expectations Archives

It’s been a hot minute since I got one of these out to you. To be honest, with moving and the world’s events, I needed a mental break from trying to help everyone else and I needed to help myself. If that’s you too, here’s your permission to take a much needed break to take care of you! It was tremendously helpful!

During that time, I noticed a lot of patterns within couples I’m coaching, couples that are friends or acquaintences and even with my husband and I. It seems like everyone is at odds with their spouses these days. Interestingly enough, as a professional in this industry, when I look at a relationship quarreling, I see two people playing the blame game while looking in a mirror.

One person, let’s say the wife, needs connection, touch and for her husband to show affection, desire, and interest in her. So she asks for it in a subtle way. That call for connection is missed by her husband so she feels rejected and protests, picking a fight, criticizing, getting angry and throwing a tantrum. Now in most cases, this happens after many attempts of connection but for time’s sake, roll with me here.

Now, he withdraws or mirrors back the behavior she exhibits out of defensiveness or a need to keep the peace. All the while, inside, he needs connection, affection, to be wanted and needed as well.

Men don’t typically ask for their needs to be met because men are taught that if they show need or feelings, they’re weak. Women typically protest by literally fighting for the relationship. See how both behaviors are less than desirable but showing the same need?

So what’s the answer to keep this from happening?

What I realized when my husband and I were going through this a few weeks ago is that as the woman, I’m more in tune with our connection. I see it going off the rails much more quickly than my husband does. Additionally, I can’t control him or his actions/reactions. I can only control me. So I had to get extremely deep in my reflection of my own behavior. It’s human nature to think we’re doing better than we really are. So when I started looking at myself in the mirror and asking the question “Would you want to be married to you?” The answer wasn’t a resounding yes. In fact, there were many instances where I had been more critical than praising, wasn’t as appreciative as I could’ve been, and wasn’t always assertive in conversations. I had to own my own faults and responsibilities. After all, it does take two people to make the relationship work. I couldn’t blame him for everything and I had to ask to be loved in a more loving way.

Secondly, I had to connect with my husband on a level that made him feel safe emotionally. That’s our job as spouses, to create a safe space for our partner to be who they are authentically, to be able to talk to us, open up and be vulnerable, without judgement or ridicule. I wasn’t doing a great job of that and neither was he, we were both to blame and that’s why the relationship was becoming disconnected.

I literally had to be the change I wanted to see in our relationship. I controlled what I could control and continue to do so. I got real with who I want to be as my best self and started living into that. My clients started doing the same as well.

The result? My husband started noticing the effort I was putting in, how I was changing and started changing his own behavior, becoming a better husband and being more appreciative of me. Both of us became the change we wanted to see. Our marriage, and each of us as individuals are better for it. Our boys are seeing how to come out of hardship in relationships as well. My clients started seeing the same results I was.

It’s important to note, this is a great jumping off point but becoming your best version isn’t a quick fix. This is a long term investment in yourself. It may take months but the quicker you start, the quicker you’ll start seeing some results in your marriage. You also have to do it for yourself, it can’t be change for your spouse or you’ll only build resentment later.

If you’re going through the storm now, drop the scorecard, stop playing the blame game and start looking inward. As always, reach out if you need help.

Your Coach,

Kameran

Monthly Workshop- June 19 @ 7 PM CST

Do you feel like you and your partner go around and around in the same cycles of conflict? Want to know how to approach conflict as a team? Want to end the cycle? This workshop is your answer!

This workshop can be done as a couple or as an individual and is completely anonymous with the ability to chat directly with me during the workshop.
Can’t make it that night? Sign up anyway and shoot me an email at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll send you a replay link on June 20!
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP!

Last week, Mohammed and I were meeting with our coach. No, nothing is “wrong” with our marriage. We believe in having a coach to help us be the best we can possibly be to each other, for our boys, and to keep strengthening our marriage. I mean, what kind of coach would I be to preach to you to hire me but I’m not willing to invest in my own coach?! Seems a little backwards to me.

Anyway, we were discussing expectations, and she asked if we’d ever written our expectations down for our spouse?

I had written down what I expected in a husband before I ever knew Moe existed on this planet and certainly compared him to that list once we met but I’m not sure after we started dating that I ever looked at that list again. He hadn’t ever written his down either.

For the most part, we were both already living into what the other’s expectations for a husband/wife were. However, there were a few key expectations that came up that neither of us had never even heard of but that have caused friction in our marriage in the past. Both of us expected each other to “just know” that’s what we wanted and had maybe verbalized it in frustration from time to time but never actually said “this is what I need/expect”.

We assumed the other would “just do it”. Neither of us are mind readers so how exactly was that going to work? It wasn’t. Hence, the friction, irritation, shame, blame, guilt, anger…etc, etc.

That’s how expectations work. Like a ladder, the behavior of your spouse can only climb as far as your communication allows. Our communication was limited so naturally the behavior of the other was as well. The gap that was left? Shame, blame, guilt, resentment, all the negativity.

Oddly enough, I’m seeing the same predicament in a lot of facebook posts, instagram DMs that are sent to me, and clients I’ve met with in the last week. Maybe you’re experiencing some irritation, resentment and/or anger too.

Here’s how you can help your marriage right now.

1. Write down your expectations.
What do you expect your spouse’s role to be? What does that look like? How do you expect them to act, treat you, treat themselves? How much money do you expect them to make a year? What character traits do you expect them to have and how do they show that out loud?

2. Narrow it down.
Can you take all these expectations and narrow it down to 3-4 buckets? For example, “I expect my spouse to provide and protect, prioritize me and our marriage, and strive for the best version of themselves”.

3. Share
One of the 6 types of conversations couples must have is vulnerable sharing. Your expectations definitely fall under that category.

Find a time where you and your spouse are in a good headspace and share your expectations of each other. Listen actively. Ask open ended questions to clarify. Make sure you have the mindset that you’re having this conversation to be better as a team. Ask the question “How can I live more fully into your expectations?” This also builds emotional connection when done in an assertive, safe space with a low and slow tone.

Compromise if necessary and don’t be afraid to say “I feel like that expectation is too high for me to live into” if necessary.

4. Challenge
Challenge yourself to live into the expectations that are set.

5. Check in Weekly
“How am I doing in meeting your expectations?” or “What’s it like to be with me right now?” These check ins allow for any concerns to be voiced so they don’t fester over time. They also allow for any praise to be given and confidence to be boosted where it might otherwise go unspoken.

Check out this month’s workshop below and I’ll chat with you next week!

Your Coach,

Kameran

May Workshop- May 10th @ 7 PM CST

Are you constantly frustrated, resentful, angry or irritated with the people you love?
Do you frequently say YES when you’d rather say NO?
Do you feel like your needs consistently go unmet while everyone else in your house thrives and lives their best life?
Do you often feel taken advantage of and/or unappreciated?

If you answered YES to any of these questions- you might need help with boundaries. This month’s workshop is going to teach you all about boundaries in marriage! How to set them, what to say, how to recognize when a boundary isn’t in place but needs to be, how to get your spouse (and other’s) to respect your boundaries even when they don’t agree. This workshop can be done as a couple or as an individual and is completely anonymous with the ability to chat directly with me during the workshop.
Can’t make it that night? Sign up anyway and shoot me an email at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll send you a replay link on May 11!
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP!

Be the Change

What Do You Expect?