| Tired as a mother. To all the mother’s out there, I see you. I feel you. I am you. As Mother’s Day rolls around, I’m so grateful to be a mother. So grateful to have Zayn as the addition that I never thought I’d have. SO grateful that Mason is the big brother he is and an enormous help to me and Moe. Grateful for a husband who cooks, cleans and takes care of our boys well and doesn’t call it babysitting. I am also equally exhausted and empathetic to all of the other mothers in the world. I shared a post in my facebook group a few days ago talking about how we as women cook, clean, do laundry, make sure everyone else is ok, cater to all. But who caters to her? Who does her laundry? Who makes her meals? It blew up with women commenting on how they felt that post deep in their soul. I think my mom said it best when she said that we are natural born caregivers but when someone in turn tries to care for us, we feel weird and uncomfortable. Why? Why is letting someone do something for you (for a change) uncomfortable? Expectations. Our grandmothers cared for everyone. Our grandmothers made it look so easy. In addition, the men in our lives took that expectation that ladies “should” be the ones to care for everyone with them because that’s what they learned from our dads…the ones who had the mother doing it all. That subconscious belief and expectation was then passed from generation to generation and it became an unspoken norm that stuck. There’s a big factor missing in that expectation and the societal norm. Our grandmothers didn’t work a 40+ hour work week on top of caring for everyone. Our grandmothers weren’t trying to juggle online schooling, a pandemic and unrealistic expectations from our employers and they weren’t trying to navigate a culture obsessed with urgency (more on that next week). My sister in law still lives in Cairo, Egypt. She’s about 5 months pregnant and the first girl in the family to have a baby. The women family members in the Arab culture come from other countries, other cities, miles and miles around when a woman has a baby just to take care of the new mother and baby. They all stay in the home for about a month after the baby is born. The new mom doesn’t have to do anything. No cooking, cleaning, nothing. Resting and caring for her baby. That’s her only job during this time. She’s cared for. Postpartum depression is a lot less, as are a lot of other complications that come with healing after baby. She doesn’t feel uncomfortable or weird or like she has to be working to entertain others or make a good impression. So why not our culture? What would happen if we accepted help and caring from others with open arms and hearts? What if we started looking at the ability to care for others as a privilege and an honor knowing that eventually we will be the ones needing help and it will come back around? What if we took care of each other like my in laws and their culture? What if we adjust the expectations to teach our sons and daughters that the societal expectation from 40 years ago no longer applies and is no longer what’s best for our families? What if we taught them the importance of mental health and reducing stress over being all the things to all the people, saying yes when you want to say no, and stretching yourself too thin? What if we modeled that instead of only preaching it? Let’s start adjusting. Let’s start learning to communicate what we need when we need it instead of sweeping it under the rug. Let’s start praising and appreciating the men in our lives when they step up and take things off of our plates. That’s a societal norm we can push! Teaching our sons that they are fully capable of doing the exact same things women do and of caring for others in the exact same manner. Let’s start normalizing rest and breaks and for the love of God, normalize saying NO. Let’s start changing the narrative so that we aren’t burnt out, exhausted, and merely surviving but instead we are energized, and stepping into our individual purposes. We can be engaged with our children instead of escaping the stress of the day when they’re asking for our attention. Let’s start getting uncomfortable in letting others care for us so that after a while, the uncomfortable becomes comfortable. Let’s make it a goal that by next year on Mother’s Day, we are thriving and grateful every day for the life we live. A life that we don’t need time alone or an uninterrupted nap as the best gift in the world for Mother’s Day. XOXO, Kameran |
The #1 Complaint of Women
I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT IT!
Last night we went to the grocery store. I’d already spent the last two hours planning meals for the week, making the grocery list and praying that the grocery stores had stocked what I needed for this week. That winter storm straight up took Houston OUT! Remember the toilet paper shortage in 2020? Yeah, that’s coffee creamer right now. You cannot find good coffee creamer An-y-where! #FirstWorldProblems
Before leaving, I’d grabbed a bottle, made sure the diaper bag was stocked, grabbed a Yeti of Hot water to heat the bottle and could’ve bet my life on the fact that I grabbed the diaper bag too. Two hours later when I needed said bottle, I had the hot water and a fussy baby but….no diaper bag or bottle. I was so irritated that I couldn’t find it! After going all the way back home, my husband found it on the chair, right where I’d left it. How could I have forgotten the most important item for my baby? HELLO!
After a short shame spiral, I remembered a post I’d read on Facebook earlier in the week asking what the number one complaint of all women was in their marriages. Mental overload.
I realized that it’s not only women who are married and not only pertaining to married life. It’s mental overload in general. More people than ever are coming to me for coaching. Lost, lonely, questioning their career choice, their abilities as a parent, their abilities as a spouse, and completely bogged down with decision overload.
Where do we go for Spring Break that won’t break the bank? Where do we go that’s actually open because of Covid? Do I want to quit my job? Do I want a different career path? Do I start a business? Do I want a nap or to clean the house? Is my headache because of dehydration or something else? What do we make for dinner? When was the last time my kid had a well check? What’s due for my job? How many times have I run this load through the washer? Is this chicken in the fridge from three days ago or three weeks ago? My kid has what form due for middle school class selection? That expiration date is 2021, that’s a ways a way. Oh wait, we’re in 2021. What the….?
Mental Overload. It’s a very real thing and I’m just going to say, if you’re not experiencing it, you are either a unicorn or a liar.
I’m not sure there is one right answer to overcoming the mental overload but what I can say is that GRACE is the most important help right now. Grace for yourself and grace for others. Communication is second. Send the friendly reminders for dates and commitments others are involved in. Set alarms for yourself. Write the lists. If someone forgets something, understand that it’s probably not intentional. It’s probably because they’re just as mentally overloaded as you are. If you receive a friendly reminder and didn’t need it, that’s fine. Accept it with grace and thank them for sending it anyway. There may come a time when you do need it. Third, ask not how you can help. I’m finding that people’s response of “oh, nothing. It’s ok” or “I’ve got it” is just as canned as “I’m fine” when you ask how they’re doing. Ask your spouse if you can meal plan this week or what chore is at the top of their list. Ask what decisions need to be made that are weighing them down and how you can be a part of that process. Ask what meal your friend who just had surgery would like. Ask specifics. Can you take your niece and nephew for the day to help your sister in law out? Can you come sit with your new mom friend and do her dishes or fold her laundry or can you drop a coffee at her doorstep because she’s not in the mood for company but really just needs a pick me up?
When someone says they forgot something or they sound like they’re really down on themselves, simply offer grace. A sincere “it’s really ok. Don’t worry about it.”
When that someone is you, look in the mirror and say that same response out loud.
XOXO,
Kameran
P.S.- Today is my 37th birthday! If you are questioning your purpose, wanting a different career or wanting to dig deep into who you are and who you were made to be, I am running a flash sale until this Friday on the YOUNIQUE course! 37% off! It’s normally $1,794 but this week only it’s $1,133 paid in full! Payment plans are available!! This is THE course that pulled me out of my depression 3 years ago, gave me the neon flashing sign from God that put me into coaching and gave me the ability to wake up every day knowing without a shadow of a doubt that this is what I was made for! I leave every coaching call with more energy than when I got on the call. This is the ONLY program I have that is not relationship based and I will always keep it because it’s helped so many and I believe so strongly in what it does for every single person who takes it! If this sounds like what you need, get in NOW! I only open it up twice a year and it will NEVER be priced this low again! Click here to sign up!