This isn’t my typical topic of addressing but it’s been frequently suggested and in a poll I did on my IG stories recently, one that had the most votes. Ask and you shall receive!
What’s the first question you hear when you go to a restaurant?
Can I get you any appetizers with your drinks?
Many times, that’s how we think of foreplay also- as the appetizer to the main course. That may be the exact reason couples are having less and less sex.
Did you know that only about 30% of women orgasm from penetration alone? Did you also know that there are over 8,000 nerve endings in a woman’s clitoris and that it’s a misconception that the clit is only a small bean shape? It’s actually more like a wishbone starting with that bean, branching and wrapping down the sides of the labia.
Fun fact, there’s only 4,000 nerve endings in the head of a penis. So gents, think about how sensitive your head is. With only penetration, you’re basically making your girl eat french fries for dinner and leaving an entire porterhouse on the table. She’s still gonna be a little (or a lot) hungry later!!
Think of foreplay not as an appetizer but more like breakfast.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day just like foreplay is the most important part of the act. It builds the connection that a woman needs, gets both of you in a mood and makes the act itself Oscar worthy.
Here are a few ideas to help you get started.
People like to hear nice things about themselves and a healthy relationship has a 5:1 positive to negative ratio. Start the morning of and send a flirty text to your spouse- “I love the way your butt looks in those jeans.” “Your back is so sexy.” “You smell so good.” Keep it going a few times throughout the day- “Can’t wait for you to get home. I’ve been thinking about you all day.”
You know what they say about assumptions and our partners aren’t mind readers. So, come right out and ask your partner what turns them on. Do they have any fantasies, things they’d like to try, new positions in mind?
3. Make out.
Remember when you were dating and making out was fun? Brush your teeth, swish some mouth wash and make it fun again!
4. Get out of your head.
The laundry can wait and so can the dishes. That TV show isn’t as important as your marriage. Lock the door, the kids will be fine. Focus on your partner, on your connection and on having FUN! (Seeing a theme here?)You need it, deserve it, and will certainly be grateful for it later.
When you’ve been together for a while, your sex life can get a little monotonous. That’s completely normal and common. If you’re in a rut, it might be because you’re doing the things that used to work but are now predictable and over done. Change things up a bit. Use different sensations and temperatures- a feather, a silk tie or scarf as a blindfold, ice cubes, wax, something you haven’t tried before. Try massaging areas you haven’t before. Genitals aren’t the only erotic or sensitive areas. Thighs, chest, breasts, neck, back and wrists can all be erogenous zones. Explore your partner and get to know them again for who they are now and what they like.
6. Get good at talking dirty.
I will pre-empt this one by saying that some people will have an adverse reaction to dirty talk so make sure you communicate beforehand and ask your partner if they like it. If you know they do, tell them what you’re going to do to them and be specific. Use those adjectives!! Ask what they want and show interest when they respond.
7. Use encouragement and visuals.
Nobody wants to be criticized in the middle of getting intimate so if you’re not really fond of something, use encouraging words and suggestions. “Try this…”, “I like it when you…”, “It feels good when…” Show your partner what you like. Move their hands or body to show them what you’d rather have.
8. Kiss. A lot.
Kissing passionately, deeply and frequently serves several purposes! Not only does it give women the most erotic pleasure according to studies, it also gets women back into the game when they’ve lost interest or gotten into their head a little too much! Passionately kissing shows desire for your partner and affirms that you still want them. It provides connection- something many marriages are lacking these days. Note- deeply and passionately is not to be confused with sloppy or choking your partner with your tongue.
9. Strong hands
Massage is an art that, when performed well, can lead to incredible connection and desire! If you’re someone who rubs for a minute and a half and your hands (or your brain) get tired, work on hand strengthening exercises. Watching youtube videos on becoming a better masseuse can also impress your partner, increase the connection and improve the experience!
10. Practice Selflessness
It is the job of both parties to initiate.
If you lose interest in the massage or the act, get your head back in the game! It’s not only about you. When you both take the stance of “how can I give my partner the most pleasure?” the experience is enjoyable for both parties. The second mindset that needs to be mastered is for you gents and it goes like this “I don’t come until she does.” Remember that 30% rule from the beginning and you’ll be golden.
Keep in mind, these tips are meant for marriages that are safe and secure emotionally, physically and sexually. If you are not in that kind of relationship, please seek help. Intimacy is at it’s best when both parties feel safe physically, safe to express themselves, can connect on an emotional level and have mutual trust.
Foreplay is just that- PLAY. It gets you in the mood, lets you open up and enjoy the one you love in a way that you don’t on a typical day. It creates a bond and shows that you still choose your partner today just as you did on the day you got married!
Until next week, love each other well.
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