EQGoalsGrowth MindsetIntimacyMarriageParenting

In 2022, your marriage needs THIS!

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

2021 has come to an end. Some were glad to see it go and others look back with fond memories. For us, it was both. For many reasons, it was hard and seemed a little like another dumpster fire. On the other hand, we saw baby Zayn go from an infant to sitting, crawling, pulling up, saying his first words, walking and dancing! We went on great adventures to Egypt, Sea World, and traveled to see family. It was full of joy and memories!

However, one thing I’m seeing with clients, friends, followers and being a pilot wife, even with my own marriage at times is that the one thing lacking in many marriages is connection. 

Humans start looking for connection as soon as we are born! It starts with feeling that skin to skin contact with our parents straight out of the womb. We feel comfort, love and safety there, physically and emotionally. That drive to find emotional safety with other human beings, that deep need for physical comfort extends throughout our entire lives. The search for emotional safety is part of our survival. This may be a newsflash for you and it may not. Some are aware and others not so much. Some even go so far as to deny this drive even exists because they’ve lost contact with it. Oh but deeply suppressed, it’s still there. 

Emotional safety > emotional connection > emotional intimacy. It’s a chain reaction. When emotional intimacy is lacking in marriage, it creates a deep, black hole of emptiness and/or emotional discomfort. Both of these cause people to behave in ways that hurt themselves and others. Remember how I’m always saying that behavior is communication of an unmet need? Still applies here. The unmet need is emotional connection or emotional intimacy. The behavior is that hurt people hurt people.

So in 2022, I challenge you to develop a deeper emotional intimacy with your partner. How? 

Cultivate a sense of “good enough”. Good enough is not perfect- we and nothing is ever going to be perfect. This sense of good enough understands that no one in your home is ever going to be emotionally available, present and supportive 100% of the time. However, it is also striving for at least 50% of the time. It’s giving your partner and your children a felt experience of being seen, heard, understood, wanted and loved. Especially, when they are feeling emotional distress (anger, anxiety, sadness, fear, loss, disappointment, etc). This means that when your partner or your children are acting out in ways that are less than loveable, you understand that in that moment is when they need love the most! 

It means that instead of saying “you’re ok/fine” or “stop crying” to your kids, you say things like “how can I help you right now?” or “is your body hurt or your feelings?” proceeded with “do you need (provide a solution), a hug, or both?” It’s not getting angry at them because they’re communicating an unmet need and don’t have the emotional regulation or vocabulary to communicate with words in a respectful, calm manner. Many adults don’t even do this so having that expectation for your children is unrealistic.

It means that you develop connection with your spouse by getting to know them again! When Moe and I were dating, we spent HOURS on the phone talking and asking questions. The other day I mentioned not feeling connected and referenced these conversations to which he replied “Yeah but babe, we’re done with that. We did it when we were dating so we don’t have to have those conversations again.” OY VEY!  No, no, no my friend. As a couple, you are constantly having those conversations because you’re constantly evolving. Who you are now is not who you were 5 years ago. Do you know your partner now? Do you know yourself now? Asking open-ended questions, digging deeper into things, promoting that emotional connection builds that emotional intimacy which leads to a MUCH deeper physical intimacy! So if your emotional relationship is lacking, so is your life in the bedroom mostly likely. If your emotional intimacy is strong, safe and deep, so is the sex!  

Emotional support skills are learned skills including emotional validation, reflection, mindfulness, active listening, communication, self-regulation and co-regulation, and the biggest one of all- empathy. 

If you’re interested in deepening this for yourself, check out the courses page for a brand new course option that hasn’t even been advertised to the public yet! 

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR! Build that emotional connection and keep striving to be the best version of yourself in 2022! I have so much hope and excitement for you and all you’re going to accomplish this year! 

Your Coach,

Kameran

EQForgivenessGrowth MindsetIntimacyMarriageTrust

Can You Forgive?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

Have you ever said something to your partner and immediately regretted it just by the look on their face? 

It’s inevitable that you’re going to hurt and be hurt by your partner at some point in your marriage. Intentionally or unintentionally, it’s going to happen. What happens after the hurt is the most important part though. 

We have the tendency to bottle that hurt up, not talk about it, pull away and let the resentment build until one day something minor happens and we blow like Mount Saint Helens.

What if we choose to forgive, instead? 

A common misconception is that forgiveness is a feeling. It’s not. Forgiveness is a choice. When you harbor anger and resentment toward your partner, that’s a choice as well. 

Other misconceptions are that forgiveness means you pretend the hurt doesn’t matter or that you have to forget about it completely. Another is that you deny the hurt and hope it just goes away. Maybe you think your love will just magically resolve the hurt and everything will go back to normal. Sorry, that’s not forgiveness at all. 

Forgiveness is facing the issue in how we were wronged head on and having the hard conversations with our spouse. Those hard conversations are often looked at as a conflict to avoid. Instead, let’s start looking at them for what they could be- incredible connection pieces to help us grow together as a couple. Forgiveness is recognizing and managing our emotions as well as having empathy for the emotions our partner has as well. Above all, forgiveness means choosing to not hold the wrong that was done to us against our partner. 

Forgiveness is a process. 

Depending on the level of hurt, sometimes you have to forgive yourself or your partner for that hurt over and over again. There may be triggers that come up and remind you of the hurt, causing you to feel pain repeatedly. Choosing to repeatedly forgive again and again is the key. How?

1. Talk about the pain. 
When a topic is talked about, it loses the power it has over you. Discuss how you hurt your partner or how they hurt you. When things are left unaddressed, even if they’re small, they lead to a loss of intimacy. Like tiny chips in a concrete wall, eventually the wall will be unstable and broken down if enough is chipped away.

2. Apologize correctly.
First, apologize using your partners apology language. If you aren’t using their apology language, chances are, they don’t feel like your apology was genuine or complete. If you need to know your or your partner’s apology language, take the free quiz here. 

Also know that an apology does not include the word BUT. 

“I’m sorry I lost my temper and said hurtful things to you BUT I wouldn’t have said them if you hadn’t been so rude to me.” This is not an apology. This is blaming your partner. 

“I’m sorry I said those things to you in front of the kids. It was mean and disrespectful and I shouldn’t have treated you that way. It won’t happen again. Will you forgive me?” This is a proper apology. The next step is making sure it doesn’t happen again. 

Apologies without changed behavior are nothing more than manipulations.

3. Forgive.
Forgive even when you don’t feel like it. Forgive out of love and as a stepping stone to connection, healing and unity. 

What will you forgive your partner for today?

Your coach, 

Kameran 

P.S.- November kind of snuck up on me but the annual gratitude and attitude challenge is OPEN! Every year, I email out a different journal prompt every morning the month of November to help you grow as an individual and become the highest version of yourself. They vary in topics and can be used as a journal prompt, conversation connect with your spouse or simply as a reflection piece for the day. If you’d like to participate, subscribe here! We start on Sunday!