One to two times a year my husband goes to training as a pilot. He goes for his annual training to keep him current so he can be on top of his game when he’s flying 75 passengers to and from making memories. This year he started the year at training to upgrade to captain. He’s gone for about a month both times and let’s face it, if anything at all is going to happen, it will be during those times. It’s pilot wife law. Well long story short, during this trip alone- my son has been pulled from middle school after a ridiculous amount of issues and we’ve started homeschooling-a situation in an of itself that took about 8 years off my life from stress. My dad had his second heart attack in 5 years. I have a full coaching roster, working from home, have a teething toddler and my love languages (quality time and physical touch) have obviously not been met. Resentful? A little.
I met with my coach because yes, coaches need coaches so we can make sure we are applying everything we preach. After hearing all of this, she asked me “how are you living into the best version of you?” Umm… I’m trying not to drown? Doesn’t sound very “best version” and thriving.
Buuuuuut….She was right. *sigh* Funny how that happens and it was just the kick in the pants I needed.
I can’t control the fact that my husband is living his dreams and doing what he believes is his best by providing for his family. I can’t control that his idea of what a man needs to do and what I need as a woman and a wife are fundamentally different. I can control whether or not I’m a jerk to him and whether I support him in doing so. I can control how I communicate these needs and we work through them while he’s there and has a break and after he gets home.
I’ve controlled all I can with the school, communicated the best I can. I can’t control the fact that it hasn’t helped. However, I have a teaching degree so I can control my son’s learning and the outcomes of what he gets at home.
I can’t control the outcome of my Dad’s health and when he’s called home. Scary as it is, this one’s all on God.
I can’t control my feelings of inadequacy, overwhelm, loneliness, resentment, or love languages not being met. I can control how much time I spend working on my mindset, going to the gym so I feel better about myself, what I eat, how I spend my time and how I react to these feelings. I can control how I communicate my needs and initiate virtual date nights.
I can control how I show up for my husband, even if he isn’t able to show up for me in the ways I’d like him to right now. I can control my integrity, my empathy and my own effort because if the situations were reversed, this is how I’d want him to treat me. That dadgum golden rule sure does slap you in the face all the way through your life.
Throughout this whole week, I had to get real with myself and sometimes that means answering the hard questions like Who is the best version of myself? What does she look like? How does she show up to life, to all the roles she plays and for herself?
It takes two whole people to create a whole union. If I’m relying on my husband to be his best before I am my best, that’s codependent and not healthy or whole. It’s also counter-blaming your partner and showing defensiveness, one of the top four causes of divorce.
Bottom line, the best version of your marriage starts as the best version of you. Start there and control what you can control. It’s the only thing that will keep your sanity in check in a world of chaos.
If you have absolutely no idea what the best version of you looks like, get into the Back to Basics program! A short 6 week course that teaches you to recognize the best version of you, create goals you’ll actually keep, create habits to fulfill those goals and live into the best version of you, set boundaries to preserve your energy, and create a life you are madly in love with! (If you need a payment plan, please email me at coaching@recognizingpotential.com)
Sunday night I was talking with my husband who’s been away at training for the last few weeks to become a Captain and he was telling me they had a full day of scenario training. The trainer gives scenario after scenario and the pilots have to go through what they would do to not crash the plane. A full day of this. The conversation got me thinking.
Marriage is no different. Scenario after scenario- some you see coming, some you don’t. Is this why 50% of first time marriages and 64% of second time marriages crash and burn? I think yes!
Are you prepared for what you don’t see coming?
How will you handle job loss? Infertility? A surprise baby? A child getting hurt or having an allergic reaction when your spouse is away on business? Plans not working out the way you’d dreamed up? Unmet expectations? Career changes? A parent getting sick or dying? God forbid, your spouse or child dying?
Of course you don’t want to think about any of this. It’s definitely not fun but if you aren’t prepared, the anxiety, stress and overwhelm will eat you for lunch.
Alan Lakein said “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” In this instance, he’s absolutely right.
What if you didn’t get premarital coaching? Are you doomed? Absolutely not.
Start preparing now, where you are.
Have the hard conversations. “Hey, do we have a will? Life insurance? We should probably get that.” Then, and this is the most important step- make the appointment to do so!
What do the words success, cheating, being a good wife/husband/mom/dad, exceptional marriage, marriage in general, parental support, emotional support, and effort mean to you? Assuming you have the same definition of important words leads to disappointment, hurt, resentment and anger when it feels like your partner betrayed you but they feel like they did nothing wrong.
How do you feel loved, supported, admired, respected, wanted? Again, assuming you both feel the same way leads to nothing but negativity.
What will we do in the case of…?
Exceptional marriages are not found or by luck. They are built with intention, maturity, compromise and communication.
Stress is caused by lack of preparation. This applies to all stress in life, not just in your marriage.
Prepare for the disasters so that if and when they happen, they seem like small bumps in the road instead of a catastrophe.
As always, if you need help with this, check out the courses page on this website! I’ve got some great options and even a couple new ones! 😉
