Cooler temps, changing leaves and pumpkins are all around! With the seasons changing, this is not only the perfect weather for getting outside, enjoying family and pumpkin spice everything, it’s also the best time to sit down and evaluate some of the habits you’ve picked up in your marriage.
People don’t get divorced and say “I know exactly how we got here!” Usually, it’s more like “I don’t know how we ended up here.” I do. Habits. The small day to day habits that started and snowballed.
Habits like picking up your phone in the evenings instead of intentionally connecting. Putting off adult time or date night because you’re too tired or too busy. Putting the kids and their events above your marriage.
The way to fix or prevent this from happening is simple. With the turn of the seasons, sit down one afternoon or date night and have a conversation. Be open and honest with each other.
1. What is your vision?
Post-pandemic, last quarter of 2021, what is the vision for your life, your family, your career? Think big picture here. What do you need to focus more of to really propel forward? Is it more time as a family? Would cutting some of the extras from your budget to become more financially secure help? How about getting a coach to help your marriage and provide a more stable home life? Do you need a community or a different circle of influence? Would a mindset shift be the ticket?
Hear each other out. If you both have different ideas of what would help, can you combine efforts to do both? As this is a big picture vision, it’s important to think broad here. Don’t try to take on too many smaller tasks. You’ll end up overwhelmed and the small tasks won’t be seen through. Small and simple is best here.
2. Boundaries
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, I’m sure I sound like a broken record with this one. However, a breakdown in a marriage/family happens because of a lack of boundaries. What do you need to say no to? What do you need to set limits on in this season moving forward? When you visualize where you want your marriage and family to go, what isn’t there? Sometimes moving forward means leaving “the old” behind.
3. Roles
As you’re reflecting on the vision and the boundaries, also think about what’s working and what isn’t. What roles do you play each day? What hats do you wear? Are these roles adding to your life or your stress? I often have couples do an exercise called work | rest. Think about all the things you do daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly. Make a list of those according to whether they are work (energy taking) or rest (energy giving) for you. Now compare that list with your spouse. What is on their work list that’s rest for you? Can you take that chore now? What is rest for them that’s work for you? Switch things up as necessary. For example, bedtime routines are work for me but rest for my husband. When possible, that’s a role that he takes on to give me a break. What roles can you add, take away or change to give everyone more energy, stability, and happiness in the home?
I realize this doesn’t sound super sexy but having a conversation around these three topics will certainly lead to more sexy time and give you the energy you’ve been looking for! Running a home and a successful marriage is a lot like running a business. To be successful, hard conversations need to be had, revamping what isn’t working and ramping up what is takes reflection, effort and mindfulness.
As always, if you need help with these topics, I have space available for pop-up sessions and the back to basics program covers a lot of this as well. There are a couple spaces left in that program too! Cheers to your marriage!
Your coach,
Kameran
