Communication Archives – Page 5 of 9

There’s a reason people who have 10,000+ followers are called “influencers”. They’re literally influencing those who follow them. I don’t feel that a person should have 10k or more followers to be called an influencer though. We are influenced by anyone we are allowing to show up on our feed. The content they produce influences our decisions, our thought processes and our lives. If it didn’t, positively or negatively, we wouldn’t consume their content anymore. We’d simply unfollow.

I don’t take for granted that the combined 2,000 followers I have throughout the different platforms I produce content for, including you, are influenced by that content every single day. In fact, I value it. I have a responsibility to make sure that I’m using these platforms for good, creating helpful content and being responsible for the marriages and families that I’m influencing. I’m also highly aware that not everyone has the same heart I do or takes responsibility for their platforms in the way I do. I’m also hightly aware that because my 12 year old doesn’t have the brain synapses that I do and won’t until his brain stops growing at the age of 25! He doesn’t understand the influence these YouTubers have on him. I won’t let him have social media or his own phone yet for this very reason.

Most of what we learn about relationships can be traced back to our parents, grandparents, or older generations. We watched, we caught more than we were taught about what marriage and relationships should look like. Except when it comes to social media.

We are the first generation to have social media and we are enthralled, obsessed, and addicted. We take our phones to the bathroom with us for crying out loud! How do we model a healthy relationship for future generations? You know, the upcoming generations that live in our houses and are watching us like we watched previous generations. How do we preach to them to limit screen time when we don’t limit it ourselves?

Recently, Mohammed and I started to ask ourselves the same question as we watched Encanto, Moana and Frozen on a loop for the 8,000th time and again when we were preaching to our tweenager that he needed to get off YouTube! Oof. The hard truth slapping us in the face is that they’re simply following our lead and the only way to make it stop is to set some boundaries.

Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve seen so many posts in different groups I’m in on facebook talk about affairs, marriage problems and disconnection. Did you know that 85% of affairs start out as emotional affairs? A harmless text that eventually crosses a boundary, a social media post that leads to a direct message that leads to more than just “small talk”. A few years ago, I remember a comment a friend of mine made over couples who share social media accounts and how stupid it was. I wasn’t so sure then but now, I’m definitely sure that it’s not stupid at all. It’s a boundary.

Boundaries aren’t just around who we follow and whether we have our own social media accounts or combined to avoid temptation. They’re setting time limits, removing notifications so we aren’t controlled by a ding, vibration or number in the upper right hand corner of an app. They’re deleting social off your phone, keeping your phone out of the bedroom or turning it on do not disturb mode after a certain time to promote more connection between you and your partner. Boundaries are set to control our own behavior and promote what’s important to us. When we don’t have boundaries, we don’t have control on our time and energy. So we spend that time and energy getting sucked into things that may not be as important as our spouse and kids but we invest our most precious resources in what’s important. So by investing our time and energy into our phone, the message we’re sending to those we love is that social media is our priority. Technology gets our attention and our family gets what’s left over.

That realization was enough for us to say enough is enough. Here are the boundaries we’ve set. Feel free to take what you need and leave the rest.

Sleep mode at 9 pm to avoid blue light before bed
No technology at the dinner table or in bed
Removed notifications
Time limits on certain apps and for the kids
Parental monitoring of sites

That’s what we’ve come up with so far. We also started taking a class called Screen Sanity- teaching your kids how to be responsible around technology. If you’d be interested in taking this class, let me know. I am considering getting certified as a faciliator. If you have boundaries around technology that you’ve set, I’d love to hear them as well! Feel free to respond to this email or post them in my Facebook coaching group!

Social media and technology aren’t all bad. Groups, influencers and content can help you grow, can educate and promote positivity. It can be used for good. The idea, like anything else, is to monitor, reflect and inventory it every now and then. Is it a problem? Is the content you’re consuming growing you or making you feel like garbage? Is it helping or hurting your marriage and your family connections? Do you need new or different boundaries?

