people pleaser Archives

You are incredible, strong, intelligent, admired, beautiful and worthy! Yes, YOU!

What was your first thought when you read that? Was it “YEAH! I am! Thanks, Kam!” or was it “Well…I don’t know about that.”

One of the top things that people are struggling with, not just women but men too, is self-worth. We have struggled so much over the past 18 months. We’ve tried to do more, be more, have more, make ends meet, and do it all perfectly that we’ve convinced ourselves that we aren’t worthy of having, doing or being what we were meant for.

Ephesians 2:10 talks about how we are God’s MASTERPIECE! Now, when I think masterpiece, I think Van Gogh, Picasso, Monet. Would you compare yourself to something as exquisite as a piece by one of these incredible artists? And yet, God was even more incredible of an artist than these human men!

Here’s what’s holding you back from having the self-worth you need to move forward.

Mindset and the Source of Resistance.
Pay attention to the thoughts you have about yourself every day. If there are more negative than positive, that’s where you start. Catch yourself when you’re thinking something negative and reframe it to be true and positive. I’m not saying you have to make things up just to be positive. I’m talking about having the self-awareness to look at all your greatness and celebrate that while simultaneously recognizing what’s holding you back. Is it that you don’t believe you can achieve your goals because no one in your family has successfully ever done what you want to do before? Where does your mind go when people give you a compliment? What’s holding you back from achieving your goals?

Find your purpose & stick with it.
How often do you absolutely love something but you quit because you don’t think you’re making progress fast enough?
We live in a world of immediate gratification and avoidance of pain. We have to rewire our thinking to stop believing that if we don’t get that pat on the head right away or we struggle longer than a day, it means that our efforts are trash, we are trash and we need to quit and never attempt it again. No. We need patience, perseverance and maybe to pivot our efforts or get help! If we were given this passion, there’s a reason for it. Lessons will be inevitable. Those lessons usually come with a source of pain.

Stop living for everyone else.
Raise your hand if you are a people pleaser or a recovering people pleaser. (This is me, raising my hand for the recovering side too!) People with a healthy self-worth of their own will push you up, help you obtain the resources and tools needed to help you be more successful. Those who lack self-worth will tear you down, criticize and control out of fear that you’ll be more successful than they believe they can be. Remember that you will never be criticized by people doing more than you.

Bottom line here, to have a better self-worth, you have to start with yourself. I’ve preached emotional intelligence until I’m about blue in the face lately but that’s because it’s so needed in this world and this topic falls under the EQ category. To increase your EQ and your self-worth, you have to build resilience, start telling yourself more positive than negative self-affirmations, stop living for everyone else and jump on those opportunities knocking at your door. Set boundaries on your time, money and energy expended. Change what needs to be changed. Get help if needed and above all, celebrate your wins!

You are needed in this world! The only one able to do what you do, like you do, is you! That’s pretty remarkable!

Your coach,

Kameran

P.S- if this is an area where you have struggled for more than just a short season in your life, consider jumping into my EQ & You program! Chances are, your lack of self-worth is what’s held you back in life for years and we can change that before the end of the year!

I spent most of my life saying yes to everything anyone asked me to do or help with because deep down I feared that I would let them down if I said no. After all, why would they ask if they didn’t really need my help?

About 3 years ago, I started recognizing that people would come to me quite often asking for help and I always said yes, even if I had a magnificent amount of loathing for whatever it was they were asking for. But when I needed help and actually swallowed my pride enough to ask for that help, those same people were rarely there to help me. OUCH!.

That’s when I realized that everyone falls into one of two categories. Those who have no problem saying No and those who struggle with it daily. Guess which category is happier? Hint: it’s not the strugglers.

Well my friend, here are a few reasons why saying no is so dang hard.

You’re a people pleaser.
Plain and simple, you’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s your job to make others happy, to comply, to be the helper, and to always do the right thing. That translates in your head as “I have to say yes because if I say no, people won’t love me as much. They’ll be mad and that doesn’t feel good.” This level of thinking isn’t exactly true. As a recovering people pleaser myself, I can tell you that the need for approval runs a lot deeper than being able to say no. Saying yes all the time is only one symptom of the need for approval. However, it doesn’t feel good when you disappoint others. But I challenge you to think about these questions. First, when you say yes but you really wanted to say no, how do you feel while you’re carrying out the task asked of you? Chances are you feel just as bad because you know you said yes when you didn’t really want to do this thing in the first place. This is a problem because not only are you now giving 50% effort in the task, you’re harboring a lot of irritation, resentment and maybe even anger. How is that helping the person who asked for the help? How is it helping you?

Secondly, when you say yes but really wanted to say no, you’re giving away your power over your time, energy, and priorities. With your actions, you’re telling the other person that they come before yourself. So if you say no, you’re telling that person that “hey! I’m really sorry but I matter. My time matters. My priorities matter.” You’re affirming that whatever you’re saying yes to (more time with family, friends, yourself, your money, your other resources) is more important than what they were asking for. So now ask yourself, if this person is disappointed in you putting yourself and your happiness over them, how good of a friend/loved one are they really? Who does that say more about, you or them?

Next, I say this a lot in my coaching. There is a massive difference between helping and enabling. Helping is doing something for others that they can’t do themselves. Enabling is doing something for others that they can do for themselves, they just choose not to. Those who are enabled once will continue to come back to you knowing you’ll never say no to them and you’ll continue to enable them. They are like a leech. They’ll suck the energy right out of you and never move on until you start putting yourself first! Along with that, how are you helping them live into their fullest potential if you’re constantly enabling them and never setting those much needed boundaries?

You fear the feeling of guilt.

This goes hand in hand with being a people pleaser but it also runs much deeper. Why do you feel guilty? Now ask yourself Why again and a third time. Maybe journal on this. When you hit that 3rd why deep, you’ll uncover a monsterous breakthrough. Feel free to email me when you hit this breakthrough and let me know what you uncovered. I love hearing stories of people leveling up!

Here’s how to calm the guilt though because Lord knows, learning to say no is not an overnight experience. So start by saying something like “That sounds interesting, let me check my calendar” or asking “Can I think about it?” You can even politely say something like “You know, I’m just not sure that I’m the right fit for that job but I sure appreciate you asking/thinking of me!” You don’t have to bluntly say NO, just don’t immediately say yes. Remember, if your heart and soul aren’t in it, you’ll end up giving 50% and find yourself in the toxic realm of resentment and negativity. Which is more beneficial in the long run for both of you? 50% effort or 100% effort? Positivity and joy or anger and resentment?

I saw a shirt about a year ago and while I probably wouldn’t have worn it much, I still love the saying-
If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s gotta be a No.

XOXO,

Kameran

Struggling With Self-Worth?

Is “NO” a struggle for you?

I spent most of my life saying yes to everything anyone asked me to do or help with because deep down I feared that I would let them down if I said no. After all, why would they ask if they didn’t really need my help?