DivorceExpectationsGrowth MindsetMindsetSelf-worth

Do you have the life you want?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 2

You say between 150-300 words a minute to yourself. How often do you stop to analyze that self-talk? Is it mostly positive or negative? Self-talk is personal and specific. 

We don’t get what we want in life. We get what we expect, unless what we want and what we expect are the same thing. Think about the people who always seem to have things going right for them. Have you ever had a conversation with those people? Most likely, their way of talking is more positive and a “life works for me” kind of attitude. Those who seem to have a black cloud hanging over their head? Well, their conversations probably exhibit that black cloud as well. 

Our thoughts become our words which become our actions which then become who we are. 

I’ll give you a personal example. When I was in high school and college, I had extremely low self-esteem. I didn’t believe I was beautiful, successful, driven, smart or anything positive. When I looked in the mirror, I saw (and told myself) I was fat, ugly, dumb and frumpy. I compared myself to my friends a lot. When I started dating a boy and stayed with him all through college. I knew he wasn’t the right guy and even had a few other offers but because of my self-talk, I didn’t believe they were actually serious offers. I didn’t believe I could get anyone better or have a better life than the path that I was on. So I married that guy and for 12 years, I was miserable. I continued to tell myself negative things about myself, my life, and my circumstances. Then, in 2012, the worst (and in some cases the best) year of my life- I started changing the script in my head. I deserved better. I could do better for myself and my child. I was a good mom. I was good wife material. I started reading self-development books and listening to different music. Little by little, I started changing myself into a more positive, more capable, better version of myself. 

I got divorced, got a better job, moved to a different state where I knew only one other person, made friends- GOOD FRIENDS, and started expecting happiness and prosperity. Can you guess what happened? That’s exactly what I got. 

I created a better life for myself! I met my dream guy, got married again, quit the job I knew I wasn’t right for anymore and started doing what I LOVE. I am still a good mom to now two kids instead of only one. I have the life I was always jealous of others having, because I created it. I expected it and I told myself I was worthy of having it! 

My marriage now is so much better than my first and even better than this marriage was at the beginning! My self-talk still wasn’t fantastic when Moe and I got married. Better, but not great. I realized that to have a better marriage, I had to have a better me. 

That starts with the thoughts that I tell myself each day. I don’t say things like “I’m a hot mess. I’m dumb, fat, etc.” anymore. I say things like “I did a really good job on that post. I tried my best and my best is good enough. I didn’t get everything I wanted to get done today but what I did was what I was supposed to do. The energy I had today was the energy I was supposed to have.” I don’t shame myself for setting off the smoke detectors making dinner because I was trying to overly-multi-task. I say things like “eh. It happens. I’ll do better next time.” 

If your self-talk is dragging you down and creating a cesspool of negativity in your marriage, I would encourage you to check out my program that I open once a quarter- Better Me, Better Us. This program is for people who are ready to better themselves in order to better their marriage. It’s for people who want a better relationship but their partner isn’t on board with therapy, coaching or self-development. If you’re ready, there’s a lot you can do on your own. Doors are officially open exclusively for people reading this right now with an early bird pricing until November 20th as an “I’m grateful for you” token of appreciation! 

Cheers to a better, happier YOU!

Kameran

EQGrowth MindsetMarriageMindsetSelf-worthTrust

Is Your Filter Working?

Last updated on: Published by: Recognizing Potential Coaching 0

The transition from me being a life coach to a purpose coach to a relationship coach was weird to a lot of people. To me, I saw a bigger need and an even bigger impact I could make with my past experience of divorce, remarriage, blending a family, immigration, cultural differences and an interracial marriage. 

See, when relationships aren’t stable at home, every other part of people’s lives are in disarray. Children can’t focus in school and do significantly worse in retaining information. We aren’t as productive at our jobs. Even our social lives are in an upheaval. To me, by helping people with their marriages, I’m also helping people to sort their whole lives out, smooth things over, become more successful and more productive. Who wouldn’t want that? 

What makes some marriages successful while others end in divorce? 

In short, how well your filter works. That’s right, your filter. 

Successful marriages have a filter over their mouths, their eyes and their hearts. 

Filter your mouth.
Our tongue has the power to build others up or tear them down. How are you using yours? If you have a strong filter on your mouth, you’re more likely to speak to your spouse in a way that builds them up, creates a strong friendship and treats them with respect and love. We will speak words of wisdom and gentle truth. 

This means that when your wife comes in and says “does this dress make me look fat” and you know she’s gained a little weight, instead of saying “Yeah, it looks terrible. Your butt looks like a buick”, you will instead say something like “you’re beautiful no matter what! But, it’s not as flattering on you as this other option.” The second statement just hits a little differently than the first.

Instead of telling your husband he’s being a complete jackwagon, try saying something like “hey, your energy is a little off today and I feel like you are stressed. How can I help?”. 

There’s a scene in an episode of Yellowstone (premiere is on Sunday y’all!) where Kayce tells Monica that he thinks he’s a bad man and he says “I don’t tell you things I do because I don’t want you to think I’m a bad man. Cause I think I’m a bad man but if you think it, then it’s true.” We know we are old, fatter than we used to be, have more wrinkles, etc. But if our spouse points it out, it makes it true and we feel less. Less beautiful, intelligent, worthy. Don’t put your spouse in that position. 

Build them up. Be gentle with your words. Don’t do damage that might take years to repair. Remember that words have the power of life and death. 

Next week, in an effort to keep these less in length than the previous novels I’ve written, I’ll talk about the other two filters. 

For now, try a little growth work at home. Reflect on the words you’re saying to your spouse. What kind of words are you using? What do those words generate in their hearts? How can you soften your approach to have a bigger impact? 

Your coach, 

Kameran