I look forward to hearing about your boundaries and connecting with you on this topic.

Have a great week!

Your coach,

Kameran

It’s been a hot minute since I got one of these out to you. To be honest, with moving and the world’s events, I needed a mental break from trying to help everyone else and I needed to help myself. If that’s you too, here’s your permission to take a much needed break to take care of you! It was tremendously helpful!

During that time, I noticed a lot of patterns within couples I’m coaching, couples that are friends or acquaintences and even with my husband and I. It seems like everyone is at odds with their spouses these days. Interestingly enough, as a professional in this industry, when I look at a relationship quarreling, I see two people playing the blame game while looking in a mirror.

One person, let’s say the wife, needs connection, touch and for her husband to show affection, desire, and interest in her. So she asks for it in a subtle way. That call for connection is missed by her husband so she feels rejected and protests, picking a fight, criticizing, getting angry and throwing a tantrum. Now in most cases, this happens after many attempts of connection but for time’s sake, roll with me here.

Now, he withdraws or mirrors back the behavior she exhibits out of defensiveness or a need to keep the peace. All the while, inside, he needs connection, affection, to be wanted and needed as well.

Men don’t typically ask for their needs to be met because men are taught that if they show need or feelings, they’re weak. Women typically protest by literally fighting for the relationship. See how both behaviors are less than desirable but showing the same need?

So what’s the answer to keep this from happening?

What I realized when my husband and I were going through this a few weeks ago is that as the woman, I’m more in tune with our connection. I see it going off the rails much more quickly than my husband does. Additionally, I can’t control him or his actions/reactions. I can only control me. So I had to get extremely deep in my reflection of my own behavior. It’s human nature to think we’re doing better than we really are. So when I started looking at myself in the mirror and asking the question “Would you want to be married to you?” The answer wasn’t a resounding yes. In fact, there were many instances where I had been more critical than praising, wasn’t as appreciative as I could’ve been, and wasn’t always assertive in conversations. I had to own my own faults and responsibilities. After all, it does take two people to make the relationship work. I couldn’t blame him for everything and I had to ask to be loved in a more loving way.

Secondly, I had to connect with my husband on a level that made him feel safe emotionally. That’s our job as spouses, to create a safe space for our partner to be who they are authentically, to be able to talk to us, open up and be vulnerable, without judgement or ridicule. I wasn’t doing a great job of that and neither was he, we were both to blame and that’s why the relationship was becoming disconnected.

I literally had to be the change I wanted to see in our relationship. I controlled what I could control and continue to do so. I got real with who I want to be as my best self and started living into that. My clients started doing the same as well.

The result? My husband started noticing the effort I was putting in, how I was changing and started changing his own behavior, becoming a better husband and being more appreciative of me. Both of us became the change we wanted to see. Our marriage, and each of us as individuals are better for it. Our boys are seeing how to come out of hardship in relationships as well. My clients started seeing the same results I was.

It’s important to note, this is a great jumping off point but becoming your best version isn’t a quick fix. This is a long term investment in yourself. It may take months but the quicker you start, the quicker you’ll start seeing some results in your marriage. You also have to do it for yourself, it can’t be change for your spouse or you’ll only build resentment later.

If you’re going through the storm now, drop the scorecard, stop playing the blame game and start looking inward. As always, reach out if you need help.

Your Coach,

Kameran

Monthly Workshop- June 19 @ 7 PM CST

Do you feel like you and your partner go around and around in the same cycles of conflict? Want to know how to approach conflict as a team? Want to end the cycle? This workshop is your answer!

This workshop can be done as a couple or as an individual and is completely anonymous with the ability to chat directly with me during the workshop.
Can’t make it that night? Sign up anyway and shoot me an email at coaching@recognizingpotential.com. I’ll send you a replay link on June 20!
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP!

Communication

Social Media: Friend or Foe?

Be the Change