Blog Kameran | Certified Marriage Coach | Podcaster| Helping Couples Heal & Strengthen Their Relationship

Remember when you and your spouse first met? You couldn’t wait to see them again, spend time together, and tell each other every detail of your day! The two of you were thick as thieves.

If friendship is a priority and you have what you’d consider a strong, connected marriage, the way you were then is probably how you still are! If your marriage isn’t so happy and feels more distant and difficult, the friendship you and your partner once had has probably faded or become non-existant.

The great news is that even if that friendship fire has seemingly burned out, the embers of it are still white hot underneath all the ash. Here’s how to stir them up and get that flame a blazin’ again!

1. Connection- Get to know each other again!

One of the reasons that friendship is so important in marriage is that it promotes connection, emotional safety leading to emotional intimacy which then leads to physical intimacy.

If you don’t know your partner for who they are now, you don’t know your partner! I can guarantee they aren’t the same person you married and neither are you! Start asking questions like “how do you like your eggs now?” or “how do you like your coffee/tea?” “What’s one thing you haven’t ever done but always wanted to?”

When we’re in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, so often we can say we like something just because our partner likes it or say something is our favorite because it’s our partner’s favorite. The reality of the situation is we may hate mint chocolate chip ice cream or breakfast tea. So when you’re going through these questions, be open, honest and vulnerable. The more you open up, the more connected you’ll become. If you need help with this, I have a monthly membership that gives you 40 new questions/prompts every month so you never run out of conversation starters!

2. Daily details- talk about all of them!

Ever wonder why one person in a relationship wants all the details and one person hits the high points and moves on? Because the person sharing all the details finds connection in those details. The little intricacies of your story mean the most and make the story-telling an experience for them. Don’t leave them out. They help your partner feel as though they are truly a part of your day.

3. Use all 6 types of Communication!

One way to have that friendship flame quickly extinguish is by only talking about information (1) like “how was your day”, “what’s for dinner” or “what time is that appointment tomorrow”. The second type that will kill the ambiance real quick is only discussing teamwork (2) things like “who’s job is it to take out the trash, switch the laundry, run that errand or pick up Grandma from the airport”.

The conversations that also need to be included each week and in some cases even daily are (3) Conflict resolution, (4) Recognizing, responding to and making your own emotional calls. These calls sound like “hey, what do you think about…” or “look at this!”. It may look like a touch of the hand or arm, reaching to hold hands, a certain look. Couples at dinner can bid for each other’s emotional response over 100 times in that one meal. The happiest marriages answer their partners calls 20 times more than in unhappier marriages. (5) Vulnerable Sharing- this sounds like “I’m feeling…”, “One goal I have is…” or “Our sex life….”. It’s important to listen when your partner is sharing a vulnerable moment with you and validate them when they’re done speaking. Validation does not mean you agree with them. It only means you see their perspective or understand why they feel the way they do. This is not the time for you to interject your own feeling or opinion unless they open it up to become a discussion. (6)Intimate expressions. If you’re not talking about it or during, it’s probably not very good. Communicate what you want, how you want it and how to do it better!

4. Spend Quality Time Together

When you’re married to someone who is gone constantly- (I see you Pilot Wives!) this one has to be massively intentional and most of the time scheduled. Aside from it being many people’s love language, quality time also builds friendship, connection and helps you and your partner engage in shared activities! Did you know that statistically women find connection in conversation while men feel more connected and overall better about the relationship when engaging in a shared activity? Did you also know that this can be watching a movie or show together as long as you’re talking about that show during or after it’s over? My husband and I found all the old Friends episodes on HBO Max and have been laughing, reminiscing and conversating our way through that lately. It’s been super fun! 10/10!

5. Use the Golden Rule

One of the most important parts of building friendship in your marriage is treating them like your friend. So often we replace our friendship with contempt, criticism, blame, guilt, gaslighting and overall rude behavior. We stop being worthy of respect and/or we stop respecting our partner in general. Would you treat your friend that way and expect them to keep being your friend? Probably not. So, expressing yourself in a healthy way, communicating thoroughly and kindly, using healthy conflict resolution and following the previous four steps is key to having a fulfilling, long lasting marriage with your best friend!

