communication Archives – Page 6 of 9

I’ll never forget the day I yelled to my then 3 year old son as he jumped off the chair “We do NOT have time for an Emergency Room visit today!” and thought Oh Dear Lord, I’ve become my mother. If you have kids, I’m sure you can relate.

Our experiences as a child shape us and give us our subconscious and conscious beliefs. They also shape our relationships. How we fight, how we think about money, how we parent our own children, even how we respond (or don’t) to our spouses.

It starts with the parenting. There are four main types:
Authoritarian: children are taught to obey without question. Parents often have the “children should be seen, not heard” mindset. When it comes to rules, it’s very much the “my way is the highway” or “I am the parent and I said so.” kind of thinking. It sounds like “quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Kids are taught to comply out of fear for the punishment, not out of true respect.
This has high accountability but low acceptance.

Permissive Parenting: children are left to do as they please for the most part. Rules, boundaries and consequences are not enforced very often. The thought patterns here are “kids will be kids”. It sounds like “sure, do whatever you want.”
This has high acceptance and low accountability.

Uninvolved or Neglectful Parenting: children are left to fend for themselves, aren’t asked about their day, and rarely have their needs met. Parenting of this sort may be intentional or unintentional- having a mental illness or lack of education of a child’s development and abilities. It has no sound because parents aren’t there or don’t care enough to ask/respond.
This has low acceptance and low accountability.

Authoritative Parenting: children are taught rules, responsibilities and respect while their emotional needs are met. Rules are explained as to why things are the way they are and emotions are not only identified but also validated. It sounds like “If you hit me with the toy again, we will put the toy away until tomorrow.” When they do it again, they lose the toy as a privilege. “I understand you are angry but that hurts me and it’s not ok to hurt people. You may choose another toy if you can be safe with it.” After the child has calmed down, the behavior is addressed and a healthier way of dealing with their anger is discussed. The reaction is respectful and age appropriate. It helps kids learn natural consequences- a skill that will be vital to the rest of their life. It’s not a punishment based on the parent’s anger. At the same time, emotions are being identified, validated and the kids are being taught how to work through them.
This has high acceptance and high accountability.

Most of us, including myself, were brought up with authoritarian parenting styles. Our parents were brought up with that style and there’s a good chance that unless you researched this before you had kids, you’re bringing your kids up the same way. No judgment!

The only issue with that is that it doesn’t address emotions and most of our lives are run off of emotional signals. Many of the decisions we make are based on emotions felt. How we react to our partner, our children, our boss- all based on emotions. If we don’t learn to regulate those when we are kids and we’re only taught to comply because an authoritarian said so, we become adults who still can’t process and regulate emotions.

Thus, we get into a relationship and we lose our temper, walk away while our partner is still speaking, stop listening and start getting defensive at the first sign of criticism or complaint, we “love” our spouse but only when things are good. We have no self-awareness meaning we don’t know what we’re feeling or why we’re reacting the way we are. We have no spousal awareness- what they’re feeling despite ALL the cues being there or how to react to them. We get angry at our kids for having a meltdown because their communication of an unmet need isn’t ok with us…because of how it looks to other people around us. Read that again.

We can’t teach our children to regulate their emotions because we can’t regulate ours.

All behavior, even in adults, is simply communication of a met or unmet need.

The good news: this is a skill that can be learned no matter what age or stage you’re in! You can learn to face adversity, have perseverance, have empathy, self-regulate, improve relationships and have more success in business just by improving your emotional intelligence! It definitely takes effort and consistent work to rewire your brain like that but it’s worth it! As someone who has worked for over 3 years on this skill, I can tell you it’s absolutely possible and the results are much more calm, satisfying and productive!

I created a course that does just that because as a former teacher, I saw a need. As a relationship coach and parent, I see an even bigger need. If this email resonated with you and you thought even for a second “I think she’s talking to me.” Get in here! It’s going to be a game changer! Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach,

Kameran

You know in a traditional wedding ceremony where the officiant repeats the bible verse Mark 10:9 “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”.

I have always loved that part, thinking that it was a way to keep people from coming between the bride and the groom.

What if that verse isn’t just meant to keep other people out of our marriage though? What if we are the ones separating our own union?

For example, do you ever feel like your spouse spends more time on their phone than they do in conversation or connection with you? When you wake up in the morning, do you scroll social media before you even say good morning to your love?

I recently heard Kevin Hart say that his world was rocked and he had to reprioritize his life when he was told that he was “married to his job and dating his family”. Is work coming between you and your spouse?

Growing up, I had a friend that lived across the street and her mom and dad always put each other before the kids. Even at 7 and 8 years old, I noticed and admired that. The concept of putting your spouse’s needs before the kids is commendable and rare. Of course, there are exceptions like if you have an infant that needs fed or whatnot. For the most part though, do the kids come first or second on your priority list?

One of the reasons I divorced my first husband was that he could never set the boundary with his mother when she called and asked for money or didn’t respect the boundary I had set. Are in-laws intruding in your marriage?

Here are some other possible “intruders”:

outside hobbies and interests (hunting season anyone?)
TV
Friends
Addictions
Affairs
Church functions

What you invest the majority of your time in directly correlates to what you value most. If you put more time into your phone than you do connection with your spouse, your value is not on your marriage but on the highlight reel of other’s lives.

Reflecting on those values and the time put into your marriage, if you find yourself saying “Well, life just happened”, chances are that the bond you have with your spouse is fragile.

So how do you get out of the habit of valuing the wrong things?

Understand that your marriage is only as strong as the value you put on it. If you want a Target brand marriage, make a couple tweaks but mostly keep doing what you’re doing. If you want a Louis Vuitton marriage, you’re going to have to pay a higher price.

Meaning, you’re going to have to lay out a plan. That might mean no phones in the bedroom, no screens after 9 PM, setting boundaries with family, friends, work, etc. Getting help with addictions and affairs or your marriage as a whole. Cutting out what is lower on your list of values and starting new habits that give meaning and priority to what’s most important to you and your goals.

Take another part of the marriage ceremony, the “forsaking all others” into consideration. Forsake what is coming between the connection you and your spouse have.

As always, if you need help with this or feel that you and your spouse aren’t aligning on what you value, email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com and let’s do a pop-up session together to help you get on the same page!

Cheers to your marriage!

Your coach,

Kameran

P.S.- have you signed up for the Good to Great! The 31 day marriage challenge yet? It isn’t your typical “send a cute text” challenge. This is a deep dive into continuous issues, healing and building of a union. Every day you’ll get a short audio lesson, a devotional and some connection challenges do complete emailed directly to you at 5 AM. You’ll spend every day in October in the word, creating a better you and a better marriage. $31 for 31 days!