to the audio version while I read the hard copy, now I was speaking his language. So if you’re in the same boat and really want this to be a thing- maybe suggest an alternative like that. 

Here are five books you can use in your marital book club or for your own personal self-improvement. 

1. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller

 If you caught Episode 44 of the podcast or if you’ve heard anything about attachment styles at all, you know that your attachment style and the way it shows up in your relationship is literally everything. This book and the workbook companion helps you figure out what your style is, how to break it down and create a secure style so that you can create and keep a healthy marriage. 

2. Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

 This is another great one with a workbook companion. A man needs respect more than anything while a woman needs to be loved and cherished. If a woman isn’t loved, she can’t respect her man. If a man isn’t respected, he can’t love and cherish her. So, what do you do? How do you get out of the “crazy cycle”? That’s what this book is all about. 

3. The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage by Rob and Kristen Bell 

I absolutely love this book! It’s a short read, easy to understand and they use stick figures to explain their teachings. Yes, please! This book talks all about the energy between you and your partner. What’s happening when you’re in each other’s space? How do you create a loving, positive environment between the two of you? 

4. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

I am in the middle of getting Gottman certified. These are two certifications I am adding to my coaching repertoire from the marriage guru himself. The knowledge he has is absolutely incredible and though I love any and all books he has put on shelves, this one is fantastic at breaking down marriage rules, expectations and teaching what’s healthy and what’s not. You absolutely cannot go wrong with any information from Dr. Gottman. 

5. The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile

It’s no secret, I love the enneagram and any other personality test that gives insight to who we are and how we move in the world. At the same time, understanding your partner and how they move in the world is equally as important when you’re in a long term, committed relationship. Understanding your and your partner’s enneagram numbers, as well as how you each move and flow together in health and conflict makes or breaks your marriage. This book is fantastic at breaking it down! 

These are all books I’ve read cover to cover and are all a great start to bettering your marriage. If you have a fantastic marriage already, awesome! I promise, you’ll still gain a lot if you read any of these. 

Your coach,

Kameran