EQIntimacyMarriage

Let’s Talk Intimacy

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

I think it’s safe to say that most, if not all, of us are quite aware that women and men are completely different in mind, body, soul and thought. But what if most of that is conditioned? 

Take our emotions for example. Men have been conditioned by having an endless reel of emotionally murderous sayings pounded into them. Phrases like-  “stop crying, be a man, man up, be a hero, don’t show your emotions, never show weakness”, you get the picture. In movies we saw as children, men are always strong, muscular, rarely if ever emotionally vulnerable. Meanwhile, the girl is always crying, swooning when the her knight in shining armor comes to save her, and we’ve been taught to talk to our girlfriends about every single detail of our lives.

When I was about 13, for fear that I would possibly see a snake while loading haybales, I literally climbed the haystack with my dad’s flatbed pickup. The thought running through my head while doing so was “I’m just not quite close enough.” It’s a wonder I didn’t roll it completely but when my 6’2″ father opened the passenger side door and I had to look down at him, I knew I was in BIG trouble. The only thing he said was- “Go to the house”. Ah crap. I did as I was told and when he came to the house, not one word was spoken of my idiocy or the damage. Not one. Why? Because I cried. Had that been either of my brothers, the wrath of hell that would’ve unleashed would’ve been next level. Prime example of conditioning. Girls, if you cry at getting a ticket or at wrecking a pickup on the farm, you get out of it. Boys, if you cry, you’re gonna get double. Take it like a man. 

So what happens when this is our emotional conditioning from birth to marriage? We go into marriage with the exact same thoughts and beliefs and we are left with husbands who can’t regulate emotions and wives that are emotionally manipulative. 

Here’s the next level. Men are also conditioned to believe that the number of sexual partners they have is directly proportionate to their level of peer acceptance. The higher the number, the cooler a guy becomes. Meanwhile, women are chastised for their sexual behavior because the higher the number, the more she becomes UNaccepted by society. 

Therefore, men are taught that sex is good, but it’s not safe to be emotionally vulnerable. Under no circumstance whatsoever are you to connect the two as a man. 

On the other side of the coin, women are taught that you do not have sex with someone you are not emotionally involved with. Open up, be vulnerable, it’s safe but do not have sex until he’s vulnerable with you as well. Hence the reason hearing “I love you” is how we are taught to gauge whether a man is worthy of a sexual encounter. See the problem here? 

Broken down- men need sex but aren’t able to be emotionally available and women need to be emotionally vulnerable but aren’t able to be sexually involved without the emotional involvement. 

The marriage goes on a few more years and the couple gets complacent, the woman starts thinking more about the dishes in the sink and the laundry that needs rewashed for the third time and she’s not able to connect emotionally to her partner. Her husband needs the sex but without the emotional connection, she’s not able to enjoy it. She becomes more and more distant and eventually sex isn’t fun for him anymore either because he sees she’s just not that into it anymore. The gap of connection widens further. 

It all stems back to emotional intelligence. If the man would’ve learned to regulate his emotions, show them (all of them) in a healthy way and learned to have spousal awareness with his wife’s emotional needs, not only would their connection be airtight, their physical intimacy and passion would be through the roof! Take that one step further and if she would’ve been taught healthy boundaries around sex, people’s opinions, her own emotional regulation and to read her husband’s emotional needs, she would be able to act and react to his needs as well. Again, leading to connectivity, emotional and physical intimacy. WIN-WIN-WIN! 

Marriages wouldn’t be so broken. The desire to cheat wouldn’t be as high and the divorce rate would plummet. 

If any of this resonated and you feel like you need to learn boundaries around sex, emotional regulation, how to be more emotionally vulnerable with your spouse or how to read them emotionally and meet their needs, have more empathy and build stronger connections in marriage, business and with your children- Get in EQ & YOU!!! This is the whole reason I created this course! Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach, 

Kameran 

EQMindsetPurposeSelf-worth

Struggling With Self-Worth?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

You are incredible, strong, intelligent, admired, beautiful and worthy! Yes, YOU! 

What was your first thought when you read that? Was it “YEAH! I am! Thanks, Kam!” or was it “Well…I don’t know about that.” 

One of the top things that people are struggling with, not just women but men too, is self-worth. We have struggled so much over the past 18 months. We’ve tried to do more, be more, have more, make ends meet, and do it all perfectly that we’ve convinced ourselves that we aren’t worthy of having, doing or being what we were meant for.

Ephesians 2:10 talks about how we are God’s MASTERPIECE! Now, when I think masterpiece, I think Van Gogh, Picasso, Monet. Would you compare yourself to something as exquisite as a piece by one of these incredible artists? And yet, God was even more incredible of an artist than these human men! 

Here’s what’s holding you back from having the self-worth you need to move forward. 

Mindset and the Source of Resistance.
Pay attention to the thoughts you have about yourself every day. If there are more negative than positive, that’s where you start. Catch yourself when you’re thinking something negative and reframe it to be true and positive. I’m not saying you have to make things up just to be positive. I’m talking about having the self-awareness to look at all your greatness and celebrate that while simultaneously recognizing what’s holding you back. Is it that you don’t believe you can achieve your goals because no one in your family has successfully ever done what you want to do before? Where does your mind go when people give you a compliment? What’s holding you back from achieving your goals? 

Find your purpose & stick with it.
How often do you absolutely love something but you quit because you don’t think you’re making progress fast enough? 
We live in a world of immediate gratification and avoidance of pain. We have to rewire our thinking to stop believing that if we don’t get that pat on the head right away or we struggle longer than a day, it means that our efforts are trash, we are trash and we need to quit and never attempt it again. No. We need patience, perseverance and maybe to pivot our efforts or get help! If we were given this passion, there’s a reason for it. Lessons will be inevitable. Those lessons usually come with a source of pain.

Stop living for everyone else. 
Raise your hand if you are a people pleaser or a recovering people pleaser. (This is me, raising my hand for the recovering side too!) People with a healthy self-worth of their own will push you up, help you obtain the resources and tools needed to help you be more successful. Those who lack self-worth will tear you down, criticize and control out of fear that you’ll be more successful than they believe they can be. Remember that you will never be criticized by people doing more than you. 

Bottom line here, to have a better self-worth, you have to start with yourself. I’ve preached emotional intelligence until I’m about blue in the face lately but that’s because it’s so needed in this world and this topic falls under the EQ category. To increase your EQ and your self-worth, you have to build resilience, start telling yourself more positive than negative self-affirmations, stop living for everyone else and jump on those opportunities knocking at your door. Set boundaries on your time, money and energy expended. Change what needs to be changed. Get help if needed and above all, celebrate your wins! 

You are needed in this world! The only one able to do what you do, like you do, is you! That’s pretty remarkable! 

Your coach, 

Kameran 

P.S- if this is an area where you have struggled for more than just a short season in your life, consider jumping into my EQ & You program! Chances are, your lack of self-worth is what’s held you back in life for years and we can change that before the end of the year!