If this is a struggle for you and your partner, you want it but you just can’t seem to get on the same page- reach out. I’ve got one spot open for private couples coaching and two spots left for private individual coaching. Reply to this email when you’re ready to put your name on one of those spots!

Your coach,
Kameran

You haven’t showered in 4 days or eaten more than 1 meal in over a week because “there’s no time”. Too many decisions to be made have caused your brain to basically shut down to anything that isn’t dire to the present moment. The struggle to figure out everything and yet want to crawl back into bed and do nothing is a contant battle. Sound familiar?

Three out of my five clients are going through the exact same thing right now. So I thought well, if it’s plaguing them, it might be plaguing you too. So here we go.

There are five things that keep people from accomplishing their goals. The first is that there are no goals set in the first place. If you don’t have specific, measureable, attainable goals written out and put into place, you’re setting yourself up for massive overwhelm and failure.

Start with why. If you haven’t read the book by Simon Sinek that has this exact title, it’s a fabulous read and a great place to start! Why are you waking up in the morning? What are you trying to achieve? Set the goals. Write them down. Break them down into 3 year, 1 year, and 90 days, then even further into what you need to do daily and weekly to make them happen. If you need help with this, email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll do a 1 hour session with you and we’ll have you on your way with a specific action plan that works for you.

The next thing that keeps people from achieving greatness is not that they don’t have time, it’s that they don’t have time management.

When you wake up in the morning, do you know exactly what your day is going to look like? Do you know what time you’ll be eating your meals, showering, going to the gym, connecting with your spouse and intentionally building the life you want? If you questioned any of these or said no, there’s your reason for not having what you want. The hard truth is that you aren’t intentionally making time for it.

See, if you say yes to your job and build that into your day, yes to running your kids to and fro, yes to a grocery pickup, cooking meals and an episode or four of your favorite show but have no idea what connection question you’ll be asking your spouse, what time you’ll be engaging in alone time or what that will look like, you’ve chosen everything you’ve said yes to over your marriage and your goals. Saying yes to something means you’re saying no to or neglecting something else.

So how do you make time for the important things?

Scheduling.
I use this planner (not an ad, just a planner I really really love!). I time block. I also schedule according to my cycle. Ladies, if you are not doing this- let me tell you. GAME. CHANGER. This will straight up dominate your goals.
The fact of the matter is that if you’re not scheduling things- vacations, family outings, your gym time, self-care, etc. it’s not going to happen. Life (or the social media time suck) will ultimately get in the way and it just won’t be a priority.

Limit Your To-Do List.
Realistically, you can’t do it all. The maximum you can do is six big things a day and maybe not even that. If you’re going to bed at night with guilt that you didn’t get it all done, you’re trying to do too much. Who are you doing those things for? Who are you trying to impress? How is this weighing on your mental or emotional health and energy? Some things are going to need to go in the F*** it bucket. When you’re wondering how you do it all, the answer is, you don’t. You go back to your goals. What is most important to do daily or weekly to make your goals become a reality?

Ask for Help.
It may be the hardest thing you have to do but it’s also the most vital. Delegate housework to your kids. Developmentally, they are able to start helping do small tasks by age 2. Ask your partner to help with what you don’t have energy for. If they won’t, have the hard conversation around why and/or get help. It takes the whole family working as a team to keep the ship afloat. Hire a babysitter, housekeeper, or assistant if possible. If not, let a few more things go.

Set Boundaries.
No is a boundary in teh simplest form. If something is too much for you financially, energetically, mentally, physically or emotionally- just say no. This is your permission to stop people pleasing, stop doing the things you think you “should” for the sake of everyone else. When you take care of yourself and set boundaries, you’re respected more and have more energy for who and what matters most. You’ll also be doing things from a place of acceptance versus obligation so your heart will be all in instead of half in and half resentful. You’ll do a better, more complete job and the energy you provide while completing the task will be more positive for everyone, including yourself.

If this is a topic you’re struggling with and you need more help, I have a course that helps with this. It can be done self-study or with 1:1 coaching over 6 weeks. Take that first step of asking for help and email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’m opening my schedule for 5 clients who need this specific help for the next 6 weeks. Let me know if you’d like to be one of those 5.

Until then, happy scheduling! 🙂